Robert Pattinson, Natalie Portman

John Shearer/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
What would you think about Natalie Portman playing Tanya in the upcoming Twilight movies! She is one of the female vamps from the Denali clan who wanted Edward for herself and doesn't get what all the fuss is over Bella. I know it's a long shot, but I think throwing Nat into the mix would be so good! Nothing can come between Robsten in my mind, but it sure would be fun to watch.
—Casting Temptess

Dear Portman Picking:
We'd say Nat was too high profile for this sort of gig, but the Twi flicks are the new Harry Potter franchise for A-listers to sink their teeth into. Get her agent on the phone! Unless of course Kristen Stewart's worried that Rob Pattinson's eyes might wander back to Ms. Oscar nominee?

Dear Ted:
I just saw the video of Channing Tatum stripping before he became famous. So what is the other gossip on Mr. G.I. Joe studmuffin? Blind Vice material?
—Muscle lover

Dear Tatum Teaser:
Well, Chan's got a thang for costars, he's A-OK with fairies and he and Scarlett Johansson have oodles in common. Like Scar, Chan hasn't been inducted into our Blind Vice club yet—but just you wait!

Dear Ted:
Why would you say Rob doesn't have manners based off of a couple of videos last week of Rob and Kristen trying to make a quick getaway? I am sure that wasn't a priority in those moments. And from what I have heard, Rob is a very nice guy and does have manners and treats people very well, including Kristen. And why would we want him to be like Taylor Lautner? Taylor is a typical Hollywood boy. Rob isn't, which is part of his appeal. I don't want Rob to take lessons from Taylor because that would make him boring because he would lose his originality. There are enough "Taylors" in Hollywood.

Dear Tay Hate:
Nice to hear Pattz isn't always such an anti-gent. But we hardly think taut teen Taylor's boring—he's getting more and more intriguing the more we learn about him. Surely you're confusing Mr. Lautner with his too-Hollywood costar Nikki Reed, no?

Dear Ted:
After seeing your most recent Truth, Lies & Ted video, I was instantly inspired with a fundraiser idea: a picture of you in the dog swim tank, to raise funds for local animal shelters. I think you could possibly sell a picture of yourself as I mentioned (since you looked like such a good boy!) autographed on your website with each sale being a donation for animal shelters. It's a win-win proposition: We win with an adorable pic of you and the kids win with money raised. Think about it and thanks for making my morning!

Dear Great Idea:
I'll def consider it, hon, tho the thought of getting all my pets to pose together in one photo seems daunting. How the hell did Jon and Kate manage it through all those TLC photo shoots?

Dear Ted:
Is Kellan Lutz Terry Tush-Trade? I know you said he isn't Toothy Tile, but I haven't seen you say he wasn't TTT. If not him, is it Christian Serratos? She made a comment about Saint Angelina Jolie at a convention and there's a TTT blind item description with a big chunk mentioning Angie. I personally think it's a female, and I could see either one, but the Kellan debate is more urgent since it gets heated by the moment. Please shed some light and put those flames out (no pun intented).

Dear Trade-off:
Kellan's currently only pining over his ex AnnaLynne—not a dude. T3's not C.S., either, better keep poking your cranium for another guess!

Dear Ted:
I was watching the hotness and sweetness that is Robert Buckley on my Lipstick Jungle DVD, and I kept thinking why on earth Ted never talks about him? And I had a revelation: Maybe Ted has been talking about him for years! Is he Toothy Tile?

Dear Cross Off Buckley:
The boob tube's too small for Toothy's grin and ego. Think bigger name, bigger screen.

Dear Ted:
We haven't seen pictures of Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron together for quite a few weeks? Are they no longer an item? What team does Zac really play for?
—Curious Girl

Dear Cat Killer:
They're not engaged, but that doesn't mean they've split up. While Van's promoting her own flick Bandslam here in the States (and deflecting all the new negative press regarding those new nude pics), Zac's off bungee jumping and filming The Life and Death of Charlie St. Cloud in Vancouver, which should explain any separation between the two. And in High School Musical I believe it was the Wildcats.

Dear Ted:
Why do people in Hollywood bother to get married? Especially the ones who are living double lives and cheating. What's the point?

Dear Selfish 'n' Slutty:
Easy, they want it all 'cause they're used to getting it all. Then again, double lives and adultery happen to normal folks outside the H'wood hills, too. What's their excuse?

