From the Manhattan mouthings about Kate Hudson  and Owen Wilson to those unpredictable reader rantings on everything from TomKat to Timberlake, boyfriends, do we have (almost all) badmouth biz for you!
Owen Wilson, Kate Hudson

Kevin Mazur/

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson (or the Butterscotch Stallion, as Defamer lovingly refers to him) are certainly no longer undercover lovers. Yes, these two flaxen-haired hons have been seen smoochin' all over New Yawk, where Kate recently celebrated her 28th birthday with Owen by her side. Love it!

So, now that they're finally steppin' out, arm in arm, it should really be no surprise that the rumors are already flying. I ain't talking about the little white wedding chapel ones, either. More like bun in the oven, baby on board stuff, say certain peeps.

"Kate looked pregnant," insists an East Village eyewitness. "Definite belly and some boobage. Her shirt was the flowy kind, but tight around the abdomen and low-cut enough to see cleavage, which she doesn't usually have."

Hey, now, hold your hormonal horses, everybody! It could just be a good push-up bra and a few extra beers they're buzzing about, right?

Although I do find it a bit odd that her and Owen are back on all the sudden...whassup you blondie babes?

Just asking, which, 'course, is my job, so lay off, politically correct womb police, 'kay? Now, on to some types who are simply pregnant with pissiness:

Dear Ted:
Would you please post more stuff from your Desk DeeCee? I find the info extremely valuable, certainly with things going on like a federal database of prescription drugs you've bought.
  San Jose, California
Dear Bothered by Big Bro:
If the feds really have a list of prescription pills peeps have popped, that's beyond creepy. Anna Nicole's list alone prolly takes up serious government space, right?
Jessica Alba

Albert L. Ortega/

Dear Ted:
Missed Missy,, Tom Cruise asked Kate Hudson before he asked Katie Holmes? Prolly why he calls her Kate now. And I always thought Jessica Alba was his first choice. What was I thinkin', dude?

P.S. You are smart and funny; can't remember the last guy who created a new language; think it was Danny Webster, maybe.

  Springfield, Illinois
Dear Detective Dollface:
Thanks for the fab props, hon, but you're way off with your Blind Vice ventures. The guy Virginal Vamp was considering was most def not Tommy C. Think less crazy, more low-key and even cuter.
Don Imus

Dan Herrick/

Dear Ted:
Oh, please—Don Imus got canned because his sponsors pulled out. No sponsors jumped ship on Grey's or ABC because of Isaiah Washington's outburst. Please do not advance the dialogue on who has it worse: gays, blacks or women. It is a silly, self-defeating conversation.
Dear Says Who:
Dialogue and discussion about intolerance is crucial to changing it.
Laura Bush, George Bush

Eric Draper/White House/

Dear Ted:
I have been a faithful reader for many years now. I always enjoy your gossip even when I don't agree with your politics. You are entitled to your opinion and I respect that, but your reporting on problems with Pres. Bush's marriage has saddened me. If you simply reported the gossip, fine, but your wording seems to show you are delighting in their marital problems.
  Chandler, Arizona
Dear Point Taken:
Not trying to celebrate a couple's possible demise, just find it a tad ironic that reportedly not even the loyal wife-unit can put up with Dubya's dubious doings these days.
Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhaal

Paul Fenton/, Digitalprofile/

Dear Ted:
Is Jake Gyllenhaal going to break Reese Witherspoon's heart?
Dear Doubtful:
Why ever do you ask, crumb-hon?
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama

Brian Ach/, Paul Fenton/

Dear Ted:
I agree with your Desk DeeCee. Well, at least as far as it being neither Clinton nor Obama for president. She is too abrasive/divisive for people in the middle of the country, and he is too untested.
Dear Barbara Bush:
Getting bored ordering from L.L.Bean, are you?
Connie Chung

jamie McCarthy/

Dear Ted:
Ted, is Teri-Fairy Terrible from One Prime-Time Pissy Blind Vice Connie Chung? Right age, dark hair and probably not as nice as she seems on air.
  Clearwater, Florida
Dear Det. Dimples:
Connie's cool grin may be sweet, but not even that babe's bitchin' off-camera ways are as sour as the real T.-F.T.'s. Right age-group, wrong everything else.
Pete Wentz

George Pimentel/

Dear Ted:
Thanks for raising the Q on whether we think Pete Wentz is attractive. I just don't get it! He's not a hideous troll or anything, but I wouldn't look twice at him if I passed him in the street.
  Charleston, South Carolina
Dear I Hear Ya:
I know, right? Maybe it's the whole lyricist thang that's got Ashlee and Kate's black panties in a twist.
Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johansson

Jeff Vespa/, kevin Mazur/

Dear Ted:
Is it possible Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Biel are actually one and the same person? Not only do they date the same dudes, but I recently saw side-by-side pics where they could have been twins, one of whom bleached her hair to a crisp. I'm thinking Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines #2.
  Akron, Ohio
Dear Do-Me Doppelgängers:
It's true that these two byoot babes do share more than just boys with rockin' bods (Justin Timberlake and Ryan Reynolds in par-tick). But c'mon, H-town in the peeyem is more incestuous than Woody Allen's house. These sex-ay singles are just havin' some fun.
Mandy Moore

Kevin Mazur/

Dear Ted:
Is Virginal Vamp Mandy Moore?
Dear So No:
Nah, little Ms. Mandycakes was never on the g-friend list for the bachelor in question, trust. Seems that he prefers blondes for his beards, if that helps.
Justin Timberlake

2007 Nickelodeon

Dear Ted:
Thanks for taking a potshot at Justin Timberlake. His success as a singer, sex symbol and style setter simply amazes me. He's an unattractive Michael Jackson impersonator. And now he has an attitude? Please.
  Washington, D.C.
Dear Ted:
So, I just read that you called Justin Timberlake "a frizzy-haired breast fondler." I'm not exactly saying I disagree, but what gives? One day you can't say anything wrong 'bout the guy, and the next he's just another punk.
Dear Outta Sync 'n' Such:
J.T.'s recent interviews proved his ego has swelled to enormously unattractive proportions. I'd like to know where his reps were during those sit-downs. Love his latest music, but gotta say, this supersize 'tude is so not sexy. I'd almost prefer his old fro over this huge, swollen head of his lately. Bring humble back!
Rose McGowan

Jerome Ware/

Dear Ted:
Some Rose McGowan info: When she was in Austin last summer, she ate at Magnolia Cafe, where I worked. She was petite and thin, but not scarily. She seemed very un-Hollywood and was extremely polite. She had eggs, toast and bacon and ate it all with no mysterious trips to the bathroom. She left a great tip, which makes her number one in my book.
  Austin, Texas
Dear Southern Belle:
Glad to hear. There must be something in the Hell-Ay water that makes people more sassy 'n' trashy, but that's why we love Tinseltown train wrecks so, right?
Nicole Kidman

James Devaney/WireImage

Dear Ted:
I'm increasingly troubled by Nicole Kidman's mouth. Will no one pose an intervention with her?
Dear Catch-39:
I agree. Could have something to do with Mrs. Urban turnin' the big 4-0 (aka Driving Miss Daisy in T-town years) in a couple of months. This gorgeous gal needs to find the right facialist before she ends up lookin' like Melanie Griffith.
Natalie Portman

Stephen Lovekin/WireImage

Dear Ted:
Virginal Vamp just has to be Natalie Portman.
  Manchester, U.K.
Dear Brit Wonderer:
Trust, that girl's not half as vampy as her celluloid colleagues. Not even close. Think more boy-magnet material, and not quite as coiffure daring.
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