Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes

Will Alexander/

Dear Ted:
You're the guy who knows all. Help me out. Is Katie Holmes truly in love with Tom, brainwashed or using him? I just can't figure out how a good Catholic girl did a 180 in such a short time.

Dear Switcheroo:
But look at her fab makeover? Isn't it worth it? However, Katie's about as brainwashed as Suri, at this point. Translation: Those girls are ruling the roost, not running from it.

Dear Ted:
Do you ever purchase photos of celebrities caught in compromising situations? If so, I have photos of a celebrity who was on The Hills and Laguna Beach holding a bag of marijuana up to the camera. He was just interviewed and asked about Michael Phelps and was asked if there are any bong pics of him "out there," and he said, "No, not me, I am on probation."

Dear Pants on Fire:
You mean celebrities don't always tell the truth? Shocker! It's safe to say when drug related Q's come up the majority of the folks out here have dabbled—and then some. It's Hollywood!

Dear Ted:
Is Schlong Sleaze-Wad Kevin Costner? He had a reputation that he would ef anything among certain Hollywood directors.

Dear Costly:
Wrong Wad, but please, do tell.

Dear Ted:
I think you have a psychology degree under your belt, if you don't you deserve an honorary one. The way you hit the nail on the head with Angelina's issues: fatherly abandonment, unfaithfulness, control issues. You get it right more times than my own therapist!

Dear Psychobabble:
Thanks, hon, there are just so many of these types of probs around here I think I'm getting numb to it all.

Dear Ted:
I have read many articles and seen many interviews with Robert Pattinson. I find him hard to figure out. It seems that he is attempting to sabotage his own success by talking about his poor hygiene habits etc. Perhaps he is just being very honest (refreshing to see). However, I am curious about his sexual orientation. I get the feeling that he is being told by his agent and the Twilight machine not to "come out" since his fans are predominantly young females. I have seen him with his friend Tom Sturridge, and they seem very close. It actually bothers me as I believe that he can't be himself. Haven't we gotten past all that by now?

Dear Déjà Vu:
It seems like you're telling Toothy Tile's tale hon. I think Pattinson's remains to be seen. I'd rather have him be mysterious than have fake publicity romances like his costar Kellan Lutz.

Dear Ted:
I think it's so hilarious and pathetic that everyone wants to believe in Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner as if they even know them personally. They are so willing to believe the pictures in magazines! Ha! I was just wondering if you could give us any more clues about the reasons for Ben and Jen's demise.

Dear Crystal Ball:
Extreme ego incompatibly now interrupted, ironically, by baby interruptus.

Dear Ted:
I am really tired of looking at SamRo's ugly mug. She whores herself out for publicity's sake, yet whenever a camera is pointed at her she puts on a feebly hostile, somewhat pained expression as if she's suffering an acute hemorrhoid attack. My eyeballs beg you for mercy, please no more SamRo pics!
Marge, Waterbury, Conn.

Dear Ugly Swan:
I'd rather see her mug than a shrinking, unhealthy Lindsay. 

Dear Ted:
I know you keep insinuating that Rob Pattinson is bi/gay. But to be honest, I think that's you just trying to throw us off or something. Is Nevis Devine from One No-Shame Same-Sex Blind Vice Shia LaBeouf?

Dear So Sure:
Shia has more out-there vices than cavorting around with secret boyfriends.

Dear Ted:
I just saw a photo of Lindsay Lohan. She looks like a toothpick with two grapes for boobs and a cherry tomato for a head. So out of proportion. Is she that unhappy with Sam? Love the column—and you.

Dear Food for Thought:
I actually think Sam isn't the bad influence in the effed-up romance. Linds has serious issues, so until she figures them out, she can bounce around to whatever sex she wants, but she won't be happy.

Dear Ted:
I can't stop thinking about Toothy Tile, and I think I finally have the answer! It's Ted Danson, isn't it? And if it isn't, can I get another clue? (I know, I need to get a life). Yours Truly,
O.W.T. (Obsessed With Toothy)

Dear Life Goes On:
Sorry, babe, there's no closeted Ted in these parts. Toothy is more famous right now. 

Dear Ted:
Do you actually know if celebrities read people's comments? 'Cause if the do, those poor people reading those awful comments (including mine)...well, not so poor. I wouldn't mind earning millions of dollars and reading mean things abut myself while drinking champagne in my multimillion-dollar mansion.
Mercedes, Argentina 

Dear Masochist:
Are you talking about Octomom

Dear Ted:
I swear I'm right! please tell me that Crawley McNugget from One Straight Little Prick Blind Vice is David Spade.
Curious as a Cat

Dear Purrty Close:
But not that chicken McNugget.

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