Larry Birkhead

Johnny Nunez/

Fave post-big-show, sorryass quotes: We caught up with tabloid king (or is it jester?) Larry Birkhead at a post-Emmys do at the Disney Concert Hall. Didya catch the show, Lar? “I watched a little bit of it, but I was changing diapers, so I had one eye on the TV, one eye on the diapers.” Guess it’s a good thing you weren’t really rootin’ for anything to win, then: “I’m a TV junkie, but I have to catch nighttime shows, 'cause I’m usually on duty.” We think ya mean daddy duty, right? 'Cause it ain’t like you’re working a nine-to-five job. Unless you literally walk into Us Weekly’s office everyday and spill on your daughter’s doings. He’s like Michael Lohan, if Lindsay were only 2 years old.

Funny enough, this is what L.B. thinks is the most challenging part of the whole daddy deal: “Being a dad under the microscope, and everything you do being judged and being critiqued.” We’re not sorry to add fuel to the fire, Birk-babe—what did ya think would happen when you hooked up with a rag-mag fixture like Anna Nicole and procreated with her? And then announced every last diaper drop-off to the press? Think nobody’s gonna comment?

Lar’s a trouper though—he says he’s “learning to adjust” to this highly publicized life. Must be adapting pretty well, since he’s got a TV pilot in the works for this very network, joining the ranks of reality-show divas Denise and Dina. The show will follow “a day in the life of a dad...It’s a way for me to tell my story in my own way.” And we thought you already had enough opportunities to talk to the tabs?

One last Q for the fatherly Birk-hon: Since all ya wanna yak about is being a dad anyway, what’s your take on teens and tots today on TV? “Some of these storylines are getting racier and racier...They’re learning from an early age to be all Miley Cyrus’d out...I’m gonna be real protective.” Such the pisser disser! And says the dude who hooked up with a babe who puts Miley’s wannabe bad-girl struts to shame? Too rich for words this guy who’s putting his half-orphaned daughter on national TV. Good work, pops. With your parenting, we wouldn’t be surprised if li'l Dannielynn throws a Frances Bean-esque Suicidal 16 when she reaches that age.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

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