Whether it's a poopy-mouthed Isaiah Washington, a puffin' Paris or you potty-mouthed readers, girl- and boyfriends, somethin' smells off, so let's get this stinky party started, already!
Paris Hilton


That didn't take long: Paris Hilton has officially returned to the club scene. I was worried, you? The recently released babe was jivin' just this past weekend—post-Fourth frolicking at the beach with Linds & Co.—over at Les Deux, my fave debauched hang of the rich and not so innocent. Mischa cuts up there like you would not believe, but this quickie ain't 'bout that cutie.

So, there was our Pare-poo, lookin' as luscious as evah, definitely filled back up on all those cupcakes 'n' such (but not too much, natch), slinkin' in a long, semiconservative dress and hat, gabbin' with a g-friend. And what's even more interesting than P.'s after-joint jumpin' spot of choice was the accessory she was puffin' on—from a distance, swear it coulda/kinda/sorta looked like a joint.

Oh, silly us, almost forgot that Paris Hilton doesn't do drugs. Never has, in fact, as she swore to Larry King, despite some exhibits elsewhere to the contrary. The burnin' stuff had to have been one of her infamous hand-rolled cigarettes she likes to enjoy.

Just don't let it get to three packs a day, hon-pie, like it did with me. Bitch to quit.

Isaiah Washington

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

“He’s not humble, he’s desperate.”

Grey’s Anatomy source, regarding the humble-pie parade that homophobic-slur-slinger Isaiah Washington is currently trotting himself around in (including Paris' mea culpa stopover, Larry King, last week). It's like some kind of hot-air humility flotilla the guy's got goin'. “People on the set were terrified of him, that’s ultimately why he was fired by ABC," added the Grey’s loose-lipper.

T.R. Knight

Albert L. Ortega/WireImage.com

True? Hard to get to the source and find out, as, remember, Washington refuses to talk to me and blames yours truly for starting this all up. Larry King’s producers missed a golden opportunity when I.W. did the softie interview—King didn’t even second-guess Washington when he blamed me (same thing he’s doing with T.R. Knight) for his potty mouth. Had the show replayed the tape where Washington blurted out offensive remarks on his own accord, they would have had his history-rewriting ass on the spot.
It’s all hog poop, really. If you’re game and you've got a good set of nostrils, read on for more smelly utterings.
Lindsay Lohan

Jamie McCarthy/wireImage.com

Dear Ted:
What’s with everyone protecting Lindsay Lohan? Why is everyone so afraid to call her out?
  Portland, Oregon

Dear Peeved Punisher:
S'pose it's 'cause first came the rumors, then came the pics, and now the police report...It’s like no friggin' duh.

Jessica Alba

Albert L. Ortega/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
My husband and I went to see Fantastic Four. The movie was fine, but Jessica Alba can’t act. She said her lines as if she was reading off a cue card or something! Next time she’s in a movie, I will not see it!
  Washington, D.C.

Dear Academy:
Meryl Streep she ain’t (in fact, she ain’t even Jennifer Garner), but I’m waiting to see her out of a bikini or spandex unitard and in a more serious role before I write her off completely.

Dear Ted:
“Rich, horribly mannered and not exactly a catch”? When did Brandon Davis become one of your moles? Congrats on your upcoming nuptials!
  Washington, D.C. 

Dear Funny Honey:
If “rich, horribly mannered and not exactly a catch” doesn’t describe 90 percent of the male club-hopping population here in Hell-Ay, then I don’t know what does. 

Fahrenheit 9/11, Michael Moore

Lions Gate

Dear Ted:
I am effing tired of hearing about celebrities practically worshipping people like Michael Moore. With 15 cars and multimillion-dollar estates, don't you think Michael would look down on these people who are apparently just as greedy as the "evil right"? I mean, compare the scenes of the rich socialites in his movies with just about any happening event in Hollywood...oops, those people support him, so I guess that makes them okay?! Whatev. 
  Columbus, Ohio

Dear Lifestyles of the Rich and Richer:
M.M. uses celebs as conduits to attention just like celebs use his progressive ideals for PR purposes. My bet is Mr. Moore is raking in enough dough to purchase a lofty piece of property himself.

