Whitney Houston

Mark Sullivan/WireImage.com

Hungover from the weekend? Party, sniff 'n' screw a little too much?

So sorry. Save the sex part, I'm here to say there's a nice life to be had without crushing your soul with myriad blotting-out activities. I mean, who needs stark raving hubbies when you can--gossip! (Don't take my word for it; consult Whitney Houston, and get back to me.) Let's go:

Toothy Tile, my fave closeted actor (and yours, too, judging by all the friggin' Websites I hear are devoted to the oft shy lad) has yet again broken up with his b-f, I'm told by mutual amigos.
Keanu Reeves

Rena Durham/ZUMApress.com

And, no, Toothy is not Keanu Reeves, as so many folks keep asking me--over and over and over. Hey, isn't K.R. still busy discussing movie deals with David Geffen? Or is that Seann William Scott (such the cutie-patootie) and D.G.?

Nah, as some of you already know, mega-rich, mega-connected D.G. only has eyes, 'course, for conquering the Los Angeles Times and Paramount Pictures. Good luck, Davey-poo!

Can Seann 'n' Keanu star in a remake of Titanic, should you prevail over at Paramount?

Just asking.

Oh, back to Tooth, who's a genuinely talented guy. Trouble is, Mr. T.'s hunky man-friend got pretty sick of having sex only in public places, which, apparently, is the only locale that gets Toothy's locomotive going. So predictable, really.

I mean, leave it to an actor to always want an audience.

Boudoirs, bathtubs and backyard petunia beds are boring? I certainly don't think so. But in honor of Toothy's tragic little occurrence (and I mean that), I propose a moment of silence before...my latest poll!

Readers, let me ask: What's the most exciting, nontraditional place you've gotten it on, and would you like to make that locale a regular occurrence?

Hugh Grant, if you're online, yes, we would most welcome your input, so don't be shy, boyfriend!

George Clooney

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All the boy does is work. Hell, even his socializing is damn nine-to-five stuff. Even though G.C., who won an Oscar for Syriana this year, is busy filming Steven Soderbergh's Ocean's Thirteen, he took time a few days ago not just to flirt out the wazoo at a Hell-Ay wedding with his former (current?) overly svelte flame, Renée Zellweger, but listen to what he did for din-din the next night:

Before going back to work on Ocean's in Vegas (where the sequel's currently filming for another month), hunky Clooney went to chow down at--surprise, surprise!--David Geffen's Malibu pad. Too chic.

But trust, it was all biz, as a whole slew of Vanity Fair ass-kissed cronies joined in, including:

Julia Roberts and Tom Cruise, no Suri in sight, how very...not strange.

I swear, David G. just has the most eclectic friends. Or is there some common socializing thread of which we're not all aware? Don't answer that, whatever you do. Instead, let's just focus on the fact that Mr. C.'s buds are now saying that a "something" is most likely back on with Renée, particularly since the two Oscar winners are both gearing up to work together again for one of Clooney's films (Leatherheads).

I hate that bitch. She gets 'em all, doesn't she? (Just not fer long!)

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes

1508/Most Wanted/ZUMA Press.com

It's funny, no? How Tom Cruise privately hangs with his swanky, left-leaning pals, but then in public, he's all soccer mom...I mean, pop.

Take, for ince, the following:

Date: Sept. 16, 2006

Location: La Cienega Park, Beverly Hills, California

Details: Everyday fams were going to the park, to hit the swings, like they do every Saturday, and then the breeder types noticed all these guys with cameras and telephoto lenses around the soccer field.

As they got closer, said nuclear types ran into a huge pack of paparazzi moving through the park, and in the middle, reigning dad-dazzingly supreme, were Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. They'd been watching Tom's other daughter, Isabella, play a soccer game.

Everybody kept yelling, "When's the wedding? When's the wedding?"

Delivery: Katie, I mean, Kate, answered, "Thank you," and they all then got into the back of an Escalade and took off.

Deduction (of Sorts): Even Stepford Wives answer with a reply that matches the question.

Britney Spears

Alexandra Wyman/WireImage.com

Oh, oh, oh! Our favorite manny cum bodyguard to one Britney Spears has been out of the pic for a while. Remember when we were used to Perry Taylor totin' Sean Preston along with Brit's groceries? And how the tabs were beside themselves, claiming the hunky dude could be Brit's new man?

And then here at Desk Awful, we found out some not so sparkling things about the former navy man. Shortly after, it seemed like Perry fell off the radar, despite Brit's rep insisting he was still working with the Spears-Federline clan.

Perry Tyler

Eric Charbonneau/WireImage.com

The beefy right-hand man was spotted at the heels of none other than Jude Law at the New Orleans premiere of All the Kings Men, natch, and now that's the blondie the blondie's all bothered with, too cute!

Wonder if the thought of double diaper duty due to Sutton Pierce's arrival was too much for poor P. to handle?

Or did Brit decide to dismiss him before he could get involved with her second bundle o' joy? I think Perry and Jude are a much better match, anyway. They're both fairly doable, and they both have had scandalous pasts.

Well, actually, one's prickly sitch was with the law and the other's was with a lady, but who's keepin' track?


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