Eva Longria, Tony Parker

Courtesy of Denise Truscello/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
What's your take on the Eva Longoria and Tony Parker situation? Seems like the supposed divorce came out of left field. Or not? My rescue kitty Douglas and rescue puppy Sadie are dying to know the dirty deets!

Dear No Longer in Park:
While we'll admit we weren't convinced from the get-go that these two would crash and burn, we did sorta see it coming. My take is he got bored and she got comfortable, and she still wasn't desperate enough to stick around when she heard all those nasty rumors. Then again, that's just me. Who knows who was doing whom or what! At least, we all know she won't have to pretend to be interested in basketball any longer!

Dear Ted:
You're so gross and pretty embarrassing, too. You pine for Ryan Gosling like a you're a little schoolgirl (wait, aren't you 70 or something?), and yet the rest of the world knows Ryan Reynolds is so much hotter—just like People said. I mean if Ryan Gosling was so hot why isn't Rachel McAdams still with him?
College Girl Who Knows Better

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Dear Delusional:
Rachel McSmadams! Those of us with good taste know, Gosling's the hottest hipster on the scene right now, so quit harassing me! There are a handful of other guys, besides Ry Gos, that we would have liked to see in People's Sexiest Man Alive piece including all these sexy beasts! Clearly, we don't share the same taste in delish men.

Dear Ted:
Do they sell Rogaine in England and/or is the Royal family strapped for cash? I must say that I've always thought Prince William was very cute (looks like his mommy), but the boy could use some help in the follicle department. Is he just too cool to care or completely oblivious to the "hairy" situation?

Dear Wrong Harry:
Who cares? He's the Prince of friggin' England, hair or no hair, and now he's officially off the market. Oh well, at least Harry hasn't picked his princess yet. That said, here's to hoping he won't have a not-so-hairy situation like his big bro!

Dear Ted:
After your surprise Blind Vice article about Priscilla Desert being a virgin, I was wondering why do you think that she is still a virgin?

Dear Celibacy Cutie:
It's all business, not enough pleasure with Ms. Desert. Time for a storm down there, if you ask me!

Dear Ted:
My question is regarding those two very, very famous supernatural movies: Harry Potter and Twilight. I know Twilight is supposed to be a more Victorian/innocent love story, but that said, Harry Potter is a children's book and the movies are way better. Why is this so?
No Name

Dear Potterhead:
There's no denying the Harry Potter movies are more creative on the cinematic side, but Twilight has a love story that will...uh, live on eternally (cheesy, I know but work with me). The spells, potions and such are über-cool and make the movies way easier to capitalize on, duh! But the Twilight movies are doing their best—and selling, might I add—considering what those directors are working with.

Dear Ted:
With those original super-quick publicist denials about Tony Parker and Eva Longoria divorcing, does that mean he is Pepper Harthmann? It seems like anytime a publicist denies something before morning, it turns out true and there was cheating. And if he's not our Vicer, any more clues on Pepper to share?

Dear Stick to the Meds:
Not sure what Blind Vice you're reading, but Tony is def not Pepper, I'll give you that much! Think more...manly.

Dear Ted:
Penn Badgley was spotted at Blake Lively's apartment again last night. This is not the first time after their split that I've seen him here. Do you know what's going on? I also have a photo of him at the apartment dressed up (dinner date). Why are they sneaking around? Are they back together?

Dear Didn't Break a Leg:
Penn's probably just wiping Blake's tears after she got ousted from the upcoming Great Gatsby flick! Some backbone that dude's got. His G.G. cast mate dumps him and he takes her crawling back (that is, if he really did). He should take some breakup advice from Carey Mulligan! That'll show Blake whose boss, not to mention be über-gossy!

Dear Ted:
I read somewhere today that David Arquette has been taking shots at Jennifer Aniston and blaming her for the demise of his marriage. He also called her an "omen" in regard to his new movie. I hope I'm wrong after all that they've been through as friends! Why is it that there are so many people who want to hate on her? What is it that she did? I can't remember her ever being a part of a scandal in terms of drugs, sex, cheating, lying or any of it. She's got a rock-hard body that guys half her age are willing to do shots off of. Is it all just jealousy or did I miss something?

Dear Omen Nomen:
Doubt David is really dissin' Aniston, hon! (Certainly not in public.) I mean, Court and her ex are handling this breakup in the classiest of ways, which means Jen's got nothing to do with it. As to why everyone bashes on the babe, it's really simply; Because she has fabulous hair, a ridiculously enormous bank account and she got to munch on that sweaty nude-sunbathing Brad Pitt whenever she felt like it, for years. Jealousy!

Dear Ted:
I'm so bummed right now. Lately, you've really been up Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's respective arses, and I just don't know why. They seem as phony as they come. And I used to love how you were pretty much the only Hollywood blogger out there to call them out on their constant PR crap. What the hell is going on? Did they threaten you or something? I don't understand how two people (who are looking quite haggard) can have such power with such little substance. They aren't the best actors, and they certainly aren't good people, crocodile-tear-photo-ops be damned. Oh, Ted. Come back to the light.

Dear The Dark Side:
Even though Ang's bitch face does scare me a tad, those two don't threaten me at all. The thing is they have been doing their best to hide out in Budapest, which doesn't interest me. But what does get my gossy juices pumpin' is how some sources are telling us Jolie may be getting into tiffs with Bosnians? We'll keep you posted on that one, believe you me!

Dear Ted:
Who in their right mind would believe that Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift are the real deal and not publicized? Apple picking? Ice cream dates? Strolling through the woods? No real relationship will ever have these kinds of repeated magical dates. Maybe it's just me, but I really think that's the case. Please tell me you agree.

Dear Fairy Tale Fluff:
We definitely chuckled to ourselves a little bit when we heard about some of these escapades, but who's to say these two aren't into that dreamy crap? Granted, Jakey doesn't strike me as the apple-picking type, but maybe he's just doing whatever it takes before Taylor takes her sing-song broken heart elsewhere.

Dear Ted:
Ricky Martin
said he came out publicly because of his kids, which I think is a great reason. And if you've seen him on any of the talk shows he's been on, it's obvious women don't care he's gay, 'cause he's a sweetheart-and hot! Don't you think Toothy Tile should follow in his footsteps? He probably won't, but seriously, Baby Tile isn't gonna be little forever.

Dear Too Late:
ago, I said Toothy—and the rest of those closeted actors out there—should take note from Ricky! I can almost guarantee Toothy won't be stepping out any time soon, and it has nothing to do with Baby T.

Dear Ted:
What is happening with Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts Off?

Dear They're Back:
You must be psychic or something. Check out today's Vice, doll.

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