Lance Bass, Kim Kardashian, Toni Braxton, Misty May-Treanor

Lisa O'Connor/, Jeff Frank/, Joe Kohen/Getty Images, Bryan Bedder/Getty Images

Dancing With the Stars kicked off its three-night seventh-season premiere extravaganza tonight, with all the sequins, tuxes, pre-dance jitters, trips to the emergency room and Bruno Tonioli metaphors that such an endeavor entails.

While all 13 contestants had a go Monday, only 12 will dance Tuesday and then, on Wednesday, yet another will get the boot, leaving 11 to tango on in week two.

But in the meantime, find out who starred, who stunk, what the judges said, what we think and then—if you have any energy left—tell us what you thought...

  • Cody Linley: The 18-year-old Hannah Montana star and closet beat-boxer has great potential. With all that teenage energy, he matched two-time champion Julianne Hough cha-for-cha in the opening dance of the season. His footwork wasn't perfect, but he moves well and has a great attitude, not to mention a partner who, if all else fails, can keep all eyes on her with costumes such as that backless, one-sided fringed number she was sporting tonight. Well done!
    Judges said:
    18 ("I'm just freaking out that both of you—your combined age—is younger than my age," judge Carrie Ann Inaba fretted.)

  • Rocco DiSpirito: We were glad to see that Katrina Smirnoff was still able to wear a barely there dress despite all the pasta the celebrity chef appeared to be feeding her—mainly because this duo's going to need all the help they can get, considering DiSpirito couldn't land a toe-heel lead to save his life. All of which makes us wonder, did Smirnoff sprain her ankle on purpose?
    Judges said: 14 ("A fox-trot on the brink of chaos," per Bruno.)
  • Toni Braxton: It was a bit nervewracking watching the 40-year-old singer after she revealed that she had recently been diagnosed with microvascular angina, which occurs when not enough oxygen is making it into the heart. But Braxton's body rivals the female pros and she cha-cha'd like a natural, curing our stage fright in one session. This could finally be Alec Mazo's chance to reclaim that season-one glory.
    Judges said: 22 ("Everybody knows I like my divas—slinky, sultry, sexy—and you are all of that," Bruno growled.)
  • Maurice Green: The Olympic track star started off in the middle of the pack, ably dancing a fox-trot but not necessarily to the extent that we think Cheryl Burke will be winning another disco ball any time soon. But we know that Green's feet can really fly on a good day, so if he survives to dance a mambo tomorrow, it'll give us a better sense of what he's capable of.
    Judges said: 18 ("I feel like I should call you Mo James Brown,'" Carrie Ann offered.)

  • Brooke Burke: The 37-year-old mother of four (including a 6-month-old) has moves to spare and a tummy to envy. Suited up in skintight pants, Burke didn't seem to be suffering from the stiffness that has afflicted DWTS' past model contestants, such as Josie Maran and Paulina Porizkova. Instead, she gave Derek Hough his first-ever week one lead by trotting out a graceful, sexy cha-cha.
    Judges said: 23, best dance of the night

  • Ted McGinley: The 50-year-old Married With Children star could have been the Steve Gutenberg of the bunch, but instead the handsome actor donned a tux and proved a dashing partner for DWTS newcomer Inna Brayer. Sure, there were mistakes and there was a bit of a sitcom dream-sequence element to it. But unlike Rocco, the man knows how to lead with his toes.
    Judges said: 18 ("At moments you had the elegance of Cary Grant in To Catch a Thief—and then you turned into Steve Carell in Get Smart..." per Bruno.)

  • Lance Bass: First off, there was some butt-kicking choreography from former So You Think You Can Dance finalist Lacey Schwimmer, a welcome addition to the pro fold and Hough's main rival for resident hot young thang. As for Bass… Worst dancer in 'N Sync, our foot. The 29-year-old popster fulfilled all of his boy-band potential and more, instantly becoming a front-runner by acing a technically complicated, hot 'n sexy cha-cha right off the bat. They should have received a 24, but Len Goodman is a fuddy-duddy.
    Judges said: 22 ("A cha-cha-cha for now!" Bruno declared.)

  • Cloris Leachman: Flashing some intense cleavage in a gorgeous blue gown, the Oscar-winning 82-year-old is the oldest contestant the show has ever had. While Leachman could easily prove to be a fan favorite, especially for those who always enjoyed watching their grandparents cut a rug, there technically isn't much to watch, dancewise. But we recommend keeping her around, if for no other reason than we feel she's the contestant most likely to drop an F-bomb on live TV.
    Judges said: 16 ("I've always wanted to be a [boy-toy], and this could be my chance!" said Len.)
  • Jeffrey Ross: Edyta Sliwinska needed more than her legwarmers-and-nothing-else ensemble to salvage this cha-cha. The curse began early this year, as the stand-up comedian and Friars Club roastmaster needed a trip to the emergency room earlier Monday after getting poked in the eye during rehearsal. So, we'll just blame his scratched cornea for his lack of coordination... Yup...
    Judges said: 12 (Carrie Ann noted that it didn't look as if he was having much fun out there.)

  • Kim Kardashian The reality-TV star came down with a slight case of modelitis (symptoms: stiffness, weird look on her face, unflattering hair) but she moved alright and seems really, really excited to be there.
    Judges said: 19, a better score than most

  • Susan Lucci: More than one Daytime Emmy isn't the only thing beyond the soap star's grasp. Freakishly toned, yes, but the 62-year-old Lucci is going to have to lose the heavy-handed (or footed, in this case) approach if she wants to make it out of week two. This lady's got a lot of fans, so we think they're going to let her slide tomorrow and Wednesday.
    Judges said: 15, meaning Cloris Leachman outdanced her.

  • Misty May-Treanor: The two-time Olympic gold medalist has the good fortune to be paired with Maksim "Look at me" Chmerkovskiy, who has enough female fans on his own to buy his partner at least a few weeks. Not that May-Treanor's going to need his help—her body's slammin' and she didn't look all Monica Seles uncomfortable while dancing an elegant fox-trot.
    Judges said: 21("I have never seen anyone dance a fox-trot with such intensity," Carrie Ann observed.)

  • Warren Sapp: Just when we were thinking that the roly-poly football star did himself no favors by wearing one of Emmitt Smith's old suits, his toes started twinkling. This Super Bowl winner can move, and Kym Johnson's finally got herself a shot at the title.
    Judges said: 21("You're a great big bundle of joy!" Len exclaimed.)

So, there you have it for this week. Who do you think has a shot, and who would you like to see hang up their dancing shoes for good?

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