Ashton Kutcher, Charlie Sheen

Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images; Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images

Conspiracy Corner, Comic Con 2009 Brick

A Two and a Half Men star is rumored to have been a bad boy and his network has some 'splainin' to do.

Wait, is Charlie Sheen back?


Or is he…?

Reports Wednesday that Ashton Kutcher's marriage to Demi Moore was on the rocks, followed by CBS' damage-control efforts on behalf of Kutcher's Two and a Half Men laptop-turned-billboard led Conspiracy Corner to ask an obvious question: 

Has Kutcher been possessed by Sheen, a high priest of the Vatican Assassin Warlock Division?

Conspiracy Corner first looked to Twitter for answers, but Kutcher hasn't tweeted anything of note in days—and, as marriage observers point out, he didn't tweet about his sixth-wedding anniversary on Sept. 24 at all. Sheen's Twitter account, likewise, features no bombshells, clues or I-possessed-Kutcher confessions.

Conspiracy Corner next looked to a higher power: eHow, which has a handy-dandy guide on demonic possession, which, in turn, led us to California's Diocese of San Jose, which has a real-live FAQ on the subject.

Per a publication of the church, one of whose pastors was said to be loosely associated with the Anthony Hopkins movie, The Rite, a person may be possessed if he or she has itchy skin, isn't very hungry and doesn't sleep.

At this point, Conspiracy Corner was convinced Conspiracy Corner was onto something. After all, didn't Kutcher just spend his anniversary weekend with the boys in Vegas, a town known for night-owl hours, drinks and suspicious rashes? And, seriously, wasn't Sheen Sheen?

It was all coming together.

And then it wasn't.

Upon further review, Kutcher and Moore were rumored to be on the rocks long before Kutcher stepped into Sheen's universe, and onto the Two and a Half Men set. Also, even as Kutcher and Moore were rumored to be on the rocks this time, the couple was photographed together as recently as a week ago. 

As for Sheen, a Vatican assassin warlock is, by definition, a mortal, and not an otherworldly spirit capable of possession.

So, basically whatever's up with Kutcher, Moore and/or Two and a Half Men has nothing to do with Sheen.

Besides, these days, the reformed winner's too busy tweeting about "awesome" AARP conventions to cause trouble.


UPDATE: The not-possessed Kutcher has tweeted something of note! A link to Public Enemy's "Don't Believe the Hype." Let the parsing begin continue.

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