Heidi Klum

Kevin Winter/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
Why can't they get it right for these award shows? Every year it's just as dull as the last. Also, please tell the hosts to stop trying so hard. It's too embarrassing when it's over-the-top.

Dear Host With the Least:
That's why Ricky Gervais should host next year, no? He's got more energy (and wit) than all five hosts put together.

Dear Ted:
Don't like to generalize, but why do American stars with all the money and free everything dress so bad? Look at the Emmys (although who cares about the boring show), one after the other comes out with an awful gown. You might think I'm being unfair, but look at the stars in France, Italy, etc. Americans stars need a fashion police from Europe ASAP.

Dear Ex-Pat Fashion Patrol:
Gervais, Hugh Laurie, Heidi Klum…plenty of nominated non-Americans were visually blah-present at the ceremony, too.

Dear Ted:
I think you are too old to be "blogging" and trying to act young and fresh. You seem to be obsessed with Palin. I thought you were gay? I remember seeing you on TV a few years ago and then again more recently, you looked completely different...not a good thing—if you wanna sex change, get one! The hair plugs look great but the carrot orange skin...lay off the spray and tanning beds...we all know you are old, so, just accept it, Ted.
—Classy and Fabulous

Dear Not So Classy:
Accept what, that my wig gets you hot? Sure thing, but I'm married!

Dear Ted:
Is Matthew Fox Gore-Me Garth from One Undivorced Blind Vice? Love your column!

Dear Silver Fox:
It's not a column, it's a blolumn, and, apparently, one I'm too ripe to be writing in the first place, whatever. Guess-wise, right stardom level, wrong fox. I think M.F. is more honorable than that.

Dear Ted:
Is Gore-Me Garth Tommy Lee Jones?

Dear DOA:
No way. Garth is far less critically acclaimed, fer sure. At least for now. Looks to be changing daily.

Dear Ted:
Kindly please replace your word of retard to peabrain or D.D. (Delbert Dumbutt) or something that is decidedly less targeted to a group of people who already got the shaft in life; the mentally retarded. I love you, baby! I'm just defensive about the term since my son is high-functioning autistic. Now get a move on with some serious gossip. BTW, is Hillary Clinton Toothy Tile? Thought I'd have some fun today!

Dear PC:
Noted, but don't go too Tropic Thunder on my ass and take it with a little bit of humor (I get your point, though), just as I am with your BV guess. It's good for the chuckles, but Hil ain't your man.

Dear Ted:
Does Toothy Tile know he's Toothy Tile in your Blind Vices? I've always heard that people in celebrity camps scroll blog sites (just to make sure they're getting talked about, of course). Just wondering if his people have figured out you're talking about him.

Dear Eavesdrop:
Toothy knows, alright. That's why he loves to do his out-me mamba all across T-town.

Dear Ted:
I know you like to complain about Sarah Palin, but why is it that you are not concerned with Obama's lack of experience? Interesting that Matt Damon is upset that the V.P. candidate doesn't have any experience but he is OK with Obama running for president, and he is even more inexperienced than Palin.

Dear Open-Minded:
You should know better than to challenge me like that, dear. I printed my concern when it was O vs. Hil, but for now I'll take his lack of experience over Palin's lack of experience and gun-toting, women-and-gay-hating political views.

Dear Ted:
OK, once again the split rumors for Angie and Brad are surfacing. Any truth to them? Aside from genetics, why are these two together? I get Angie's deal, but what closet is Brad hanging in?

Dear Brange Concerned:
These two are very much together—for now. Jen has a better chance of getting married tomorrow than Angie does of ditching B while she's on bed rest with six hoodrats.

Dear Ted:
I just had gallbladder surgery, and I feel terrible. I think that a bit of gossip will help with the healing. So, Dr. Ted, tell me: Have you ever done a Blind Vice about Vince Vaughn?
—Sans Gallbladder in Georgia

Dear Swing and a Hit:
A guy who's been around the H'wood block that long? You best believe he's a B.V. vet.

Dear Ted:
It seems to me the only one who could have authorized the leaking of that voice tape is Kim Basinger. Did she consult her daughter to see if it was OK? Maybe her lawyers encouraged her as a killer strategy against Alec Baldwin. Not defending A.B. for his choice of words against his teen daughter, unfortunately parents don't realize the hurtful aftermath of what they said until others talk about how wrong and awful.

Dear Switzerland:
The only one I feel bad for in the whole mess is Ireland. Alec and Kim are very Charlie and Denise, in my book.

Dear Ted:
Is Gore-Me Garth Kevin Costner? He used to be quite a rounder.

Dear No:
GMG found his success on TV, not films.

Dear Ted:
I found your Sarah Palin bits on the last two Truth, Lies & Teds so refreshing! I find the people worshipping and idolizing her so scary. It'd be hilarious like a Disney movie if it weren't so effing scary at the prospect of her being president. Vladimir Putin must be hoping she'll be president so that he can do diplomatic circles around her.

Dear Truthfully Ticked:
Then rock that vote, sweetheart!

Dear Ted:
You mention that Colin Farrell has been in a "family twister" Blind Vice and that Toothy Tile is "less brawny in real life." You also have said that there is a Baby Tile, and Colin has a kid, does he not? Is he Toothy?
—AJ in Columbus

Dear Jigsaw Jumbler:
It sounds good on paper. But in reality, C.F. is as hetero and horny as they come.

Dear Ted:
Are the And It Ain't choices (1) always (2) sometimes or (3) never themselves the subjects of other Blind Vices?

Dear Multiple Fess:
There is a golden ding showering you behind Door No. 2, darling!

Dear Ted:
As much as I wish Toothy Tile was in actuality Sarah Palin's husband, I have convinced myself it is Hugh Jackman. Yay or Nay?

Dear Wishful Thinking:
Nay. Almost, but not quite.

—With additional sass by Taryn Ryder and Becky Bain

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