Brooklyn Decker, Andy Roddick

Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images for IMG

Dear Ted:
We have all heard the secret double lives of various athletes over the years—from football to soccer to basketball. What I'm wondering is why the heck don't we ever hear about those goody-two-shoes tennis players? I know they must have some skeletons in their closets waiting to come out. That dude Andy Roddick seems way too damn perfect, and we never hear anything from him at all. You would make me so happy if you gave me an early Thanksgiving gift dishing dirt on these spotless tennis stars.

Dear Advantage You:
Clearly you've never heard of former hairpiece-wearer and ex-crystal meth user Andre Agassi or you wouldn't be asking if those tennis folks are as squeaky clean as they seem. Of course they're not! And while Andy isn't linked up with the always adorable (and oh-so-innocent) Mandy Moore anymore, he and wifey Brooklyn Decker are pretty happy, skeletons and all.

Dear Ted:
Robert Pattinson
looks just fine in those waterfall shots! And yeah I'm lovin' the butt crack! We have to remember, Edward was "changed" in 1918. Guys didn't walk around looking like Kellan Lutz (I guess maybe so if they were lumberjacks) very often. I still love you.

Dear Crack Isn't Whack:
So you're saying Hollywood has never taken creative liberties with history? I'm not saying Rob has to look like he was pumping iron with The Situation at the turn of the century, but a taught tummy is timeless.

Dear Ted:
I met Joe Jonas the other day, and he was a sweetheart. I don't understand why the media is so hard on him. It also made me wonder if he has ever been a Blind Vice. I do know his country star ex-GF is one, but was he one too?

Dear Joe's Hoe:
Those brothers could quite possibly be the dirtiest Disney minions I've ever heard of. I'm so sure Joe's a doll in real life. But what's under that cute facade is bound to be something Vice-worthy (actually, I know it is), especially since he's hooked on that sexy piece of Ashley!

Dear Ted:
I've been thinking about some of the Blind Vices and I have a few ideas. I know that you can't tell me if I am right or wrong, but maybe you could tell me if I am hot or cold? Before you answer, I live on five acres of land and have adopted four cats, two beagles, a hound dog and a chow. Alter Ego Salami is Russell Brand, Strawberry Snort 'Em is Rihanna, Lorin Sniffle Puss is Dianna Agron and Oded Good-Head is Eminem. What can you tell me?

Dear Farmville:
You're extra-guilting me today with all those pooches and pussy cats, Karen, so I'll tell you this: You're warm on one guess but way cold on the rest. I'll leave it up to you to figure out what's what.

Dear Ted:
I am still waiting for you to address the gay slurs that Sarah Palin's offspring used to harass a fellow student. I honestly still do not understand how you can attack someone by calling them gay. Gay is like a gender, a hair color, an eye color or a nationality. It is what you are born. I don't see the insult in calling you a man, and would not feel insulted with you calling me a woman. It is not an insult when you are stating a right of birth. But then again, it is understandable when your birthright is stupidity.

Dear The Palin Poop:
A member of the Palin clan saying something offensive and stupid isn't exactly comment-worthy, these days. Or we'd be commenting every day. It chills me to the bone to think that this could be our first family, ya know, if everything goes horribly, horribly wrong.

Dear Ted:
I used to be a hater, but since I started watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians, I've gotten hooked on the show. My fave is Khloé. She's so sassy and hot (total girl crush). Is her relationship with Lamar Odom for real? Please say it is. They're so cute.

Dear Reformed Hater:
Glad you've seen the light, C. And so it makes me très thrilled to tell you that Lamar and Khloé are legit. They're not perfect, obviously, but they're way more normal than most sports stars and their wives.

Dear Ted:
I feel sorry for Nikki Reed. Yes, she's young, beautiful and talented, and yes, she fell for her costar and couldn't stop gushing about him. However, said costar then dumped her for one of her friends, and to top it all off, this all played out in public. Now she is painted as a she-devil incarnate for crushing on said costar when we all know given half a chance, we would snog him ourselves in the blink of an eye. Just my thoughts.
—A Sympathetic Observer

Dear Nikkotine Patch:
Totally agree, babe. Nikki is way snoggable herself, and her talent only makes her more appealing, which is why she's an easy target for haters. Same goes for Ashley Greene (minus a bit of the talent).

Dear Ted:
I don't think you are alone in having a "bad feeling" about the royal couple. I have a theory, though! We are probably relating the royals to America's royal family—the Kennedys. JFK Jr. and Prince William both lost a parent young, had to grow up in the spotlight, and were highly sought after bachelors. Let's just hope that William's story has a happy ending! Also, if we get rid of the drama surrounding the history of the engagement ring, it's just a guy giving a girl his deceased mom's ring. Kind of sweet.

Dear Royal Pain:
I hope you're right, M. And while it may seem sweet, couldn't he have given her one of his mom's other pieces of jewelry. You know, without all the baggage connected to it? I'm sure Di had some to-die-for bling.

Dear Ted:
Recently you called Terry Tush-Trade "tragic." But in the last Vice you wrote you said T3 was happily bisexual and not giving an ef what anyone else thinks. So, what exactly is tragic? Is Summit still putting pressure on T concerning various substances? Or is the tragedy simply the fact that fame is causing a semi-closeted life?

Dear Trade Off:
Sure Terr's confident enough to get it on with whoever piques his/her sex drive, whether boy or girl. But that doesn't always make for a happy life—not when T3 has über-fame to worry about, too.

Dear Ted:
My angry cat really wants to know: Do Michael Emerson or Carrie Preston have Blind Vices? They seem too good and must have some skeletons in their closet...How about the other Losties?
—Tina the Canadian

Dear TVice Twosome:
Hopefully your cat will be a bit happier when it hears that Ben and Arlene...uh, I mean Michael and Carrie aren't a Vice couple. In fact, they're a couple of sweethearts when they hit the town together. That said, that Island had a handful of Vicers. Any guesses who?

Dear Ted:
Why on earth hasn't Leonardo DiCaprio been dubbed sexiest man alive? He has an impressive résumé and looks to boot. Is there something we don't know? Any grudges People might have against him? Also how fab would it be if cutie Neil Patrick Harris was made Sexiest Man Alive for the 2011 issue?
—Sugar Monkey

Dear Man About Town:
Leo definitely had a, five years ago.

Dear Ted:
You mentioned in a recent Bitch-Back that Emma Watson and Dan Radcliffe dated. Was it PG-13 or more of an NC-17 scenario? Please dish the dirty deets!
—Wizard Luvin'

Dear Wandering Wand:
PG-13. Who do you think you're talking about, the Twilight kids?

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