Dear Ted:
Trying to decide what I think is wrong with Kellan Lutz's face. It might be the combo of the too-high cheekbones and the too-curvy mouth. He looks like a manly man is "supposed" to, but that's never been my type. R.P. is definitely No. 1. I find Jackson Rathbone intriguing, but also perhaps, ambiguously attractive, particularly at the Teen Choice Awards. He looked like Edward Scissorhands.

Dear Twi Guys:
Hey, that oddball look works for Johnny Depp. Jackson should consider that a compliment.

Dear Ted:
I think Miley Cyrus is completely worthy of the ban!

Dear Missing Miley:
Not gonna happen, darlin'. She's too much fun and way too much trouble. You might not be a fan of Ms. Montana, but there are about a billion tweens and inappropriately aged adults who certainly are.

Dear Ted:
Can you clarify for me the criteria that makes a celebrity an A-lister as opposed to a B-lister, a C-lister and D-lister—if there is such a thing and one celeb example of each? Thanks, you rock, and your casa Casablanca de animals does, too!

Dear Caste System:
There's a bit more to it, but typically it breaks down like this: A-list, movie stars; B-list, TV stars; C-list, reality-show judges; D-list, reality-show contestants.

Dear Ted:
My friend was in the same exact grade and school as Demi Lovato. She made it public that everyone bullied her and made a "We Hate Demi" sign, but why? Because she and her friends bullied everyone else! That's why they hated her, because she was mean. She would call people ugly and do the whole mean girl bit! She was a total Regina, not a Cady. Maybe the Mouse House should be more careful before it choose its next "squeaky-clean" heirs. Doesn't it suck to see the mean girl win?

Dear Lovato Loathe:
If what you're saying is true, hon, ain't blabbing to the public about her bitchy ways just as bitchy behavior?

Dear Ted:
I'm a little upset with you for plugging the RobPattzNews Twitter. She doesn't ever post anything related to Robsten unless she is being sarcastic about it, and when she does, she tries to debunk whatever the story may be. Do you have any idea how many faithful followers you have that she has blocked just for tweeting her some Robsten information? She is not a Robsten supporter and never will be. If someone is looking for stalkerish Rob information then, yeah, she's who to follow, but she's not a good source for Robsten. Couldn't you have found a better source to mention than RPN twitter? Still love you, but please don't mention her anymore. She makes a lot of us sick.

Dear Robsten Revile:
Where Rob goes, Robsten goes, and we're open to every source that's on the li'l hunky whippersnappers' tails. But don't think for a sec we won't call BS on them, though.

Dear Ted:
Is Fruzzy Tuna-Stench David Duchovny?

Dear Google Addict:
No, not that thin. Or married.

Dear Ted:
Love you, love the column, wish it were pages longer! However, regarding your recent Piss about drug dealers vs. drug abusers: I totally agree. Drug abusers need to be held accountable for their actions—how else are they going to get help? Obviously they aren't getting it (or utilizing it) from friends and family. But with Cameron Douglas, he was pushing meth. The most dangerous and disgusting drug out there. It's not only ridiculously addictive, but it's ridiculously lethal. It's unstable, so whoever is cooking it is endangering everyone on their block. And many times the residue is dumped, leaking into everyone's water supply. I am all about people being responsible with their actions, but when it comes to meth, I am done with them. Not very charitable, I know, but it's how I feel.

Dear One Big Meth:
The A.T. knows all about the dangers of meth—just look at Morgan Mayhem and Emma Uh-Oh. We already know that drug dealers are being held responsible for their actions. I'm just sayin' the dudes and dudettes who buy from those dealers should be, too.

Dear Ted:
I know this has already been answered on who's the biggest diva and bitch between Gwyneth Paltrow or Jen Garner, but I'll add Jennifer Lopez to the picture. So who will it be? Notice the trend...Ben Affleck sure has a knack for picking his women. I just knew Jen Garner was too good to be true. Why couldn't Ben be more like his best bud Matt Damon and pick a real down-to-earth gal and not one who is pretending to be one?

Dear More Like Damon:
Ben and Matt have a lot of things in common, but girls ain't one of them. How often have you see them hanging out in recent years? Methinks Damon can't stand any of Ben's babes, either.

