ABCHoo boy, friends. That was rough.
Tonight's episode of The Bachelorette wasted no time jumping right back in the middle of the showdown of the Lukes, which was a particularly hard showdown to watch due to the fact that one Luke is clearly better than the other Luke. Unfortunately, the Good Luke did not prevail, and the Evil Luke is still around to suck another day...maybe.
After their argument got absolutely nowhere and Hannah straight up just left the room, Chris Harrison announced that the cocktail party was over and it was time for the rose ceremony.
Before Hannah could give out her first rose, Luke S. asked to speak to her, and he eliminated himself, telling her to "be wary" as he went. We all hoped and prayed to the shower god that Luke P. wouldn't get a rose, but alas, he did.
And on one very small microscopic hand, we get Hannah's point of view. She couldn't know who's telling the truth, and there's something about this guy (his muscles?) that she's attracted to, and she has to trust her own self as much as she can.
"Luke P. is still here because my heart wants him to be here," she said. "My head doesn't always want him to be here. It makes it really difficult to know what's the best decision to make. We know we have crazy chemistry, but there are red flags, and I honestly haven't had the time to explore our relationship the way I feel like it needs to be explored."
On the other giant Hulk-sized hand, Hannah has more than enough evidence—even evidence she's seen with her own eyes—to know he sucks.
Then again, on another swollen finger on that tiny hand, when was the last time we had a villain as fully-formed and easy to hate as Luke P.? Every story needs a bad guy, and this one's as bad as they get, violence and tension-loaded toasts included. Plus, without him, we wouldn't have gotten Tyler C.'s magical speech from last week's one-on-one date about how he'd always be there to pick Hannah up when she needed it.
You fought a good but losing fight, Luke S. Maybe you can get a second chance in Paradise (which is the perfect place to promote your soon-to-be tequila company if you are interested in that).
Much of the rest of the episode involved kilts, which, in the right context, can be one of the hottest items of clothing, and much of this episode was very much the right context. Plus, Luke P. wasn't on that kilt-filled group date, and for that we are thankful.
However, that meant that Luke got a one-on-one, which Hannah clearly needed in order to figure him out, and he failed at every single opportunity she gave him to explain himself and show her his true self. Apparently he couldn't even explain whether he's more into mac and cheese or spaghetti, one of the examples of "real stuff" that Hannah wanted to know about him. That's like bare minimum, dude.
"Luke, I can't give you this rose," she said after a day of going in circles to the point where she said iconic things like "We're not gonna get there right now, let's go look at this castle," and then the episode ended, which somehow makes us think he's not immediately going home.
That worries us, along with the preview for next week, which has Hannah crying over what appears to be all of the guys, while Luke prays in a church and says "It's my fault. I hope that she forgives me."
If Luke gets eliminated, goes and prays about it, then comes back for forgiveness, that's just about the best villain move he could make.
Below, our thoughts on the men and their current standing. Spoiler alert: Luke P. is still last.
Tyler C. is officially our favorite, on and off screen. His Twitter account is delightful. His Instagram is delightful. He chooses his words to Luke very carefully. He loved that Hannah was down for naked bungee jumping, even if it wasn't with him, because he likes that she makes her own decisions. He brought her a bouquet of flowers in the middle of the group date. If Hannah doesn't end up with Tyler C., we will be first in the line that will surely form (if he's not the next Bachelor).
Well hot damn Peter the Pilot. That sauna date was indecently sexy, and Hannah and Peter just look so comfortable together. He seems fun, they have fun together, and we're very much on board with Pilot Pete.
Garrett jumped to the forefront of the Luke situation last week, but this week he made up for it with a jump of a different kind. Even though they were absolutely terrified, he and Hannah went naked bungee jumping, and then had a really good conversation over dinner.
Then the Luke drama unfolded over that naked bungee jumping, but Garrett kept his cool as best he could in the face of a man who was not keeping his cool.
Mike's still there, still in the game, doing his best in the midst of all the Luke, still smiling that heart-melting smile.
Connor is still there, but he's barely spoken for weeks. We actually had to rewind the episode a couple of times to actually make sure he was physically still there.
