Dear Ted:
Why do you get aggravated when asked questions about Judas Jack-Off but you don't mind answering the same question everyday about Robsten? So tell me this, Did Judas or Dashed Dingle-Dream ever have relationships (or hookups) with other guys besides each other? Or is it just the chemistry between the two was too hot to resist? I'm guessing Judas and Dashed have been with more woman than men.
—Angie
Dear Never-Ending Vice:
Did you eat too much stuffing over the weekend? Of course Judas and Dash have hooked up with other guys. You don't suddenly turn gay outta nowhere.
Dear Ted:
Just want to say before I make a B.V. guess that I live for your articles, and good on you for kicking the cigs! You're stronger than I am! My kitty that I rescued on Christmas day five years ago would like to know: Is Prince Horebart Hairplug Nicolas Cage? Hairplugs, check. Much younger spouse and been together for a while, check. Seasoned actor, check Please tell me and my darling if we're warm or completely cold.
—Allison and Tiger-Lilly
Dear You've Been Conned:
Cold...very cold, babe. Prince is slightly older.
Dear Ted:
I think Téa Leoni is Maribeth Bush. Seems like she can be just as whiney. Am I right?
—Just trying
Dear Too Confident:
Nope, Maribeth is relevant right now. Hence, why she's able to play the diva card.
Dear Ted:
Is Peter Metered around the same age as Moisty Mohr? And do you think Butter Pussy might come out of the closet when her career inevitably slows down? Or do you think it would have to come to a crashing halt for her to get the guts?
—Hannah
Dear Oldie but Goodies:
Yes, Moisty and Peter are around the same age. I think Butter Pussy could come out, easily, but it wouldn't be for a while. By her choice. She's utterly terrified.
Dear Ted:
Tell me you haven't noticed Purcell Poke-Me's comeback. Does a girl stand a chance, or is he strictly about the men?
—?
Dear Uh, Think Again:
Purcell's career is hardly hot. You must be confused, babe. Though he sure is still super gorgeous!
Dear Ted:
My question involves the dapper Pete Priss-Ass. Has he ever attended the same "exclusive" parties as Crescent Kumquat, Jackie Bouffant and Parrish Maguire? Also, would you please dish on how many degrees of separation Mr. Priss-Ass might have with any of the above gents?
—Statcat
Dear Gay Club:
Pete runs in a very different crowd than Crescent and those snitty closet cases. But as with anyone in Hollywood, the degree of separation is about one.
Dear Ted:
You stated that Priscilla Desert has dated more gays than most gay guys have. Does she know she's bearding, or does think she's in a real deal relationship?
—e5
Dear Naïve or Genius:
Usually I would say of course she knows what she's doing, but I'm not entirely sold. See, she's smart enough to know what high-profile relationships do for one's career, but I also think she's young enough to think that she could "change" some of these guys for lack of a better word. Not Parish, though. That guy is as gay as they come.
Dear Ted:
You need to clarify your info on Chester Shorts-Off. First, you tell us he and Secretia swing and that he loves getting it on with guys—you were unequivocal about that and mentioned nothing about him cheating with other women. Then, in the second B.V. you don't mention his sexual preference at all. Now, in the third B.V. you make it sound like he's been swinging with women this whole time! Which is it, or is he bisexual and you just didn't realize it at first? I think it's quite clear who this couple is, but your changing info and the stories being reported in the news aren't adding up. Were you wrong, or are they just spinning it a certain way to protect Chester's real secret? It's OK to admit you're wrong sometimes.
—C'
Dear Fiesty:
Both Chester and Secretia like same-sex nooky; he just happens to prefer it more than she does. They're both sluts, why all the fuss about specifics, babe?
Dear Ted:
I actually feel really sad for Cass Stimulatia. Several of my friends are having trouble getting pregnant and it's heartbreaking. I would feel a lot better for Cass if I knew she had step or adopted kids to take her mind off the pregnancy woes.
—Lisa
Dear Fertility Flop:
It is very sad, indeed. Cass doesn't have any little ones to vouch for right now. We hope she adopts soon, though, since it doesn't look like it's happening naturally.
Dear Ted:
Lorin Sniffle Puss has to be Dianna Agron right?
—anonymous
Dear Snice Try:
What makes you all think Lorin is from Glee? Is it something I tweeted? But no, Dianna is not the nose-candy culprit.
Dear Ted:
Just wondering about Maribeth Bush. Did she just have a movie come out in the last couple of days? Is the TV network still trying to get rid of her?
—S
Dear Hungry For More:
Who said it was a TV network?
Dear Ted:
Update on much loved Mimi Dallas needed. Is she with the same guy, or has she found another to play with?
—Lauren
Dear Likes ‘Em Young:
Lotsa different guys, honey, lots. There really hasn't been anybody to snow Hollywood this well since...Toothy Tile!
Dear Ted:
Are Chester and Secretia Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher?
—X
Dear So Close:
Most fabulous guess, darling, but they're not this B.V. couple. Think less...earnest.
Dear Ted:
Is Nelly Fang bi or just in the closet?
—V
Dear Random:
Nelly's so damn horny for anyone he's more bi. He still hooks up with girls...but guys, of course, too. How sinfully luxurious!