Jimmy Kimmel, Jay Leno

NBC Photo: Paul Drinkwater

While it’s impossible to ascertain the true identity of any reader of this blog, we erringly believe it’s safe to assume that much, if not all, of our reader base is made up exclusively of big-time celebrities and powerful honchos. And, by our faulty logic, this set must naturally include all of our nation’s most beloved talk-show hosts, yes? So, hosts, thank you for reading, and this one's for you...

We were able to acquire a rundown—might be a breakdown, we’ll have to check on that—of most of your shows this week. With your tireless hosting schedules, it must be a life-consuming battle to formulate all those questions for your interviews. Here, then, are a few good questions for upcoming talk-show guests. We offer them utterly free of expectation or reward. You’re welcome.

Regis & Kelly, Tues., May, 20, Shia LaBeouf: Why does my spell-check hate your name so much?

The View, Wed., May 21, Kermit the Frog: Who is that man crouching behind you on the other side of the sofa?

The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Fri., May 23, Hilary Duff: Which one are you again?

Late Show With David Letterman, Wed., May 21, Jimmy Buffett: That song "Margaritaville," what’s that all about?

Last Call With Carson Daly, Wed., May 21, Bill Bellamy: Can you tell me why I’m on the air? I mean, do you know anyone who watches this show? Ever?

Jimmy Kimmel Live, Tues., May 20, Ashton Kutcher: Your new movie, What Happens in Vegas, was a huge success. Do you have any plans to star in additional films based on tourism-board slogans?

The Today Show, Mon., May 19, Raven-Symoné: How many of your younger fans do you think are aware that when you were just a 3-year-old girl, you absolutely ruined The Cosby Show?

Late Night With Conan O’Brien, Wed., May 21, Harrison Ford: Which role do you think you’ll be most remembered for: Han Solo or Alexei Vostrikov from K-19: The Widowmaker?

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, Thurs., May 22, the winner of American Idol: Could you please ask your father to stop handing me suggestion cards?

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