Jennifer Garner

Kevin Perkins/Gaz Shirley/

Dear Ted:
For years I have been reading your column and I wanted to say thanks for keeping me entertained and up-to-date on all the celebrity goss. I also wanted to say I saw Jennifer Garner on Letterman the other night and she seemed so nice! She talks to the audience and laughs at herself, so surely she can't be as nasty in real life as people say?

Dear Alias:
She's an actress, remember, and for all the people she has buying that she's some kind of saint, I'd have to say she's a damn good actress. It's only off-camera that she really lets her claws out. Just ask Taryn.

Dear Ted:
Does Danneel Harris follow Angelina's "mystery diet" or have David Hasselhoff's drinking habits? I'm asking that because I've been one of her fans for a few years now, but the content of her Twitter is disturbing for a 30-years-old hottie about to get married. Almost all of her tweets sound like they're written by an insecure 10-year-old schoolgirl.

Dear Freaked Out Follower:
Don't send Danneel off to Promises just yet. The engaged babe told me most of the time she spends on Twitter is defending herself from Supernatural fans who keep giving her crap. Give the girl a break.

Dear Ted:
I'm intrigued by your new Blind Vice. Could Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off possibly be David and Victoria Beckham? I think so. In fact, I think I know so. A question though: Did Victo...oops, "Sectretia" know about this when she married him?

Dear Overconfident:
Hate to burst your detective bubble, but, the former Spice Girl and soccer star aren't the swinging couple you think they are. 'Tho, that's not to say to say the sexy couple you mentioned doesn't have a Blind Vice all their own.

Dear Ted:
Do you know if any of your closeted Blind Vices are planning to come out anytime in the near future? (Cause I would love that!)

Dear Come Out Already!:
Possibly, just possibly, Toothy Tile and Crotch Uh-Lastic.

Dear Ted:
Did you see John Mayer's "emotional apology" for his disgusting interview remarks about his "addiction" to sex with Jessica Simpson? He actually admitted being selfish, greedy and arrogant. What do you think, is this for real? Is this guy realizing how gross he is and making a change?

Dear Mayer Mania:
It is definitely for real that he is selfish, greedy, and arrogant...but do I think he'll make a change? Maybe for a little bit but he'll return to his douchebag ways eventually, just wait.

Dear Ted:
I saw photos of Angelina Jolie in Haiti, and she looks like a walking corpse. Doesn't she tan at all? She used to be one of the most beautiful women alive, where did it all go? Keep up the good work, I love your stories.

Dear Zombieland:
I don't think she had much downtime for sunbathing while helping out in Haiti, so I'll forgive her for being pasty pale. In that department, the brazen babe seems to have her priorities in order.

Dear Ted:
It's Valentines Day this weekend. Could you tell us something nice and sweet about our favorite Blind Vice couple Toothy and Goosey?

Dear Vicey Valentines:
They're planning on making a big mess, does that make you happy?

Dear Ted:
I was way bummed at the press and reception Sarah Palin got at the convention in Nashville over the weekend. Cue Monday, and how happy I was to see Levi Johnston's semi-nude pictures on Playgirl! Maybe we can start a fund to help Levi stay in the limelight if Sexy Sarah insists on running in 2012? He can help remind us all of the "Family Values" platform she champions.

Dear Johnston 2012:
I've got a few dollars to spare, but you've got to promise it won't go towards another Playgirl spread for Levi. We've seen far too much already.

Dear Ted:
Can you please tell us what is going on with Mariah Carey these days? First she had a "drunk" moment at the 2010 Palm Springs International Film Festival (to be fair, she did do a great job in Precious). But aside from that her music career isn't all that hot these days. What happened to the successful Mariah with the Emancipation of Mimi? Is it another repeat of Glitter, but this time with her CD and not her movie? Or is the married life just ruining her all round?

Dear Mimi Gone Crazy:
I still can't imagine what that couple could possibly have to talk about, what with her fascination with butterflies and his opportunism, but as loopy as Mariah can get, I'm sure her team would never, ever allow a second coming of Glitter. And thank heaven for that!

Dear Ted:
I have to ask, what is your opinion of Katy Perry? I liked her until I saw her on American Idol. Is she always that snarky?

Dear Perrfect:
Got to disagree with you: I thought Katy was hilarious on AI. But you know I love a girl with a little sass.

Dear Ted:
A question about this whole bearding business: Just curious, do beards always know that they are beards, as in are they are aware of the true nature of the relationship? Or, do they sometimes get enough of a resemblance of a regular marriage/boyfriend-girlfriend deal that they might be in the dark about their role?

Dear Bearded Beauty:
Most beards—or at least the ones with half a brain—know what's up. It's not too hard to figure out your boyfriend is just not that into you when his agent sets up your dates and you get zilch in terms of lovin' at the end of the night.

Dear Ted:
I saw a picture of Cory Monteith and Taylor Swift the other day. Don't you agree that they make the cutest young couple?

Dear Corylor? Swifteith?:
Dare I say, I'd be gleeful if Tay chose baby faced Cory over d-bag John Mayer. Cross your fingers, everyone!

Dear Ted:
Why don't you have your own TV show yet? I'm sure you would get crazy ratings!

Dear Mother:
I thought you said you didn't read this trash?


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