Man with an Umbrella

RANDY PENCH/Sacramento Bee/

Now that NBC has purchased the Weather Channel there is sure to be a general sprucing up of the meteorological network. This will, no doubt, be carried out by the same sage heads of wisdom who have recently given us such hallmarks of progressive television as American Gladiators and Celebrity Family Feud.

So what changes are in store? Once again, the tireless and amazing investigative reporters of The Soup Blog were able to uncover a wealth of top-secret insider memorandums. It's really incredible what we can accomplish when we're not bound by reality, you know? So we present here, in full, unsubstantiated and clearly fictional detail:
Five Proposed Changes to the Weather Channel.

1. Mandatory tornadic conditions twice a year, during sweeps

2. New flagship series, America's Got Weather, hosted by Montel Williams, celebrates the richness and diversity of American weather patterns, as communities vie to be awarded "Most Clement" status

3. Hurricanes renamed "wind criminals"

4. In a special celebrity weather segment, Mike Bettes and Stephanie Abrams check in with Loni Anderson to see if she's still feeling clammy

5. Cross-promotion between networks: TWC Storm Tracker, Jim Cantore, appears as himself on The Office. Michael Scott asks, "What is it like being the most respected meteorologist in America?" Cantore answers, "There's a lot of pressure and that's when it's the hardest." Michael responds, "That's—she said that!"

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