Lance Armstrong

Jean Baptiste Lacroix/Getty Images, Paul Fenton/ZUMAPress.com

Lance Armstrong is heading back to the source of his fame—the Tour de France. Lancie-pants said, via his website, Livestrong.com, that he'll be returning to the race "in order to raise awareness of the global cancer burden."

Who does Lance-love think he is, Jay-Z? All these celebs coming in and out of retirement are ruining the definition of the word.

But anyway, it's a great cause and all, cheers to the Arm-ster for that. But we're wondering if L-hon's return has less to do with curing cancer and more to do with being bored, now that he's running out of starlets to date while he's biding time before gunning for office? Trust, that one's comin' on down the line. Governor Palin has nothin' on the press hoopla Gov. Armstrong would create, getting the pundits to posture in overdrive, we kid you not. Just wonder if it's the great states of California or Texas Mr. A has his humpy heart set on. I predict the latter, but he'd get better tabloid mileage outta the former, 'course.

Where's he a resident, anyway? Doesn't the dude have houses everywhere, including a trailer somewhere deep inside Matthew McConaughey's butt?

Now, babe-wise, swooning Kate Hudson musta been a full-time job, and attending swanky T-town events and such in your downtime can sure fill up the hours you used to spend cycling. So hopefully the formally down-to-earth guy's realized he's just a good guy on a bike who might one day be fairly accomplished at kissing babies, not just babes, less so some sports star whose main priority in life is bedding H'wood hotties. There are better douches out there doing just that, Lance, we assure you.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

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