Bitch-Back! Is Johnny the Next Brad?

Readers convinced it’s a matter of time before Angelina sinks her claws into Depp

Dear Ted:
As Brangelina (reportedly) implodes, what do you think are the chances that she'll topple Johnny Depp's relationship with Vanessa Paradis in this upcoming film they're doing? Depp seems better grounded compared to Brad Pitt, and the thought of him becoming another Jolie victim gives me the creeps.
—Just a Little Worried on the Other Coast

Dear Forward Thinker:
Like I said from day one, I think the chances that Angie and Johnny will hookup in the tabloids is a given. As for real life? She's not his type. Too smart.

Dear Ted:
I never put much stock in the Jay-Z-Rihanna rumors, but after the Grammys and Beyoncé's nervous speech. Jay-Z not even looking at her when he won. And how weird was it seeing Rihanna holding Beyoncé's nephew? Please, what is going on?
—Erin

Dear Three's Company:
They all seemed to be afterpartying together just fine. I def noticed the awkward moment between B and J during her acceptance speech, though. It was the first time I think she has called him out on being her hubby so publicly...chalk it up to surprise?

Dear Ted:
I love how Rob and Kristen are focusing on their careers right now. They are young and hot, and unless they want to only be known as Bella and Edward, this is an important time for them to branch out. So I say good for them. There is plenty of time to figure out the details of a relationship when you are ready to settle down, which I doubt either one is.
—Steph

Dear Excuse Me:
You sound way too rational to be a reader of our blolum.

Dear Ted:
What's the real deal behind Nick Jonas and Selena Gomez? Is it PR or are they in love?
—Scarlett

Dear It's a Faze:
Selena is just too sweet for Nick. This too, shall pass.

Dear Ted:
Are you certain all of these male movie stars are secretly gay? Couldn't they just be bisexual in that they enjoy sexual romps with men (or women) on occasion, meaning they are just plain cheaters? What woman would engage in a fake romance, even to further her career?
—Moon

Dear Valid Point:
Yeah, sure you could label some of these closeted studs as bisexual, technically. But for a lot of them, it's a stop on the way to gaytown.

Dear Ted:
Why did you guys start the rumor mill again with the whole Rob and Kristen thing? It seems you guys always do it when one of them has a movie that is coming to theaters. A lot of people think you are working with Rob and Kristen's management team. I can only imagine what nonsense you are going to come up with in a few months when they start promoting Eclipse. I know this is your job, but don't you get tired of starting rumors with utter nonsense?
—lmc

Dear Funny Babe:
Uh, how do I put this...Let's just say I'm not exactly adored by Rob and Kristen's management teams, so that theory is just laughable. As for making stuff up when they have movies coming out, darling, I couldn't dream half of the stuff that has really gone on behind the drama-filled Twi scenes.

Dear Ted:
How or why were Brad and Jen kaput even before he fell for Angie? That was one amazing secret they kept, considering there was nothing in the tabloids back then. I still feel for Brad, considering he recently had the life sucked out of him...as well as the "clean" gene.
—A

Dear Picked Up:
The tabloids weren't as "on it" back then as they are now. Come to think of it, most of them aren't even "on it" now.

Dear Ted:
Do you ever get the feeling that people don't really read what you have to say about Robsten and just react to the header? I get sick and tired of people bashing you when you continually say they are still together. But again as you point out, that doesn't mean they spend 24/7 together. There are some people out there who need to grow up and realize that real adult relationships require people to accept that work is part of life, and in a lot of professions, that requires separation. It doesn't mean the relationship is dead or over.
—Bay

Dear Stop Making Sense:
Preachin' to the bloodied choir, babe. But thanks!

Dear Ted:
Just saw more wasted copy about Jon Gosselin, Octomom and other talent-deficient types referred to as "celebrities." I want to suggest a new term for those without discernable talent that the rags insist on writing about: "sublebrity." Of course, "holebrity" or "fauxebrity" might work too! How about it?
—Roy

Dear Over It:
I like! Should we put it to a test with the always-demanding readers first?

Dear Ted:
Lady Gaga reminds me of how Cher used to dress. I can remember clearly the black Bob Mackie outfit she wore to the Oscars one year with the massive headwear that no one could have seen past if they were sitting behind her. I think Lady Gaga is doing an updated version of the same thing. Your thoughts?
—E Johnson

Dear Feelin' It:
I'm sure she's a little Cher-Madonna inspired. But for the most part, I think the grand Gaga will do anything for shock value. I'm not complaining! It's a welcome change in what was seeming like a very bland music industry.

Dear Ted:
When I saw the beautiful picture of Ewan McGregor and Jim Carrey kissing in Paris, my first thought was how great it could be if they were a couple in real life. Is there any chance they are Toothy Tile and Grey Goose?
—Reggie

Dear Nope:
You're off the mark a bit, babe. Just curious—which one is which? Grey Goose wishes he was Ewan McGregor, though.

Dear Ted:
I've read that Robsten google themselves from time to time. Any idea if they know what's going down on the A.T. this week and how upset fans are about their "break"?
—L.N.

Dear FOMO:
Rob, Kristen, why don't you take this one?

Dear Ted:
Could you please ease off bashing Angie for just a second? What has this lady done to you and all those haters out there? I would say get a life, but I am sure you are going so say you already have one...so all I am going to say is please get another. I pray they stay together so that haters like you and others can choke by just seeing them together! Back the f--k up please! (Excuse my French.)
—Venice

Dear Loony Tunes:
You're excused.