Blind Vice

So, Porta-Potbelly hit it big. In every way. Dude's not only got debatable mirthful acting abilities, but a frame that's rather oversized, not exactly the prettiest pic in Hollywood, an enclave built almost entirely around how you look. So, P.P. can be forgiven, one supposes, if he hits clubs and parties and chooses to let his fame do the seducing, as Size-0 God knows, P.P. wouldn't stand a chance in Hades with these glittering gaga chicks were he not famous. Just like with the rockers, ya know, same principle precisely. (And if you don't believe me here, just look at the ugly-butt who's the latest entry into the Paris Hilton School of Sex Tapes, Mini-Me Verne Troyer.)

And there P2 is, hitting up dive bar after dive bar in H-town, with his almost-equally famous dork-butt amigo. Porta moves right in on three chicks he desires to have directly beneath his quivering, jiggly flesh—only problem, he can't decide which one! Perhaps this is why Porta pulls out the blow, to help him hone a plan, who the ef knows. Or maybe it's to impress the babes, who, trust, are already majorly taken with the Big Star.

Porta's clearly a man who's new to ruling this kind of scenester debauchery, as he broke Rules No. 1 (Let them come to you), No. 2 (Do your blow in the stall, just like the rest of T-town does), and, most importantly, No. 3 (Seduce and select them all, not just one, you dimwit). And like the horny moron he is, Mr. Potbelly wiped his schnoz, told the one babe he preferred to move it—and back to his chic, artist-like Hell-Ay residence they hightailed it.

Uh, what I want to know is why the hell these babes do it. Is possibly getting smothered by an arguably gifted ape with a most challenging coiffure really worth the 15 minutes of infamy it's going to afford you? Nevermind, ladies, I already know the answer. Forgive me for even asking, that was the dumberest thing I've done all week.

And it ain't:
Tyler Perry

Glenn Weiner/

Brandon Davis

Dimitrios Kambouris/

Jorge Garcia

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMA Press

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