Christina Hendricks, Jon Hamm, Elisabeth Moss

Jeff Vespa/Wireimage

Dear Ted:
Did you watch the season premiere of Mad Men? I think Jon Hamm is the best television actor out there, bar none. Any chance he's steaming it up with some of the lady castmembers, off-camera? God, I wish!

Dear Hamm It Up:
Are you talking about grade-A hotties Christina Hendricks, Elisabeth Moss and January Jones? Only in your dreams, doll. All three babes are in committed relationships, and hell, Jon's been with his ladylove, Jennifer Westfeldt, since '97. Sad to say, the set of Mad Men is one of the more debauchery-free sets out there! Absolute crime, to be sure.

Dear Ted:
It is evident that Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner have become close friends. What is Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner's relationship like? It appears to be professional and friendly enough, but I wonder if, like Bella, Kristen is the glue that holds these two together. If Kristen would be working, would we see Rob and Taylor promoting and doing interviews together like we saw Kristen and Taylor do overseas for Eclipse?

Dear Real-Life Bella:
There's an ounce of truth to that, but it's not like we've got a real-life Twilight situation going on here, sweets. There are lots of reasons for their lack of appearances together. And besides, it's not like Summit is trying to break up the two studs for a reason or anything.

Dear Ted:
Has anyone guessed Hugh Hefner for Moisty Mohr? Could he be the one?

Dear Playbohr:
Plenty, J.B. (is that you, my dear John Boone?). But nope, it's not the Hef. You're pretty warm, though.

Dear Ted:
As I see Lindsay Lohan slipping farther into the abyss, I can't help but think of Gia Carangi. A talented, young woman who found herself in the same sad situations as L.L.. Too many enablers and not enough love.

Dear Cautionary Tale:
Good eye...both talented women, both plagued by similar problems. It all comes down to drug addiction in a heady, unhealthy lifestyle. Let's pray Lindsay fares better.

Dear Ted:
I was in the "Lady Gaga needs to eat some burgers" camp until I saw her last night in Dallas. She's put on a few pounds since she filmed the Telephone video, and right now she looks sexy, curvy and healthy. I suspect that a few months ago, she was burning thousands of calories per week performing and probably not eating enough. It looks like she's found a nice balance now. Agree?

Dear Gag on Gaga:
I still think she's a little underweight, but if you say so, sugarpuss, I'll believe you. As long as she's in Dallas—all that BBQ should do a body well.

Dear Ted:
If you were to reveal every B.V., which one would have people most surprised? Which one would be the most devastating for their career? And which one would have people shrugging their shoulders in indifference?

Dear Grand Viceroy:
Way to put me on the spot there, champ. Your first two questions garner one answer: the closets! Whether it's Crescent Kumquat, Jackie Bouffant, Nevis Divine or even age-old Toothy Tile, it's always the closet cases that shock. But gosh, I wish they would realize their careers wouldn't be devastated, only different—and maybe for the better. It's a new age. Fake à la Ferocity would, without a doubt, suffer the most career damage if her personal activities were known, and if Morgan Mayhem‘s identity were revealed, I think people might actually yawn.

Dear Ted:
I think I love Teddy O' Bong. Sounds like his biggest crime was hogging the karaoke machine, which would have been fun to watch. Was Teddy, by any chance, in a big movie franchise?

Dear Teddy Eclipse of the Heart:
Sure, you could say that.

Dear Ted:
I'm with you on Team Aniston, but do either of the camps, meaning Jen or Brangelina, actually care about each other?

Dear Team Spirit:
At this point, nope. Years ago, absolutely, but not in the recent days. Both have long since moved on.

Dear Ted:
Hate to say it, but I feel like you've been skirting around Robsten questions lately. All of your answers have been very vague, as if you don't really know what's going on with them (i.e. breakup rumors). Are you giving us formless answers because there may actually be trouble in paradise, are waiting to confirm it before you let us know or is it because they are fine but there's not much to report?
—Conspiracy Theory

Dear Conspirator:
The answer is No. 3, and I'll bet my hat that you'll ask the same question again. Am I right?

Dear Ted:
Is Cruella St. Shackles Sarah Palin? If so, not sure why you'd have to disguise her identity, as it's pretty clear for most people with a few working brain cells to realize that she redefines the word ignorant.

Dear Cruella de Palin:
Surprisingly, no! Crucru isn't from Alaska, though her iciness would certainly suggest otherwise.

Dear Ted:
If an email is sent to you and you don't respond to it within about a week, does this mean you will never answer the question or is there a chance you may post a response at a later time? Here's hoping...

Dear Late in the Game:
Doll, if you've got a question that's burning on your mind, resend it! That inbox is a nasty little bitch. Don't be surprised if things get buried!

Dear Ted:
Are Kaley Cuoco and Johnny Galecki from The Big Bang Theory dating in real life?

Dear Big Banger:
The last I heard, yes, but then again, I also heard months ago. Let me reenlist the sources and get back to you, Meggie. But let me ask: Do you want them to be together or not?

Dear Ted:
I love all the Entourage goss! Have any of the boys been Blind Vices? Also, still so sad that Jerry Ferrara and Jamie-Lynn Sigler broke up! They were my favorite Hollywood couple.

Dear Gossip Hunter:
At least two of the guys have been—and plenty more B.V.s have been on the show, love! In fact, might as well make a list of the Blinds who have appeared on HBO in any capacity while we're at it. I do hope Sigler fine's truer love, adore her.

Dear Ted:
I'm getting annoyed with all of these celebrities who walk around with attitude dripping out of their pores, especially musicians. People like Kanye West and MIA infuriate me because they think they're so high and mighty and elitist, when really, they have little to be elitist about. Have you ever interviewed people like this and if so, any horror stories?

Dear Annoyed:
We met M.I.A. at a party a few weeks ago, and, while not exactly bitchy, her attitude wasn't exactly great, either. She was being honored with the cover of Nylon magazine, and the lady told us probably three times that she wasn't planning on doing interviews...while we were interviewing her. A little standoffish. But hey, you expected that, didn't ya?

Dear Ted:
You always talk about WeHo, which I have learned means West Hollywood. And I've seen mentions of NoHo on occasion. Does no celebrity go to East Hollywood? I didn't realize there were four quarters of celebrity life.

Dear Ho Ho Hollywood:
Not that they would ever want you to know.

Dear Ted:
My boyfriend seems to think that talking about celebrities is not worth the time. I, on the other hand, disagree, and think that they're fun to live vicariously through and to gossip about. We've been together for five years, and celebrity watching is a big part of my life. You think this will ever hurt our relationship in a big way?

Dear Missguided:
As Beyoncé says, if you like it then you shoulda put a long, emotionally invested conversation on it.

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