Jennifer Garner

Dear Ted:
I'm glad you're letting people see what Jen Garner is like. If enough scuttlebutt gets out on a star, sometimes the public stops buying what they're selling. Should Justin Timberlake start taking notes?

Dear Note Taker:
Jen and Justin are in two different categories. People like J.T. Even Britney (which is saying a lot).

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile
is Jennifer Garner. Enjoy your column...can't agree with you on your politics. God bless America and God bless you!

Dear Kinda Kindred:
Glad we can agree to disagree—par-tick on the testy J.G. being Toothy. She wishes she were that interesting!

Dear Ted:
Celebs and celeb bloggers ranting against the republican "Scare Pair" could drive people the wrong way. The majority of America exists between coasts, and I reckon these folks are reluctant to take orders from La La Land dandies. What do they know about mortgages, hurricanes wasting your only house, etc? So stick to coolheaded politics reporting, please! We Europeans are also worried of the consequences of a McCain/Palin victory.

Dear Continental Divide:
Gosh, let's see, what about melting real-estate markets, mudslides, fires, earthquakes, idiot stalkers, murderously insane celebrities and riots threatening not only our houses (many of them mansions, true), as well as our lives? And people say I don't know what I'm talking about!

Dear Ted:
You know, Ted, you keep saying Brangelina ain't gonna last. What exactly is your time frame on that? They've been together over three years now. Longer than 50 percent or higher of Hollywood marriages and relationships. There are very few Hollywood marriages that last over ten years. So why are you always predicting their imminent demise? So you can say "you heard it first here"?
—Castle Clifton

Dear Countdown to Dumping:
According to your math, guess they've got seven years left.

Dear Ted:
Did you know that in 1900 Teddy Roosevelt was under 45 years old, loved the outdoors, hunted for sport, was a Republican reformer, took on the Republican Party establishment, had many children and had a spot on the national ticket as vice president with less than two years in the governor's office? Just some trivia from one liberal republican (I fully believe in equal rights for all) to a wonderful gossip hound that I love so much and gives me a reason to log on to something other than work.
—KiKi, Orange County

Dear Check Your Calendar:
It ain't 1900 anymore.

Dear Ted:
I don't care much for putting these kinds of things in the comments section, which more and more lately has been populated by Neanderthals (see: Tom Green) and tightasses (see: anything politically oriented). Just wanted to say that I think your political-mindedness (which, I remember well, is not new) is just what I look forward to more and more these days. At least those people reacting to your columns are talking about politics for a change and showing they care. I guess that's something, right? In any case, you're doing a great job, and I wish you well.
—Noelle, Seattle

Dear Evolved:
Thanks, babe. Appreciate the shared desire for political discourse, even on a gossip blog.

Dear Ted:
I just wanted to let you know how inappropriate your transition from gossip to political mudslinging has been.

Dear Websters Wannabe:
Show me the difference.

Dear Ted:
You rock! Vous avez le look, et la langue coupante, avec aussi beaucoup d'humour, bien plus interessant et intelligent que Ryan Seacrest.

Dear French Class:
Merci beaucoup, mon chère!

Dear Ted:
Now, Ted, we all know you like to slam the Jennifers...Aniston and Garner. But why do you never say anything bad about the nastiest of the Hollywood Jennifers: Miss Jennifer Lopez? Are you on her payroll?

Dear Jenny From the Blah:
We wish—just imagine the paycheck from a woman who never lets her kids wear the same outfit twice. J.Lo's been busy with her babies—let 'em grow up a bit and she'll bring her sass back out into the public in no time.

Dear Ted:
In the Shirley Surly Blind Vice, you said Shirley and her husband won't have a happy ending because the dude with the board ain't the only cat in this pussy's bag. Could that mean a baby on board that possibly is not her husband's and that's why they won't get past it?

Dear Det. Domestic:
It's a baby, so to speak, she had sex with, darling, not gave birth to.

Dear Ted:
Did you by chance catch a look at the pictures of Tom and Katie's hug at her play's premiere? Looks kind of forced and unloving if you ask me. Her shoulders and back are arched away from Tom, but her face is moving forward. What is your analysis of their body language? I know you know the goods on these two. Love your column!

Dear True Love:
They're both in love with the cameras, at least that's fer sure.

Dear Ted:
Why don't you ever talk about the luckiest woman in Hollywood: Talia Balsam? She is the chick who managed to drag George Clooney down the aisle, and now, she is married to hottie John Slattery. What's her secret?

Dear The Only Mrs. Clooney:
Gal sure has a thing for silver foxes. But whatever magic that missy once had, it sure didn't last, at least for Georgie. And does the name Sara Larson even ring a bell anymore?

Dear Ted:
Thank you for making sure the public doesn't forget about the people still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Ike. It seems like most of the news media has all but forgotten about what we're dealing with down here each and every day, and not just in Galveston.
—K.B., Houston

Dear Darlin':
Hopefully, not any longer.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

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