Celebrity Excuses, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner

Getty Images; E! Illustration

It's the oldest trick in the book. Celebrities screw up; celebrities find an incredibly convenient excuse. 

Stars are human, after all. They're going to do things that are a little...unsavory...from time to time. Their Instagram accounts are going to mysteriously post naked photos of unsuspecting former flames. They're going to be really, really, dangerously hungover. They're going to get married to someone that they won't stay married to very long.

But the difference between the A-listers and the regular people (and, let's face it, even between the D-listers and the regular people) is that celebs have an official language made just for them to fall back on. It's not a secret language, but it is reserved for those people—and only those people—who are in that upper echelon of recognition. Until now, the regular folks of the world were struggling to decipher this dialect, and left wondering just how someone could, say, be looking for sushi in the middle of the night on a deserted freeway.

But now that's all going to change, because we've put together an official glossary of all of these various excuses that celebrities have used. Never again will you wonder how breastfeeding is really helping somebody get a six-pack, or what really happened during that marquee divorce. We're keeping all involved parties anonymous, of course, so please do not ask us to reveal our sources. We have changed all last names of parties involved...just kidding, we're not using names.

Still, the option to guess who is who is yours for the taking, but we will be protecting the identities of these celebrities whose excuses we have deconstructed. Because haven't they been through enough? (Some of them were fake-robbed, after all!) 

"It was an amicable split" = "Someone cheated"

"I was hacked" = "I shouldn't have posted that" 

"Someone got me flowers and I was driving, made a turn, and the water spilled on my d--k area" = "I peed my pants"

"I have exhaustion" = "I need rehab"

Celebrity Excuses, Ryan Lochte

Getty Images; E! Illustration

"We were robbed" = "We got drunk and destroyed a bathroom"

"I'm breastfeeding" = "I starved myself to get a post-baby body"

"I had one drink too many before I drove" = "I had 10 drinks too many before I drove"

"My management posted the wrong Instagram caption" = "I don't write my own Instagram captions"

Celebrity Excuses, Ashley Benson

Getty Images; E! Illustration

"I have a deviated septum" = "I wanted a nose job"

"My daughter took my phone and tweeted something stupid" = "I tweeted something stupid"

Celebrity Excuses, Zac Efron

Getty Images; E! Illustration

"I was getting late-night sushi" = "I was at the club"

"I tripped and fell in the kitchen" = "I'll never tell you what really happened"

"I slipped on water in my entryway" = "I'll never tell you what really happened"

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