Revenge (verb). To exact punishment or expiation for a wrong on behalf of, especially in a resentful or vindictive spirit.
Everybody knows what this time-honored backstabbing tradition is. But for celebrities, the term takes on an entirely new meaning.
See, A-listers (and B-listers, too) live by a different set of rules. They date differently, they go out differently, and they enact revenge like no one else. But you don't have to be a bold name hunted by paparazzi to get a little taste of this sweet, sweet revenge pie. Thanks to the fact that celebs do literally everything ever in a public way for all to see, we've been able to garner a few rules to live by, revenge-fully speaking.
We have celebrities to thank for so many life lessons, like teaching us to never travel without a full glam squad. Or how to disappear completely by having a private jet on standby. Or that the most important way to start your day is by Snapchatting yourself in your underwear.
Where would we be without this celebrity advice? We certainly wouldn't be enacting revenge on our enemies very effectively, that's for sure. If you've found yourself in the midst of an epic feud or on the business end of a total backstabber, just use these simple tricks and you'll be drinking that sweet, sweet revenge. Just make sure you refill your ice tray, because this is a dish best served cold.
Tweet out your enemy's phone number.
This is a no-brainer. Whether your aim is to simply annoy whoever has wronged you by flooding their daily life with unsolicited calls and text messages or to give their would-be stalkers a leg up on all that stalking, this is the ticket. It's practically no skin off your back; it takes about four seconds the flick of a few thumbs to tweet a phone number. So while it may turn into nothing more than a minor logistical issue for your revengee—celebs change their contact info pretty often, after all—the return level for you is pretty high.
Write a revenge song.
So the chances of creating a hit single out of nowhere is pretty low, but somebody has to release the next "Better Than Revenge." And that somebody could be you! It's a very cloak-and-dagger way to enact revenge, as you won't actually be naming your sworn enemy in the lyrics; instead you'll create a veritable witch hunt for the tune's subject. Even better! Remember to be symbolic but not too symbolic, mysterious but not too mysterious. You are the master of your own revenge song destiny.
Dump your ex for someone super famous.
Guys, you can totally do this. If you're already dating someone well known, you should make sure to move up at least two fame levels. If you want to get a revenge on a nobody, any D-lister will do. The secret isn't in who you choose, it's how you choose to debut your new (and better) romance. Be as public as possible: Lay down in the middle of Robertson Boulevard and make out if you have to. After a week or two, work your new famous beau into Instagram pictures. You won't be sorry, but your ex sure will be.
Call out your enemy at the VMAs.
So this tip can't be executed by just anybody, we get that. But if you're able to sneak onto the set of the next MTV award show it will truly be the best platform for your revenge. You'll have free range of the microphone for as long as it takes the show's team of engineers to find the bleep button and whoever you're feuding with will be so flustered that you'll have the floor to yourself. Consider the level of secondary embarrassment in the audience your revenge success meter.
Keep your enemy from performing a song you actually wrote.
Let's say you were a professional DJ and music producer and you used to date a semi-famous singer. Now, what would happen if you wrote a song that your once-romantic partner then recorded and released, but you broke up and you decided you must enact revenge whichever way possible? Well, you would take the song away from that semi-famous singer, of course. If they're not going to date you then they can't have nice things. It's playground rules or bust here.
Star on the cover of Vanity Fair.
This is the ultimate power move. Don't bother dirtying your own hands with revenge...let the bastion of the written word's passive aggressive dig do it for you. You could spend all the time in the world telling your friends and family how cold things were in your new enemy's shadow, but it will sting so much more if you tell it to Vanity Fair. Just imagine all the speculative think pieces that will be written about your exacting and biting words!
Steal your enemy's backup dancer.
If your enemy doesn't have backup dancers, then any employee will do. If they don't have employees, well, are they really particular about their hairstylist or dry cleaner? It's open season.
Create a passive-aggressive recipe to publish on your lifestyle websites.
We're just pulling this out of nowhere, but we're guessing that if someone who had been to white collar prison insulted you, then making something you call Jailbird Cake would probably piss that person off.
Simply insist to everyone you talk to that you have no idea who the person you're (secretly) trying to get revenge on is.
"I don't know her!"