Luke Parker has left the building...for now.
Tonight, we watched his and Hannah Brown's fantasy suite date on The Bachelorette, which went horribly, horribly wrong before they could even read that creepy card that Chris Harrison personally writes to Hannah and all of her boyfriends to invite them to spend the night together.
Fortunately for all of us, Luke was the only one it went horribly wrong for, because he put his foot in his mouth in more ways than we even imagined possible, in an incredible way that brought Hannah to all of her senses once and for all.
Things were actually going really well for most of their date. They took a helicopter to Santorini and had a really nice time, and they even seemed to be having a nice chat as they sat down for their dinner. Hannah was all smiley, and Luke pointed out how she was all smiley, and it was weird but still fine. Then, Luke got real weird.
"I'm talking about marriage, because this is a huge deal. And forever shouldn't be taken lightly, and there's so many things that I want for myself in my future wife and my future that I want it the way I want it, you know what I mean?"
That's when Hannah's smile went away.
"You brought up something on Hometowns that you've been a spiritual leader in your household. That's something that I can totally relate to. I have been the spiritual leader in my household. You know how that is. That's not the easiest all the time, but I'm so ready to make history in my family. I want to make sure that from now on, things are known how they're supposed to be."
What...does that even mean?
"So let's talk about sex," Luke then said, with a weird grin. "Sex is an incredible thing, and it's a beautiful thing...only when it's within the guidelines of marriage."
"This whole process I've been studying Hebrews, and it talks about how marriage should be honored by everybody, and how the marriage bed should be kept pure."
"I know you're not a virgin. We've had the talk. You know I'm not. I've been abstaining myself from sex for like three and a half to four years and I know that regardless of what I've done in the past, I am saving myself for marriage and I am very confident that we're on the same page with our morals and I just want to hear it from your mouth. There's a lot of people that say they believe in some things and yet they live or do things completely differently."
BUCKLE UP A LITTLE MORE.
"And thinking about fantasy suites, like I've heard people proclaim their faith, but yet they've said things like, 'I'm excited for fantasy suites, I want to explore this relationship on a sexually intimate level, and that's what I'm looking forward to,' and to me that's like, uh, what, excuse me? There's something I'm missing here. Like I don't believe that's something that you should be doing and I just want to make sure you're not going to be sexually intimate with the other relationships here."
"Like, I totally have all the trust in the world for you, but at the same time I just want to make sure we're on the same page. Like if you told me you were having sex, or you had sex with one or multiple of these guys, I'd be wanting to go home, 100%. But if that's something you're not going through then I'm just going to continue to grow the relationship and move on."
Finally, this was the point where Hannah got a chance to speak, and she didn't seem to know just how to start.
"Umm...sex is a very big deal to me, and I've said like, I've had sex with two people in my life, and it was long relationships i thought were going to be my husband. But like, some of the things that you said, I don't agree with at all. And honestly, I'm like kinda mad, because like, the way that you just said that is like, why do you have the right to do that? Because you're not my husband, and you're not..."
Then, Luke dared.
"Can I cut you off for a second?"
"No! It's just that you're questioning me, that you're judging me and feel like you have the right to, and don't at this point. And I get when you like, care for somebody that you don't want to think about somebody being intimate with another person, but guess what. Sex might be a sin out of marriage, but pride is a sin too, and I feel like this is like a pride thing."
"So, I do want to take a step back to things I have said already, and I want you to know that, just reassessing what I've told you, like, Hannah, I don't take it lightly when I tell you that I love you. Let's say I am the last date, and let's say you have had sex—throwing a crazy scenario at you, let's say you've had sex with all these other relationships. All of 'em. I'm willing to do or work through anything. You're right. I don't have the right to ask you that, but I just want to know what's going on, because..."
"But you did."
"You're right, but..."
"LET ME TALK! You did, you did ask, and the words that you just used were you're 'willing' to work through this. I'm a grown woman and can make my own decisions, and I'm not strapped to a man right now."
Apparently, all of this, despite the fact that all the words above are Luke's actual words typed out verbatim, was completely misconstrued and misunderstood. Ugh! We're always misconstruing all those sexist things Luke is always actually saying!
"This has happened a lot to me throughout this process," said the man who actually definitely said all those things.
"No, it's what you said," Hannah correctly pointed out.
"Just being real, I can understand a slip up, but like, with all of them? I mean that's kind of where I was going with that. If you were just like, you know what, I'm gonna just have sex with everyone and see what it's like, then yeah I would be like, OK, I'm gonna talk to you, but you know what, I'm outta here."
As Hannah correctly pointed out again, Luke's really bad at words. And also he sucks!
"The words that you're saying are just like really not OK. They're just not OK. And the closest thing that I've ever felt to love at first sight was probably with you, and our relationship from the beginning gave me so much hope, and then it was like, all this s--t kept happening, and honestly, like, you have already broken my heart through this, like truly, and I've broken my own heart because I've allowed everything. And to ignore all the red flags for how I feel, to have this, and to have you say this about me and make me feel like you would look at me any differently and judge me or make me feel like you would not think of me as a woman of faith like I am, and that we weren't on the same page. It's like you're holding other people to a standard that you don't even live by.
Maybe you abstain from sex, but there's a lot of things that you struggle with, and because I might want to or have had sex, that's like, you're x'd off. Well I could have X'd you off from being my husband from things that I want out of a relationship, and that it's just sex for you and you're like, if you've had sex, then I'm going home. Well I want somebody who can get along with people, who doesn't have pride issues. There's so many things that I don't want out of a husband that you've shown, so it's like, oh my gosh. Like, that's a big like, f--k you! That's what that is."
Are you standing up and clapping yet? Bowing down to Hannah Brown? Getting a tattoo of her face on your face?
Finally, she has seen the big blinking red light that is how awful Luke is, and she isn't just putting that light out. She's destroying that light. She's taking a baseball bat to that bulb. She's done!
Luke continued on, saying if Hannah did "slip up" and had sex, nothing would change about how he feels about her, and Hannah told him she did not "slip up."
"Do you see this? You're so thankful to be here and so thankful, but you need to know if I have had sex with another person for you to make the decision of how you're going to move forward with me."
Finally, Hannah said it.
"I've prayed so much for clarity, and I feel like I've finally gotten clarity on you, and I do not want you to be my husband."
And that was the end for Hannah. She had nothing else she wanted to hear from Luke, because she had her clarity. Sure, Luke had lots more to say, but she didn't let him say it. He even tried to say she "owed" him the chance to speak, and that just made her madder.
"I don't owe you anything. I have given you so many...oh my god. I cannot believe you just said that. I'm so mad. I don't owe you anything at this point. Do you not understand that? I have bent over backwards for this relationship! So I don't owe you anything. Please get up!"
Finally, Hannah got Luke to the limo, but he still wouldn't get in the damn limo.
"I don't even care what you just said to me about you feeling like you have clarity on this. I still feel like you don't. And there's something in me that is refusing me to get into that vehicle right now."
"I can probably get you to go in that limo, from what you said. I'm like, so mad. So like, I have had sex."
"Yeah, and Jesus still loves me. From obviously how you feel, me f--king in a windmill probably...you probably want to leave."
"I didn't just go to the fantasy suite," Hannah told the camera. "I f--ked in a windmill. And guess what. We did it a second time!"
Then, Luke pulled out another gem.
"Can I pray over you before I leave?"
WHO WROTE THIS MAN'S LINES?
We're definitely going to need the next week to recover from that whole thing, especially since the preview shows that Luke returns, despite everything we just saw. This man has some issues. Now, can we pray over you before we leave? No? That's cool.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.