Oh, great. Yet another Lohan family scandal. Is this what happens when you're from Long Island? How else do you explain (I mean, Rosie O'Donnell's getting her share of scuttlebutt, too, right now, ya know)? Plus, the bitches are back: It's mailbag day!

Lindsay Lohan

INFPhoto.com

As discussed too much already, 'course, looks like there may be another Lohan lady on the loose—guess the first two just weren't enough; a third one had to appear outta thin air. Daddy Mike apparently bedded a woman named Kristi Kaufmann 13 years ago—that's the lifetime of Ali, plus some change—which resulted in a baby girl, Ashley. I hope for her sake firecrotches aren't hereditary. Apparently Ash is an aspiring singer, says her mom, whose timing for finally finding her daughter's father is awfully choice, isn't it? Who cares about a dad until ya see there's some cash and connections to be made by a reconciliation?

Samantha Ronson

Mark Von Holden/WireImage.com

M.L. claims the kid's not his, but a paternity test will clear this whole mess up—someone page Maury Povich. We know nobody in this fam can do anything without a camera and an audience around. Ya sure ya wanna attach yourself to the Lohan name, Ashley? Sure, it opens a whole lotta doors, but they mostly lead to jail, nightclubs or rehab. You're probably better off being raised by wolves. Or having Samantha Ronson as your sole guardian.

 

We're still waiting for a word back from LiLo's reps on Hickeygate: Was the redhead responsible for those purposefully, publicly displayed love bites on SamRon's neck while the two vacayed throughout gay Pare-ree? Ya think if it weren't Linds, a simple "no" would suffice. In any case, femme neck is still a better choice than guzzling vodka down your trap.

Paris Hilton

Stefan/INFDaily.com

The whole alleged-relationship mystery is starting to wear thin on us—it's about time for Lindsay to hole up with another androgynous-esque pal, maybe have her own BFF reality show à la Paris. In fact, why doesn't L2 apply for the gig? They surely have enough shared history. Or are there no more Madden brothers left to hand out?

Jake Gyllenhaal

Jesse Grant/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Are you ready to concede defeat on Jake yet? Or do you wish to add further embarrassment to yourself? Hello! has a story about Reese and Jake cohabitating. Everyone's lying though, right? Everyone but you. For a "showmance" they sure spend a lot of time together out of the public view. Get a clue, buddy, and stop spreading lies about people.
 
Ellen
 
Chicago

Dear Gyllenblind:
Hello!, the record of who's really diddling whom in this town? Give me a break.

Dear Ted:
I've got a burning question? Why are you wearing your underwear on Truth Lies & Ted? OK, you're gay, we get it. That doesn't mean you have to be offensive. You're a nice lookin' man. Get over it. We accept you already. Ugh.
 Barbi
 Woodland Hills, Calif.

Dear Burning Loins:
See The Love Guru? 'Twas a spoof, babe. Straights do it, too, in case you haven't seen myriad hairy hets such as Will Ferrell in his Skivvies. Not everything's about sexuality, even nooky-obsessed moi knows that.

Jennifer Garner, Ben Affleck

Avik Gilboa/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Why would Jennifer Garner be dumping Ben? Seems to me she only dumps guys when she's got another one waiting in the wings. I personally don't buy her sweet-girl persona. Unless Ben is up to his old tricks? I don't care what their reps say. I think it's only a matter of time.
 Heather
 Chicago

Dear Going, Going Garner:
We don't buy this goody-two-shoes image, either. Of him or her. Only one innocent in this supposed blissful union is Violet.

Dear Ted:
Your show is so stupid that it makes the word stupid seem bright and witty in comparison. Who takes credit for this sludge you pour into the airwaves? You should be sanctioned and never allowed to write with anything again.
 Jose Rico
 Hayward, Calif.

Dear No Way, Jose:
Think I could get a writing job for The Hills, then?

Dear Ted:
Here's my take on gay Hollywood: If only one gay A-list couple would come out and have a public affair, have a row in public, break up, get back together, go furniture shopping in public, get married, adopt a cute baby and get a divorce—i.e. act like a straight Hollywood couple—they would sell just as many magazines. If Hollywood execs saw that gay people can bring in money, they wouldn't be afraid of casting them.
 
Idun
 
Copenhagen

Dear One Sex Fits All:
Wish it were that simple. T.R. Knight and his boy toy are happy to be seen hand in hand for all the paps, but do ya see him scoring any leading man movie roles?

Brad Pitt

Bob Mahoney/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Way to stick it to the trashy rag US Weekly! They are one of the most inaccurate (not to mention gag-worthy)! And I also just spotted a little ditty on TMZ about how E! Online ran a story that Ben and Jen were breaking up but it's "apparently not true." As you said, only time will tell, but it's all sounding very reminiscent of Brad & Jen...Wouldn't you agree?
 Amy
 Novato, Calif.

Dear B&J Take 2:
The Jennifer's of the Hollywood world can't catch a break, can they? Wonder how Jennifer Beals' love life is going...

Jennifer Aniston

Art Seitz/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
When you said Ben Affleck's marriage might be on the rocks, my first thought was that he should hook up with Jennifer Aniston next. He'd never be caught calling her by an ex's name. Then I wondered whom you'd fix Jennifer up with, since her latest won't be her longest. You know these people so well, you should start a dating service!
 Karen
 Brentwood, Tenn.

Dear Fixer-Upper:
Jen needs someone closer to her age (and maturity) than John Mayer, an A-list amour but less buff than Brad...how about Vince Vaughn? Oh, right.

