Britney Spears, Rihanna

Frank Micelotta/Getty Images for MTV;

Dear Ted:
Was it just me or did the VMA's royally suck? Brit still looked very deer in the headlights, Rihanna looked like she had toilet paper hanging off her butt through her performance and all the digs at Republicans were really unnecessary. I am from Delaware, so despite thinking Obama is unqualified at this stage in his career, I would never pass up an opportunity to vote Biden, but honestly arriving in a car plastered with Obama '08 and using a McCain look-alike as a driver is in poor taste. I personally find the idea that anyone who doesn't want to vote for Obama must be a racist ridiculous.
Leah, Delaware

Dear VMA Hangover:
Couldn't agree more about your thoughts on the show, babe. Am I sexist 'cause I'm not voting for Palin's ticket?

Dear Ted:
I have read all your Toothy Tile items and I know who he is. My guess, and I know no one has guessed, is Channing Tatum. He has to be. I also want to throw in Emile Hirsch and Chris Evans just in case.

Dear Three in One:
What's Baby Tile, chopped gossip? Negative on all three, but right age group.

Dear Ted:
I'd just like to comment on your recent "Tom Green's a Turd" Morning Piss. Obviously, you don't seem to get what Tom is really up to nowadays. Right now, Tom is revolutionizing online broadcasting with his talk show, Tom Green's House Tonight, that is currently running on the Canadian Comedy Network. Basically, it's the most unique talk show of its kind and allows fans to talk/interact live with Tom and his celebrity guests via Skype or telephone. The great thing about this is that it all comes straight from Tom's living-room-turned-broadcast-studio. Sure, Tom will occasionally go to his wacky self from years past every now and then, but mostly he's running a quite different program. He ain't doing the same old shtick as you may think. You can take a look for yourself at his website to see what I'm talking about. I'm just telling you all this so that you'll acknowledge that he isn't doing the same old stuff he'd been doing back in 2001.

Dear Mediator:
Consider it acknowledged. And thanks for a reply that didn't call for the ripping apart of my head or the lampooning of my sexuality, as most of Tommy's other fans seem to desire (what a truly lovely fan base to possess, huh?). I just didn't like the stand-up he did at Spaceland, but obviously, I'm into any kind of Internet endeavor, so congrats, Tommy!

Dear Ted:
I have two guesses for Sheila Muff-Driver: Kim Basinger (Oscar Winner) and Pamela Anderson (ever anything Oscar?).

Dear Wrong Turn:
Someone's been skipping out on their A.T., as we gave this one away a while ago.

Dear Ted:
You are always mentioning how Jennifer Garner isn't exactly the friendliest or nicest gal in Hollywood. What's the deal with her?

Dear Jenfused:
She goes through moods like she goes through men.

Dear Ted:
Kudos on that article about Palin just being on of the "good ol' boys." Her supporters should look into her record more closely. This gal is not who she says she is. They can start by having her explain why she favors drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, why she does not believe the ice melts are due to global warming and why she left that small town of Wasilla with a $20 mil budget deficit—the list just goes on and on. She has a reputation for being ruthless with those who don't support her. The fact that she is—just as you said—pro-war, pro-guns, pro-life even if the woman is a young teenage girl who was raped and anti-environment is downright scary. Let's face it; this woman is anti-education and anti-human rights.
Geo, Mass.

Dear Tell It Like It Is:
And I'm labeled as a bitchy Liberal. Touché!

Dear Ted:
I cannot get enough of you! Whew, I just made myself blush. Anyway, when are you getting your own show? I love watching you because you're witty, informative and fun.

Dear Little to the Right:
Do have one, it's called Truth, Lies & Ted!

Dear Ted:
The MTV Awards has got to be fixed.

Dear No S--t:
You mean Brit-Brit didn't have the best video this year?

Dear Ted:
My biggest problem with your boy Obama is that he completely ignores his half-whiteness and is only campaigning on his half-blackness. Shouldn't he of all people be trying to campaign without color?
Confused by the biracial guy behind the curtain

Dear Half-and-Half:
Maybe he identifies more with one over the other. I mean, I've slept with women before.

Dear Ted:
How dare you insult Michael Jackson on his birthday like that! If it wasn't for celebs like Michael you wouldn't have a job because there would be nothing to talk about! So instead of being bitter about something you have no control over, find something better to talk about and if you have nothing nice to say about Michael. Just shut up!

Dear Get Real:
It's also my job to report when ya'll forget extremely messy merde like his little-boy indiscretions.

—Additional sass by Taryn Ryder

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