Lindsay Lohan, The Canyons

Lindsay Lohan current claim to relevancy can wholly be chalked up to a morbid curiosity as to what goes on behind her closed doors, be they of a car, club or the Chateau Marmont (it certainly isn't due to films like that ABC Family one where she faked a pregnancy).

Yet, she still does act, technically, the latest of which is in the upcoming thriller The Canyons. But if track record holds true (it will), the headlines leading up to the film will prove far more entertaining. Cue today's New York Times Magazine profile, titled "Here Is What Happens When You Cast Lindsay Lohan in Your Movie" and telling exactly that.

While most of the revelations made within are stuff you've already assumed, the magazine still makes some pretty bold, if not just bizarre, claims (without having Camp Lohan scream back with a lawsuit...yet). At 11 pages, the piece could practically serve as a treatment for the future Lifetime movie about LiLo's life, so we've rounded up the best parts:

1. She Didn't Like Liz & Dick Either: Remember when you first realized that Liz & Dick was more boring than campy or trainwrecky or good or whatever reason you decided to tune in? Well apparently Lindsay was well aware of that long before we were and just didn't want to warn us (thanks for nothing, Lohan).

"At their second meeting, Lohan complained to [director Paul] Schrader about a biopic she was shooting for Lifetime, in which she played Elizabeth Taylor, one of her role models," Stephen Rodrick writes."She proclaimed the director a jerk, her co-star a nightmare and the crew unfriendly. On it went."

Never forget:

Lindsay Lohan Arrest, GIF

2. She Wants (or Wanted) to Go to Africa: Early on in the filming, Lohan stopped sucking on a cigarette long enough to drop this bomb: "When it's done, I want to go somewhere far away, maybe Africa. Uganda? But right now all I want to do is work, work."

Your first thought upon readingt that most definitely would be, Africa, you can keep her!, while simultaneously trying to recall every Africa-centric Mean Girls reference you could.

But she isn't going. She changed her mind as filming wrapped, saying, "I don't want to take a while off, I want to keep working. There's some other scripts, and I eventually want to direct."

3. She Got Fired (and Cried and Rehired): Of her many unprofessional hiccups—which included, but are not limited to, running up a $600 dinner tab on booze and sushi, staying out all night with Lady Gaga, trying to recast her costars and having the physical inability to be on set on time ("Actresses are always late. Julia Roberts is late," Lohan's then-publicist Steve Honig quipped.)—what got Lindsay fired was simply not showing up.

Which she did on a number of occasions, with an equal number of excuses, until Schrader fired her. "Lohan began to cry and begged for another chance," NYT claims, saying the actresses even went to the director's hotel. "She pounded on doors until she found Schrader's room. As she banged on his door, she texted him manically...Lohan stayed out in the hall sobbing for another 90 minutes before she finally left."

She was rehired, if only to pass on this sage (if not delusional) advice to costar James Deen after he got in a creative spat with SchradeR: "That's unprofessional to treat your director like that. Just very disrespectful."

4. She Will Be the Star, Dammit: Though much is made of Lindsay's fear that her costars will outshine her ("It doesn't involve a co-star. She would be perfect for it," Schrader jokes about discussions the two had for her to star in a remake of Gloria), one of the more fascinating anecdotes showed that, damn, Lindsay can carry a grudge.

"She smiled and waved to everyone and then noticed a magazine with Oliver Stone on the cover," it reads. "She picked it up and ripped it into pieces, cursing. (Lohan had been considered for a role in Stone's Savages, but the director eventually passed.) She then went into the bedroom, calling out, 'Does anyone want a beer?'"

Watch your back, Blake Lively.

5. She'll Joke About Jail (but Not Her "Triple Chin"): On no fewer than two occasions, Lohan casually joked about her jail time. "Rejection for an actress is formative," Schrader explained during an early table read before Lindsay chimed in, "Well, it's nothing like going to jail, I can tell you that."

Later, "she talked of a recent photo shoot where she was asked to wear stripes. She shifted into her best Joan Rivers imitation, 'I said, ‘Hello, stripes after jail, so not a good idea!'" All good-natured fun, right? Just don't make her look fat.

"'I hope you got my triple chin on that one," Lohan said to no one directly. 'That shot was hideous.'" Rodrick writes about one of the film's sex scenes, echoing a sentiment she seemed to feel about the whole movie: She hated it (Dina Lohan did too, for the record). And if No. 1 taught us anything, that means we'll hate it too!

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