Before we get to some very painful choices that you, our dear, dirty-minded readers must make today, let's check in all things inexplicable. Yes, that means we've got surreptitious dish on all things Simpson, Kidman and Ciccone! Dig in!
Simon Cowell

A. Rapoport/FOX

Love how the L.A. Times decides to ram women for their plastic surgery selections right after we did the same taking Simon Cowell to task for picking on poor Carly and Ramiele’s appearances while letting sacred scalpel cow Dolly Parton off diss-free. That’s pretty effed up. And apparently, so, too, thinks the venerable Times, as it's choosing to weigh in now, as well, on women like Priscilla Presley and how they inject/tuck themselves into unrecognizable contortions. We hear the copycat paper’s also working on a piece on closeted male movie stars. What’s the byline going to be, Toothy Tile?
Jason Beghe

ABC

Undercover minded, as well, would be Jason Beghe a consistently working TV actor who’s made guest appearances in everything from Quantum Leap to Melrose Place to the short-lived, sugar-substituting-
for-another-white-powder drama Cane. But he’s finally stepped into the spotlight as the first T-town type who's gone into the mysterious cave of Scientology and managed to crawl back out. And damn if he hasn’t one-upped Andrew Morton's bashing of the supersecret religion by skipping a book altogether and going straight to YouTube, the lazy genius’ medium of choice.
J.B.’s interview starts right at the jugular: “Scientology is destructive...and a rip-off.” Of course money is all over this mess—ya don’t see many strapped-for-cash folks at the Celebrity Center, fer sure. The brave Beghe continues: “If Scientology is real, then something’s f--ked up, 'cause it’s not delivering what it promised.” I didn’t think most religions made surefire guarantees while you’re still alive. Mostly 'cause ya can’t promise happiness in real life—no wonder the dude’s disenchanted with the whole thing. Think Scientology has a return policy or a complaint department for unsatisfied customers, er, followers? Hope Jase got himself a nice vacation home to hide in before the full-length interview gets unleashed on the Internets.
Nicole Kidman

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

And what happened to Andy Morton, anyway? He seems to have taken a trip down Long-Lost Alley...just like those paps who were chasing Nic Kidman before they met their dastardly fates. What’s going on with silencing the surreptitious these days, eh?

You go, Jason! Don’t let ‘em ef with ya!

Ashlee Simpson

Barry Brecheisen/WireImage.com

Ashlee Simpson can’t stop outdoing her big sis. Jessica gets a reality show, so Ash gets her own reality show. Next she gets the hit album, ditches the baby fat, trades in her old nose for a newer model and becomes the go-to Simpson sister. She even has a more embarrassing public snafu with her SNL lip-synching fiasco (take that “is this chicken or fish?”). Sure, Jess was first to get hitched to a guy in the music Biz, but Ash is the one who found (and kept) a guy with some actual credibility. And now it looks like A.S. might be the first daughter to make Joe a grandpa—even though reps and campers all around (with Ash and her fiancé, Pete Wentz) deny the baby blabber. Perhaps the best shooting down of this preggers biz would be with the help of our very own ears ‘n’ eyes. And they did run into Ms. Simpson at the Kids' Choice Awards two weeks ago, looking as voluptuous as a pool cue. Can’t a celeb get engaged without being forced to by unplanned spawning? Guess not...looks like stars really are like us.
But then, on the other womb, don’t forget Nic Kidman looks about as pregnant as the Jonas Brothers, and she’s supposedly going to drop sometime soon...so who the hell knows with this celeb procreation stuff.
Britney Spears, Adnan Ghalib

Fame Pictures, Inc

‘Member when it was “confirmed” that retired photomonger Adnan Gahlib knocked up Britney? Bless the high heavens that never came to pass—fingers crossed that the Pete and Ash preg rumors are as solid as that story. And now that Adnan’s been eighty-sixed from Spears society, he’s still managed to keep his name in print by getting stabbed. Talk about a Desperate Dolores! Just have lunch at the Ivy, Ad-hon, like every other attention missy in H'wood. The knife-happy hoodlums who attacked A.G. haven’t been found yet, but seriously, who wouldn’t want to stab Adnan, or at least throw rotten vegetables at him? Every human being on earth is a possible suspect.
You guys sure took the last installment of our celeb-centered Dirty Quandry super seriously—like life would really force you to pick between Jessica's or Ashlee’s careers. Chances are, as kooky and mismanaged as those Simpson sisses are, you’ll never be given the option of either gal’s gigs. Doesn’t mean ya can’t play dumb and pretend, right? Here’s a fresh new batch of debatable decisions hopefully no one will ever have to make in real life. Put on your thinkin’ bikinis and choose a side! So would you rather...
Chace Crawford, Gossip Girl

Eric Liebowitz /The CW

• Get dumped via text message the way  Carrie Underwood did to Chace Crawford, or have it announced on television like Matt Damon supposedly did to Minnie Driver on Oprah?
Pete Wentz

John Sciulli/WireImage.com

• Have as your PTA meeting leader: Pregnant Man or Pete Wentz?
Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag

Donato Sardella/WireImage.com

• Have Heidi Montag be your biggest celebrity endorsement, or have Spencer Pratt as your political adviser?
Paris Hilton

Josephine Santos, PacificCoastNews.com

• Be Paris Hilton’s best friend or sworn enemy?
Teri Hatcher

Jesse Grant/WireImage.com

• Hear Teri Hatcher sing or watch Teri Hatcher eat?
Lindsay Lohan

Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com

• Be Lindsay's leggings (overused) or Britney’s bra (never used)?
Tori Spelling

Albert L. Ortega/WireImage.com

• Have Tori Spelling or Sally Kirkland marry you?
Ted Casablanca, Margo
Dear Ted:
I take offense with you calling rottweilers "ugly ass"! I have a rottweiler at home (indoors, no cage or leash). Treat them well and they are the sweetest. Cute, too, with the wide forehead, short snout and big build. You wouldn't feel good if someone called your Margo "ugly ass."
  Tina
  Manila, Philippines
Dear Killer:
You just keep on with your rottweilers-are-darling campaign, dear. Maybe Imelda Marcos is listening.
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