Dear Ted:
Regarding the Angelina misquote: Why do you think so many people read you, Ted? When you say something, we know you have researched it. Thanks for the entertainment, especially Robsten!

Dear Defending Angie:
Wouldn't goss any other way. Thanks for the sweet words and the respect, doll.

Dear Ted:
Brad Pitt is such a phony! He is trying so hard to be this eclectic and sophisticated man when we all know that he is that same Oklahoma cowboy thief from Thelma & Louise (and that's why we love him). Own up to your trashy side Brad, that way you won't look like such a wannabe! What do you think, Ted? Am I right, or am I right?

Dear Pitt Hit:
It's called acting, and B.P. did a good enough job to convince you he's all muscles and hormones! 'Cause that's so not what he's like in real life...right?

Dear Ted:
The eldest Jonas brother (whatever his name is) has thighs too fat for skinny jeans. There. I said it. Why do only women get the microscopic close-up when it comes to their bodies in this wretched town! Pick on the male fatties, too!

Dear He's Called Kevin:
Uh, we wouldn't call Kev fat. We wouldn't put him in our Fat Man Gallery, either. Let's see how he grows in five years.

Dear Ted:
Love your column and I absolutely adore your new doggie Charlie. After giving us Robsten, a couple of days back you pointed out to us the cuteness that is Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki. I watched the videos you posted and must say, Jensen and Jared are adorable together. So I was wondering—how does Robsten compare to Jackles?

Dear Almost Equal:
Both duos are superhot in their own ways. But while we can rewatch Twilight for Robsten's award-winning Best Kiss, we don't get to see Jackles liplock onscreen or off. (Unless this drive-by lick counts?)

Dear Ted:
I have a question about Jennifer Aniston. Remember when she went to the Golden Globes and used a cane? I heard that she hurt her foot because she kicked a couch in a rage. My source said she flew into fits fairly often and Brad Pitt just kind of took it, for a while it seems. Is this true? I know it's a rather old story, but wondering if this is true of her behavior, similar to that of Jen Garner. Also I promise I am much nicer, even though I share a name with them. Is there a nice Jennifer in Hollywood?

Dear Angry Aniston:
Her publicist confirmed she banged it on furniture, but was it displacing her anger toward Brad? We certainly wouldn't doubt it. Pitt put up with a lot during his marriage to Jen—no wonder he totally did a 180, both lifestyle- and personality-wise, when he shacked up with Angie. And we love Jennifer Jason Leigh, Jennifer Connelly, Jennifer Hudson...Don't let a few bad Jen's ruin the name for ya!

Dear Ted:
I think I know the identity of limp ladylover Fruzzy Tuna-Stench. Did someone in your inner circle—perhaps even yourself—once steam up some windows with a younger Fruzzy in a Blind Vice a long, long time ago?

Dear Smells Fishy:
No. That was not me, nor Fruzzy, who makes no attempt to steam anything, man, woman or sex toy, if he can lie around naked satisfying himself (alone), instead.

Dear Ted:
For some reason, I didn't watch How I Met Your Mother until Lifetime started airing episodes on Mondays, but I am now officially a fan! And Jason Segel is now one of my celebrity crushes! What can you tell us about him? Has he been a B.V.?

Dear Segel Snoop:
No, but some of his friends have been.

Dear Ted:
A few questions from an obsessed Twi mom: Do you think Nikki Reed is truly an excellent "typecast" for Rosalie? Do you own any Twilight memorabilia? Can a movie studio in the year 2009 really enforce "behavior modification" like they used to in the golden age of Hollywood? Isn't Bryce Dallas Howard a married mom? Do you know a home remedy for feline hair balls? Whew, too many questions?

Dear Vamp Mom:
We def can think of a few more true beauties who would pull of Rosalie better than Nik. Can't say any of the A.T. crew has any Twi memorabilia, besides our lifelong memories of dishing with the cast in the flesh. Yes, studios can bully their actors by threats and moolah. Bryce is indeed a married mom, and a vegan, since you're so eager for trivia. And the only remedy for feline hair balls is don't have a cat!

Dear Ted:
Any Jonas related gossip to celebrate the birthday of the amazingly gorgeous Joe Jonas?

Dear Jonesing for Jonas:
Somebody beat ya to the snoopy punch -- my colleague Answer Bitch has this one covered for ya, sweetie.

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