Jennifer Lopez, Tom Cruise

Christopher Polk/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
I know Tom Cruise isn't the star he once was, but he's still bankable. For a star of his stature, he seems to turn up in a lot of odd places, even for a guy who has a movie to hawk: Oprah's couch, the dorky dancing video with Katie at some benefit, Les Grossman at the MTV Movie Awards and way too much on Entertainment Tonight. Seems like all you've got to do is ask him and he'll show up. Is he really a publicist's dream, or desperately trying to stay relevant?
—Not Sure Why I Care

Dear Odd Man Out:
A bit of both? But please be kind. We love our Tom here at the A.T. He survived Nicole, didn't he? And besides, while Tom knows he can still earn a pretty penny at the box office, he also knows that, no matter how much the dude can deny it, he needs a serious image revamp to return to the huge, huge star he once was. It doesn't hurt to have the younger audience on his side, hence the MTV awards.

Dear Ted:
I'm a rabid Robsten fan and pretty much lose my pants every time I see Robert Pattinson. However, his slightly less-than-impressive abs in New Moon made me want to throw his ass in a gym! Will Summit make him buckle down before all of the pillow-biting action in Breaking Dawn?

Dear Bulking Up:
Don't count on Rob becoming a gym rat like Tay-Tay. While Taylor's main claim to fame in these flicks is his bod, Rob's got his underused acting chops to fall back on—oh, and his hair, duh.

Dear Ted:
My precious pooches send mucho love your way. Just wanted to know how the lovely Nevis Divine is doing and where he finds his conquests. Does he "date" fans, or does he just have a standby when needed?

Dear Nev Now:
Yummy Nev's doing pretty good, but more importantly, looking really good. As for those "conquests," Nevis isn't looking for any new love right now; he already has a steady BF and GF in his life and that's more than enough. And yes, he "dates" mere mortals, on occasion.

Dear Ted:
What's up with Butter Pussy these days? Does she have a beard?

Dear Spread 'Em:
Crafty Butter's all about reinventing herself these days, and yes, that includes, quite possibly, her love life.

Dear Ted:
You mentioned recently that Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles really don't mind all the attention they've been getting lately. Is there any chance that they've been deliberately encouraging the rumors about the nature of their relationship, or is that definitely not the sort of attention they're looking for? It'll break my little heart if you tell me their bromance is all for show...

Dear I Love You, Man:
These two definitely know how to pimp out a relaysh, but don't worry, they are good pals. As for gay rumors, they definitely don't want those floating around. They'll totally get in the way of the duo becoming big-time action stars, right?

Dear Ted:
We all know Rob Pattinson has been a Blind Vice. Is he still involved in his Blind Vice? And is it the same one? Sorry I can't offer you any pets for favors. I've got huge allergies in my house. We do have three fish...

Dear Status Update:
Yes, doll, the same B.V. he's always had. And say hello to your fishy friends.

Dear Ted:
What's going on between Judas Jack-off and Dashed Dingle-Dream these days?

Dear Can't You Guess?
Love, not war, as many a fool thinks.

Dear Ted:
You recently said that you thought a lot less of Toni Collette after having met her. Can you divulge why? I've always thought she was incredibly talented, yet suspected she was not so nice in person.

Dear Toni Mia!
Hey, she's supertalented, don't get me wrong. But I've interviewed her several times at awards shows now, and she just has this snot-bucket dismissive thing going on (with reporters, in general, not just me), and I find it a bit arrogant, that's all.

Dear Ted:
You have been talking nonstop about Robsten and Twilight stuff, and I wanted to know something quite different: Where's Britney?

Dear Brit Bits:
On my ass coming down Benedict Canyon this morning, that's where. Bitch knows pedal to the metal, I'll say that much.

Dear Ted:
Shame on you for promoting pot! I don't care what your stance is on it, kids read this crap and it's disgusting that you are acting like it's cool to do drugs. Grow up, loser! Very, very disappointing, E!

Dear After-School Special:
Hey, just saying that Chace Crawford got charged with possession for one unlit joint and could possibly (though unlikely) spend time in the slammer. There are bigger problems, babe, so why don't you grow up?

Dear Ted:
Do tell what Us Magazine got "sorta right," as you teased. I'm the proud, adoptive mother of George, the toughest little 10-pound rat terrier around. Does that get me an answer?
—Mary R. Elizabeth

Dear Right On:
I already dished all that, M.—the fact that they've been bunking together for a while now. A Robstenite's dream come true, huh? Lick George to celebrate!

Dear Ted:
I bet the publicity people for whatever movie Emma Roberts was promoting on The Tonight Show are pulling their hair out. Do you think maybe Megan Fox should present a seminar for other starlets on what happens when you diss Rob Pattinson in public?

Dear Roll Call:
Except Emma's totally getting more press because of the incident. And with all those passionate Rob fans that scared the young diva off Twitter, she isn't the one who looks bad. I'm sure her people don't hate that.

Dear Ted:
There is talk on one gossip blog that Brad Pitt runs his relationship with Angelina Jolie—that he is a tough-minded, controlling, domineering, complicated man. But I always believed that Angelina Jolie was the controlling one in that relationship. Who do you think is the stronger one here?

Dear In Control:
Angie, clearly. Don't believe anything else.

Dear Ted:
I was wondering about Shafterella Shoshstein. I understand ditching her faux romance the way she did was pretty rude, but is it uncommon for beards to have a serious side relationship? As long as no one finds out and continues to believe the tabloid-friendly relationship, what's wrong with everyone having a little love? If the closeted celeb can have fun on the side why not the beard? My pup Teddy adores you!

Dear Play by the Rules:
Sure, S2 was definitely allowed to have a bit of loving on the side, so long as it didn't ruin the setup the two stars had, and that's what totally happened. Shafty ditched the poor gay dude without so much as a warning. Give Teddy a supersloppy kiss from me, ‘K?

Dear Ted:
Love the good work you do for animals. Unfortunately my mom became allergic so we can't have cats anymore, but we found a nice home for our old cats. I'm kinda curious about the workings of those fake marriages and relationships. Has an arranged marriage in Hollywood ever lead to the couple having kids? And I don't mean adopting them.

Dear All the Way:
Oh yes, babe. Of course!

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Check out even more of Ted's bitching in the Bitch-Back section!

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