Ohhhh Jed. Jed was doing so well, and still is on screen. Off screen...it appears he was perhaps even worse than Scott, the guy who Hannah dramatically threw out in the premiere for having a girlfriend. Jed allegedly had a girlfriend for four months before the show, and just wanted to promote his music career. Looks like he left that out of his little confession to Hannah about the music!
Onscreen this week, he really pulled out all the stops, even appearing at Hannah's window to sing her a song. He was then in Hannah's bed singing her a song, until she slowly pulled that guitar away...But can we just be honest and say Jed's made up song about Riga there at the end was the best he's ever sounded?
"You going naked bungee jumping with Garrett felt like a slap in the face...but I just want you to know that I will support you even when you make boneheaded decisions" is basically the speech Luke thought was going to win him a date rose.
This man continues to impress with just how boneheaded he is. And yet he still ended up with a rose.
Dylan seems great and has a pretty fun fashion sense, but he was very much on the sidelines throughout the season. We hope to see more of Dylan in the future.
Dustin seems like a really nice guy who got to say maybe two words the entire season, which is unfortunate but not unusual this season. Maybe he can secure a spot in Paradise to prove he's a really nice guy?
Kevin's two standout moments this season: Getting mysteriously injured during rugby, and accidentally discovering Hannah in Jed's lap in the castle. And now he is no more.
Grant is still just the unemployed guy who brought a hotdog to the mansion on night one, and now he's gone. Bye, Grant.
Devin, you never once made an impression and that is really too bad. We don't even know what "situation" Luke was referring to with you and Dylan. Good luck to you, Devin.
Luke S. didn't deserve this but he's probably got a bright future in Paradise. Hopefully his sacrifice was worth it and Luke P. will soon be gone.
John Paul Jones was only ever John Paul Jones, nothing more and nothing less. We will miss him. And if he's not in Paradise there will be a revolt. We need more John! Paul! Jones!
We are so, so disappointed that Matteo never even spoke, let alone got to tell Hannah about the fact that he's fathered 114 children via sperm donor. What a letdown that fun fact was.
Jonathan is really going to have to step it up if he wants us to remember anything about him!
We still don't remember Joey, so either he got very little screen time or we've confused him with one of the other guys who looks exactly like him.
Why Cam got a rose in episode two after all his barging in is beyond us, and why Cam wasn't immediately sent home after losing it on Mike is equally beyond us, but Hannah came to her senses in episode three.
Our new catchphrase? NBC. Never. Be. Cam.
That said, there's no way that guy doesn't show up in Paradise.
Tyler G. got the first one-on-one date of the season, which involved a helicopter ride and four-wheelers in the mud. He and Hannah seemed to have a fine time but Tyler G. made no impression on us whatsoever, and then Hannah announced that he had to leave. So bye Tyler G!
Au revoir, Connor J.
Could not tell you a single thing Matthew did or said.
Goodbye Daron. We hardly knew ye. In fact, we didn't know ye at all.
Hannah really likes his name and the paper airplane was a really cute choice. If only he weren't immediately shown up by Peter in his actual pilot's uniform, maybe he would have gotten a rose!
Ryan rolled up on roller skates and then rolled right out of there into the night. :(
Matt Donald didn't get a rose. We feel sad for Matt Donald?? Seems like Matt Donald might have a future in Paradise...
Goodbye, Thomas. We hardly knew ye.
Maybe if Brian had calmed down on the caffeine he would have been able to stick around.
Poor Hunter failed to make an impression on Hannah or us.
JOE SELLS BOXES. JOE LOVES BOXES. JOE CAN MAKE ANY TYPE OR SIZE OF BOX. JOE JUMPS OUT OF BOXES. And yet Hannah made the better "package" joke before he could even unbox himself, and so she sent him home.
Scott was the guy who once ran around a mall food court like a "flying chicken" according to his bio, and he got out of the limo
He then straight up ruined that cocktail party with his girlfriend from Monday. He could have just left it alone, but then he compared his having a girlfriend on Monday to Hannah having just dated Colton on a TV show. It was a bad move, and Scott is currently losing the most. Good going, Scott.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.