America's Got Talent, Mel B, Howie Mandel, Howard Stern, Nick Cannon, Heidi Klum

Paul Drinkwater/NBC

The big scary X's are back, along with TV's most random reality competition.

You want singing? Karate? Acrobatics? A panel of judges scared out of their minds by a hostile mime? America's Got Talent had it all and more on tonight's season premiere!

Judges Howie Mandel, Howard Stern, Heidi Klum, and Mel B did plenty of arguing, a fair amount of agreeing, and seemed legitimately terrified when a disgruntled mime rushed the panel – before taking off his wig to reveal that it was, in fact, host Nick Cannon. His "Larry the Mime" act totally wins our coveted award for Scariest Performance of the Night, along with the award for Cruelest Practical Joke, and also Least Necessary Clown-Related Performance. Seriously, when are clowns ever a good thing?

And now, for the rest of the awards which we definitely didn't completely make up as we went along:

Best Overall Performance: The Blue Journey dance team and their projection-filled dance routine, partly because we love it when the editing makes contestants look like idiots and then surprises us with absolutely incredible performances. And also, they were amazing. 

Best Musical Performance: Piano prodigy Adrian Romoff, because who doesn't love a 9 year-old 8th grader who's about to go to college and make us all feel bad about ourselves?  

Best/Worst "Is it comedy or not?" Performance: Dustin and Terry's "karate," which caused a tie amongst the judges (the men loved it, the women hated it), causing Howard Stern to bring out the golden buzzer and save the strange, half-masked duo.

VIDEO: You haven't lived until you've seen Stern and Mandel dance together!

Best Sob Story: The very last kid, Jaycob Curlee, who sang John Mayer and played the guitar, and his years in the foster system before being adopted by his very emotional mother.

Most Impressive Performance by an Elderly Person: Heck, who are we kidding? It would have been impressive at any age! Ninety-Three year-old Mike Greenstein used his teeth to pull a vehicle carrying three people! Our teeth hurt just thinking about it.

Worst Secondhand Embarrassment: Donnie Valentine, who incorrectly believes he can sing, because there's always at least one of those.

So there you have it! America's Got Talent is off to an interesting start, and we're maybe probably on board.

(E! and NBC are both part of the NBCUniversal family.)

What did you think of the premiere? Were you legitimately terrified by Nick's joke? Will Larry the Mime haunt your dreams tonight? Do you find the sob stories unnecessary? Let us know in the comments!

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