Chrissy Teigen is ready to share her story.
In a deeply personal essay published on Medium, the supermodel opened up about her pregnancy loss. Her powerful tribute comes about a month after she broke the news that she and husband John Legend had lost their third child, who she named Jack.
"I had no idea when I would be ready to write this," Chrissy began her essay, which was published on Tuesday, Oct. 27. "Part of me thought it would be early on, when I was still really feeling the pain of what happened. I thought I would sit in the corner of my bedroom with the lights dimmed, just rolling off my thoughts. I'd have a glass of red wine, cozy up with a blanket, and finally get the chance to address 'what happened.'"
The 34-year-old star explained, "I didn't really know how I would start this, no matter the room or state I was in, but it feels right to begin with a thank you."
"For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, 'you probably won't read this, but…' I can assure you, I did."
Chrissy explained that many of the messages she received also began with "'You don't have to respond to this...,'" which she described as a "true relief."
"After we first lost Jack, I found myself incredibly worried that I wasn't able to thank everyone for their extreme kindness," she mentioned. "Many shared incredible personal experiences, some shared books and poems. I wanted to thank everyone, share our story with each individual person. But I knew I was in no state to. For me, the 'no need to respond' note was such a true relief. I thank you for each and every one of those."
In her essay, the Cravings author also touched on the personal moments she had the day she was expected to give birth.
"At this point I had already come to terms with what would happen: I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20 week old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms)," she recalled thinking. "I was previously on bedrest for over a month, just trying to get the little dude to 28 weeks, a 'safer' zone for the fetus."
She said her doctor had diagnosed her with "partial placenta abruption," something she mentioned she had experienced with her second child. However, with her third pregnancy, she encountered other issues.
"I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn't getting enough food from my placenta," she shared, adding, "But this was my first abruption. We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop. In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in."
Chrissy quipped that she "became an adult diaper expert" during this time. "Some were blush colored, with drawn delicate flowers," she described. "I got to the point where I was actually like, 'hell yeah, throw me the pink ones!' — something I never thought I'd be excited for. But there we were."
But not everything could be seen with a bright side.
"I could have spent these days at the hospital, but not much of a difference would have been made," she continued. "I was still seen by doctors at home, silently twisting their negative words into positives, thinking that everything might still turn out okay. Finally, I had a pretty bad night in bed, after a not-so-great ultrasound, where I was bleeding a bit more than even my abnormal amount... The fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly."
She remembered the heartbreaking message her doctor told her. "After a couple nights at the hospital," she recalled, "my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye."
"He just wouldn't survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either," she expressed. "We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn't done anything at all. Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness."
She added, "Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness."
The star also discussed the criticism she received for posting photos of her pregnancy loss, but as she put it, "I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it's something you wouldn't have done."
"I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren't for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like," she pointed out. "These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me."
Chrissy, her mom and husband were able to give Jack their "own private goodbyes." And while the supermodel and her loved ones are still mourning the loss of the baby, the author explained that penning her essay has been cathartic.
"I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life," she said, "so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so. Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see. Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky."
Read Chrissy's full essay here.