Kara DioGuardi, Paula Abdul

Matthew Simmons/WireImage, Paul Fenton-KPA/ZUMA Press

The Next Paula: The judging juggernaut that is American Idol is getting some new blood next season, thank gawd, with singer/songwriter Kara DioGuardi, who is to the music biz what Paris Hilton is to restrooms and table tops (i.e., she's been around).

As K.D.'s written and produced pop tunes for just about everyone in the music biz, guess she's at least professionally qualified. But is she bitch-ready? If she isn't, let's just call the whole damn thing off now.

'Course Paula, we're guessin, is pissed enough to making our her own lists right about now. Paul-hon's gotta be less than thrilled she's no longer the lone token female, and Ab-doll's status as a relevant musical name will be even more dated compared with someone currently succeeding in the poppy game, all the while off meds. Look for tons of new (sober?) catfights come January...can't wait!

Lance Dance: Lance Bass was announced as one of the contestants on Dancing With the Stars, but instead of Lancie-pants tangoing with another man (as was rumored), L.B. will be paired up with a woman, Lacey Schwimmer. Why not have a same-sex pairing on the ballroom competish? Gay couples like to swing and salsa, too (we don't know any of them, but surely, they must exist). Or do we need Ellen and Portia to do it in the public eye first until everyone catches on? This is so friggin' lame, though. It's like Will & Grace never existed.

A. Dick: Prosecutors say that No. 1 lurk Andy Dick won't be charged with sexual battery. In case you forgot what happened and learned to erase the Amy Winehouse-like mug shot out of your brain, A.D. was arrested last month on battery and drug possession charges. We aren't peeved because this panty raider/shirt puller downer is back on the streets, oh no. Looks like Dick's street cred is kaput. Dude needed that charge and added infamy to revive any hopeful career. Now he's just pathetic instead of broodingly troubled. What a waste.

So Much for Redeeming Herself: Current scuttlebutt (trust, these things change faster than Britney orders tacos and comebacks) is that Brit's not performing at the VMA's, sad news after a few weeks of goss mumblings that B-babe would strike the stage again to reclaim her pop-performance throne with better moves (and a more flattering outfit). There goes any chance whatsoever of the show being interesting. Unless, of course, Simon and Kara show up to present.

—With additional English-screwin' reporting by Becky Bain and Taryn Ryder

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