John Mayer

Michael Owen Baker/Los Angeles Daily News/ZUMA Press

Here's your reminder to call your mutha today and tell her "shana tova" for Rosh Hashanah, beginning tonight at sundown. For all you non-Jews out there, the big R.H. is the Jewish New Year, and it's all about looking back at the mistakes you've made in the past 365 days and how you can steer clear for the year ahead. (Take note, Ryan O'Neal, you very bad liar—you were just safekeeping drugs from your son, my still fairly taut ass.)

So, ya see, Yom Kippur (Oct. 8 this year) is all about atoning for your sins and sayin'...sorry. Every celeb, Jewish or no, should be honoring both holidays this year, fer sure. That's what we friggin' say. Here's our top list of who needs to atone for their sins the most from this past year:

Clay Aiken
Should Make Amends With: His Claymates, who are shocked and appalled by him lying to them for all these years about his sexuality. The same people are requesting an apology from the sky for being blue.

Sarah Palin
Should Make Amends With: Women and gays. And all the wolves she's hunted down.

John Mayer
Should Make Amends With: Minka Kelly, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston for lovin' and leavin' so easily, like women are deflated blow-up dolls or something.

Jay-Z & Beyoncé
Should Make Amends With: The paparazzi, for actually making their wedding a private affair without anybody making money off of it—how dare they!

The Lohans
Should Make Amends With: Each other. But since that'll never happen, we suggest the media, instead. For using us instead of family counseling.

Patrick Swayze
Should Make Amends With: Himself, for still smoking even after being diagnosed with cancer. Almost feel idiotic wishing you a speedy recovery if you're not gonna help yourself first.

Katherine Heigl
Should Make Amends With: The Grey's Anatomy writers—quickly, before Izzie suddenly and unexpectedly becomes a mute.

Shia LaBeouf
Should Make Amends With: Paris, Nicole Richie, Mischa Barton and Lindsay Lohan, for getting completely off the hook for drunken-driving charges.

Katie Holmes
Should Make Amends With: The fashion community, for introducing rolled-up baggy jeans back into the mainstream.

Jessica Simpson
Should Make Amends With: Country music in general.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

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