Don Johnson

Paul Fenton-KPA/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:     
By any chance could B3 be Don Johnson? Former hottie, now a nottie. So nottie, in fact, that I really had to think to remember what his name was.      
  Mount Vernon, Ohio

Dear Miami Vice:
Nope, Butt-Burning Bruce from One Horny Improvement Blind Vice is not Mr. Jay, but a very good guess that might be. Think diff kinda career, right age group, though.     

John Edwards

Jason Moore/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Love you to pieces, darling, and a belated congrats on the engagement! Just had to chime in on the whole "breeder" thing. How in the world can people find that term offensive? I'm straight and am not bothered one iota about being called a breeder. By the way, I do so hope that your presidential election source is wrong about the GOP getting back into the White House in '08. You are absolutely correct in that the Supreme Court will head even further to the far right. Wake up, America! Let's go, John Edwards!

Dear Politico a-Go-Go:
Thanks for the vote of confidence on both accounts. Anyone but Bush in ’08!

Britney Spears


Dear Ted:     
Who takes care of Britney’s kids when she’s at the clubs? I think they should take them away from her! By the way, is she drinking again when she goes out? She’s an accident waiting to happen.
  New Haven, Connecticut

Dear Preachin' Papa:
Brit’s starting to make The Hoff look like Parent of the Year. The whole sitch is just so sad. I want to see a three-generation reconciliation in the Spears house.

Claire Danes

Dimitrios Kambouris/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I definitely hate to say this, but Fake-à-la  Ferocity is Claire Danes. Did you see her on The Daily Show? Yikes!      

Dear Not So Great Dane:
Wrong type altogether, darlin’. Think a tad more mattress-worthy.       

Paris Hilton

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Three questions: (1) Do you buy that race came into play at all in the T.R. Knight/Isaiah Washington dispute/firing? (2) Is Tyrese really a homophobe? (3) Why do Paris Hilton's hair extensions look so much better than Britney's?
  West Palm Beach, Florida

Dear Unique Inquisitor:
(1) No. (2) That’s the word on the fagola H'wood street, but no direct knowledge here. (3) Britney’s bald and thus does not have enough hair to amply attach extensions.   

Pierce Brosnan

Jeff Vespa/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I wouldn't have believed it either, but I'll bet Butt-Burning is none other than Pierce Brosnan.  

Dear Double-No-Seven:
Another fab Blind stab, doll-cakes, but alas, no shaken martini for a reward. By the by, don’t think Butt-Burning cares that much for booze. Clean-livin’ sorta bloke.

David Beckham, Victoria Beckham

Anthony Harvey/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
What do you think of Posh 'n' Becks? Do you think they have what it takes to be big stars in the U.S.? I've seen clips with Victoria that make me love her, but then she seems so cold and I never hear about her doing charity work or really anything other than shopping. How do you think they'll do on this side of the pond?
  Louisville, Kentucky


Dear Hot or Not:
I think his byoot bod and perf punim and her sassy ass are just what America ordered. They are definitely fun to watch. Does this country really care about charity?

Dear Ted:
Wendy Williams is promoting her soon-to-be-out flick based on her life. It's great! Maybe you can have your own movie, too. I bet that would be more than exciting, might even top the box-office mojo.

Dear Name in Lights:
Let’s see, what would we call it, the Toothy Truth?

Brandon Davis

Chris Weeks/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Brandon Davis looks like an illegitimate child of Elvis. He sure resembles the bloated king in his Hawaii years. What does he do? Besides eat, that is.

Dear Tired of the Grease:
His profound and ever-present face sweat seems to be B.D.’s biggest accomplishment. That and his oodles of moolah, the elixir of the Hollywood untalented set.

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