Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake

AP Photo

Dear Ted:
Britney Spears
and Justin Timberlake were true loves. I hope one day they'll at least be friends again! Have they seen each other lately? Do they talk? Will they go to an awards show together ever again?

Dear Sexy (Flash) Back:
B and J have (almost) always been on good terms, but none of Brit's relationships were ever really the same after her big ol' meltdown—and I'm not talking the bald-headed one. I'm talking post-Justin. But Justin still cares deeply for his ex-flame and friend—and that's why we still love him, too. As for awards shows, you can go ahead and take that one off your wish list. Not gonna happen, babe, at least not soon.

Dear Ted:
As I watch Sandra Bullock pack her image with as much smiley silliness as possible, it seems clear to me her intent is to not be Jenifer Aniston, right? I bet pity might be one of Sandy's least favorite things.

Dear Apples and Oranges:
Puh-lease. Sandy is in a different league. She's so much wiser. She isn't even remotely concerned about being compared to the blind, wandering prophetess of romantic purgatory that is Jennifer Aniston. Be that as it may be—I heart both chicks equally, really I do.

Dear Ted:
At one point you mentioned that Toothy was born in Texas? This Toothy Tile thing is killing me! I must be superlame, because even with the hints, I haven't got a clue. Is Ryan Cabrera from Texas?
—Barry, the O.C.

Dear Tile and Error:
Nope. Toothy's a celebrity. (Zing!) And, besides, I said he was born west of Texas.

Dear Ted:
Is it safe to say that Shafterella Shoshstein and Toothy Tile are no longer friends?

Dear Civil War:
One, why are you pairing them together? Très intriguing. Two, it's not quite that black and white. Embrace the gray, darling.

Dear Ted:
Have you ever posted a comment (anonymously, of course) on one of your message boards?

Dear Anon Alley:
No, Steph, as I've said many times before, I already have my little yellow acre of insanity. That one's yours.

Dear Ted:
Have you noticed that Nikki Reed hasn't filmed a new movie since before Twilight while, everyone else is getting work right and left? Is it because she isn't trying to do anything new, or is she just not being sought out by casting directors?
—Mizz Chia

Dear Table Reed:
She's not exactly not working. But she did take a bit of a love hiatus with that idiot Paris-reject Paris Latsis. Didn't work out too well. So let's force ourselves to be kind, here, 'K? Nikki is über-talented, after all.

Dear Ted:
Do you think it's highly suspicious that January Jones' first call after her accident was to Bobby Flay? Allegedly they had only met once or twice. Why wouldn't she call her lawyer or publicist or an agent/manager type? Why Flay? I think something was revealed here. What do you think?

Dear Flayvor of Love:
Phone calling under the influence of lunacy, that's what.

Dear Ted:
Why is it every time they make a Cleopatra movie, the woman is always white? We all know that Cleopatra was a dark-skinned woman, so why not use a black woman this time?

Dear Color Blind:
That's what people have been saying since the days of la divine Elizabeth Taylor's version in '63. Hollywood ignorance ain't nothing new, sweets. Quite frankly, I think the talk of Angelina Jolie is more T-town small-mindedness. How 'bout Zoe Saldana or Frieda Pinto for the role? Jeez, think outside the lily-white box, people.

Dear Ted:
What's up with Lady Gaga? Is she so desperate for attention that she is willing to upstage her little sister at her graduation? It seems like the fame has gotten to her.

Dear Pop and Circumstance:
Gaga does not seek attention; she commands it. You can't blame the world's hottest music star for standing out in a crowd of video-camera-wielding WASPs.

Dear Ted:
I just read that the snoozefest that is Breaking Dawn will be given the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows treatment. Doesn't this just confirm that Summit doesn't care about the quality of these films or the fans?

Dear Deathly Dawn:
Not quite. It just proves that Summit is slowly becoming one of the smartest little studios in the business.

Dear Ted:
Eclipse's hype resembles nothing of New Moon's. The response to Eclipse coming out seems almost lukewarm. Even the clips that Summit keeps rushing out (Don't they get that less is more?) aren't doing much to hype up the film. Is it safe to say that the peak of the Twilight Saga was New Moon?

Dear Safety Dance:
Absolutely not. After New Moon, the franchise is still totally on its way up. Trust this one.

Dear Ted:
My beloved rescue kitty, Burt, is sick, and we are awaiting test results. I'm trying to take my mind of off the situation (like I could ever do that) by surfing the Internet. I saw some recent photos of John Goodman. Any Vice material here?
—Sad Susan

Dear Susie's Q:
I'm so sorry to hear about poor Burt—feel better, love. I'll give you a few freebies about the newly slim John: He's not Nevis Divine, Crescent Cumquat, Tobey Yum-Yum or Toothy Tile. Does that help? My thoughts and prayers are with your puss!

Dear Ted:
You talk a lot about Danneel Harris and her new hubby, Jensen Ackles, but I'm wondering, what's your take on the other half of Jackles, Jared Padalecki and his bride, Genevieve Cortese? In the latest photos they look like they're head-over-heels for each other, but if there's one thing I've learned from you, it's that looks can be deceiving. So what's the scoop? Are they real or are they just another Hollywood couple putting on a show for the cameras?

Dear Playne Jayne:
I'm glad I've taught you to view Hollywood with a grain (or million) of salt. That said, my lips are sealed about Jared and Gen. Not so with Danneel and Jensen. Lips apart and start the gossipy party with those two!

Dear Ted:
Just heard that Kristen Stewart's ex Michael Angarano has a new girlfriend, Emma Roberts. Can you get his rep to come out on this one? Some are trying to say Mike is still with Kristen but he's in hiding. This needs to be looked into!

Dear Time Machine:
Are you really barking up this tree again, Tobe? Kristen's Oregano days are far, far gone.

Dear Ted:
Is Henry Cavill Nevis Divine?

Dear Tudorific:
Nope. Think much more well-known, but equally mysterious.

Dear Ted:
Recently, you posted a B.V. on Shafterella Shoshstein. Could this person possibly be Blake Lively?

Dear Gossip Guess:
Nope. She's way too young to be the Shaftress. Not to mention nice(r).

Dear Ted:
Why don't you get your liberal head out of your ass, quit thinking about whether Sarah Palin had a boob job, and start thinking about how Barack Obama is screwing up this country with his liberal agenda?! It's time you liberal idiots wake up and stop trying to turn America into a socialist country!
—A conservative American

Dear McCarthy, the Sequel:
Sounds like you need to direct your anger somewhere else. May I suggest a game of Scrabble with Bristol Palin? That'll teach you.

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