Dear Ted:
Where did you hear that Jen and Ben might be on the rocks? No! They seem like one of the few "normal" couples in H'wood! Please say this bit of gossip is merely that—nasty gossip. Caught your show, and you are gorgeous! Jon is a lucky guy. Almost makes me wish I were a gay guy.
 Valerie
 Yuma, Ariz.

Dear Bennifer Babe:
Only time will tell darlin'. I hope these two kids will work through it. And thanks for the compliments, hon, and Jon's probably masochistic more than lucky, but that's just my opinion.

The Hulk

Universal Studios

Dear Ted:
I think Public Thrust in "One PDA Pooftah Blind Vice" is Edward Norton—your "huge" clue would tie right into The Hulk. Or is he out of the closet and I just didn't know it?
 JoAnn
 Houston

Dear Green Guessin':
Eddie dated Salma Hayek for a while, and even a fey man would sway straight after bedding that babe. Ain't him. Think less trophy-worthy roles for P.T.

Dear Ted:
I don't claim to have the strongest gaydar around, but if I saw you on the street here in beautiful Burlington, I'd not think you were gay. Look at you with the power saw!
 Fiona
 Burlington, Vt.

Dear Princess Fiona:
Uh, thanks, but indeed, your gaydar is whacked. Don't come to H'wood, dollface, or you're poor little heart just might break.

Heidi Montag

Dear Ted:
I am utterly baffled by why I keep reading "news" about Heidi and Spencer. Does anybody care about them or what they do? If journalists and gossip columnists would just stop writing about them (sadly, including you), I really do not think people would give another thought about them.
 Meg
 Chicago

Dear Speidnasty:
You're just as guilty posing questions about this dumb duo.

Mike Myers

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Love the column, darlin'. Happy nuptials and all that. Could Fart-Coif Cretin from "One Stalled in Every Way Blind Vice" be Mike Myers?
 Heather
 Riverside, Calif.

Dear Little Too Cocky:
It ain't the villain from the Halloween movies (tho we wish it was). And it ain't the Love Guru guy, either. Think far less commercial.

Dear Ted:
Is Fart-Coif Cretin Jim Carrey? He seems to fit the profile...it has to be! Also love your column, highlight of the day.
 Marti
 Wellington, New Zealand

Dear Carrey'd Away:
J.C.'s happily attached to his blond babe, Jenny, as well as to her son. And our guy's nowhere near the $20-mil-a-movie range.

300

Warner Bros Entertainment

Dear Ted:
Why do you keep writing about the same stuff that other magazines already wrote about? You should be on top of everybody else...still love you, but you are slipping.
P.S.: Don't you have something about Gerard Butler, that you want to share with us?
 Gina
 San Francisco

Dear Breaking Noose:
Did ya ever think it's all the rag mags that copy me? And we recently reported about some of Butler's failed ways hitting on the ladies...not exactly the catch ya think he is.

Dear Ted:
Gotta tell you how much I love Truth Lies & Ted. It's great to hear you deliver your saucy lines in person. Only problem is there is no pause button. Girl can get in trouble at work when the boss walks in! Thanks for the dish!
 Donna
 Brandon, Manitoba, Canada

Dear Sly Gal:
Just click the box to pause and then again to start back up, sweetie, no worries. And thanks!

Justin Timberlake

2007 Nickelodeon

Dear Ted:
Is Public Thrust Justin Timberlake by any chance? He seems to be the one everyone is talking about with regard to size, of late.
 Tabby
 Rehoboth Beach, Del. 

Dear Timberbone:
P.T. ain't J.T. Justy's not scared of any gay-type roles—he was in a boy band, remember.

Dear Ted:
Trent from Pink Is the New Blog is great, but please tell me you're familiar with Michael K. from DListed.com? Absolute hilarity.
 Erin
 East Lansing, Mich.

Dear D-Lighted:
Sure we have—one of our fave daily bitch-barkers on the web. When Mikey K.'s site throws a Hell-Ay bash, you bet we'll be there.

Angelina Jolie

Jean Baptiste Lacroix/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Do you ever bother to check your sources? Billy Bob never made those statements about Angelina and Brad. Churchill was right—a lie can get halfway around the world before the truth gets a chance to put its pants on.
 Cynthia
 Los Angeles

Dear Undressed Truths:
We're still prone to believe the ears that were there to hear B2T's superspecific sayings on his Angie ex, as opposed to his after-the-fact spin-doctoring on the sitch.

Dear Ted:
If Toothy Tile and Public Thrust want to be caught so badly, why don't they just come out already?
 Cheryl
 Atlanta

Dear Dental Work:
If it's voluntary, then they can't deny anything if they change their minds.

Zac Efron

Rena Durham/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Public Thrust has to be Zac Efron. His faux-mance with Vanessa Hudgens is quite laughable! Am I right?
 Angelique
 Chicago

Dear Prom Queen:
Right age range, wrong teen-throb.

Shia LaBeouf

Jeff Vespa/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
My guess for Public Thrust—Shia LaBeouf? And also, if these same-sex-loving celebs are making their personal choices so public, why aren't y'all allowed to talk about it? Look at all the other celebs who have come out, and they're still fabulous!
 Cathy
  Texas

Dear Out and About:
Yeah, fabulous and broke. Shia LaBabe's smoking is about as scandalous as this guy gets (for now)—but S.B. is sorta the same type as Pub Thrust. And some celebs don't want to make their sexuality the numero uno part of their persona everybody sees.

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