Victoria Beckham, Alec Baldwin

AP Photo/Peter Kramer, Eric Charbonneau/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
Normally I would write off the inference about Posh's motivation for a new 'do, but you have a preternatural gift about such things. So, I'm curious...Is Posh's new 'do akin to the stripper pole Kate Hudson had installed before she began her love 'em and leave 'em world tour? Or is the cut more on par with Madonna's chameleon-like style evolution, as in a desperate way to remain press worthy?
—Kiki, Louisville, Ky.

Dear Hair-raising Changes:

Dear Ted:
I agree, neither presidential candidate is talking about the issues. Both of them are too busy blaming the other for something. I totally agree with you on that, but the comment about Palin liking animals tortured, gimme a break. She hunts. Big deal. Next time you bite into a piece of chicken, fish or beef, remember someone had to kill it for you. Is that torture? Unless you are a vegetarian, I suggest you think twice about those types of comments.

Dear Nice Try:
I highly doubt my local butcher poses in full makeup, gleaming next to her freshly killed animals. It's a question of pleasure versus necessity.

Dear Ted:
Has your opinion of A. Baldwin changed because of your marriage? You always seemed to have a crush on him before.

Dear Good Question:
Yes, but marriage had nothing to do with it. A.B.'s unrelenting and abusive tirade against his daughter, Ireland, is what changed things.

Dear Ted:
I think you are lovely and amazing. But why must you tease us so with the ongoing saga of Toothy Tile? Must we guess every actor in Hollywood until you have eliminated all but one? Since the answer is probably yes, I'll contribute a guess: Milo Ventimiglia. He went out with Alexis Bledel, and who better fits the description of "superannoyingly perfect" than the younger Gilmore? And Tile could be a contraction of "Twenty Miles," which his surname translates to. Alexis, Hayden P....With his tastes in beards, one could say Toothy has led astray the good girl, no?
—Jane, Australia

Dear S&M Wannabe:
Because torture is so delicious. And no on Milo, think even more famous a player.

Dear Ted:
Has Toothy curbed the public nooky sessions? Also, do his parents know he's gay?

Dear Det. Debauched:
Yes and yes.

Dear Ted:
The Ivy...Is the food that great? Can you find us a menu? I would love to see what those A-listers are eating, if that's what you call it. Have you eaten there? Most importantly, if I went there would I be let in?

Dear Nonpoisonous Ivy:
The food's worth a fancy night out, fer sure—but for celebs who always dine in top-notch eateries, they go for the exposure, not the entrées. And a reservation should get ya through the door, just don't expect the papp-friendly patio view.

Dear Ted:
Why are you so cynical about Lindsay and Samantha's relationship? Some relationships don't always have ulterior motives attached.

Dear LiLo's History:
We're more flabbergasted that Sam's dumb enough to ignore L2's past guy hopping. Old habits die hard.

Dear Ted:
What is up with Posh and J.Lo arriving hand in hand at Fashion Week! That was ridiculous—and was the hand holding really necessary for these middle-aged mothers? I absolutely loved Posh's new hairstyle, and both women looked fabulous, but advertising their new "friendship" reeked of BS! I wonder why Katie Holmes wasn't invited? Maybe they didn't want to talk Scientology that night. Hey, I'm warming to the new format, and the yellow background is delicious!

Dear Best Fashion Forever:
Their pal PR parade worked—you certainly noticed. And K.H. wasn't in on the fashion fun 'cause she was too busy rehearsing her B'way play. And she doesn't really have friends.

Dear Ted:
In your photo, your right arm is holding up your face. Are you real tired or what?

Dear Face Forward:
No, it's just that my last face lift is falling, that's all.

Dear Ted:
Paris Hilton
's a racist! Here's the proof.

Dear Bad Cop/Bad Cop:
Wouldn't exactly call that proof, but why stop there? She's also borderline anti-gay.

Dear Ted:
I love your column and I think the new layout is A-OK. Hot gossip by any other layout is still hot gossip, right? Anyway, I have a question: If you find out some totally tasty goss on one of the few people in this town you actually respect, do you print it? I'm sure you find out some things that can be totally heartbreaking to you, as some of these things are to the rest of us!

Dear to Tell the Truth:
Already have. Heartbreaking, yes, but newsworthy nonetheless. Good thing there ain't a lot of respectable people in H'wood.

Dear Ted:
I want ask you why Brad and Angelina hide their biological daughter Shiloh? We see them with the adopted kids everywhere, but Shiloh is rarely seen out with them.

Dear Shunning Shiloh:
It's Angie who's been more in hiding lately than any of her kids.

Dear Ted:
I noticed they have T-shirts for sale for The Soup and was wondering, do you have Awful Truth T-shirts? If you don't, I would like to see one in white with a picture of you on the pony you send in the email newsletters. I laugh every time I see that. Just a thought.
—Rebel Yell

Dear Great Idea:
Look out for "Team Awful" tees at Kitson, fer sure.

Dear Ted:
Are Audrina Patridge's teeth real or veneers? Can real teeth really be that big and long?

Dear Adding to Audrina:
I doubt anything about this babe is au naturel.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

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