Adam Sandler

Kevin Parry/WireImage.com

Which celeb's totally on the record about how happy he is to see Adam Sandler get fat? Is Sarah Jessica Parker leaving her hubby's career in the dust? Are all you rantin' readers ready for your day in the e-sun? Thought so.

You Don’t Mess With the Zohan, the latest zany, dorky comedy fest, premiered at Grauman’s Chinese in the heart of H’wood last week. The disheveled star musta yawned himself out of bed to show up to the shindig, wearing a schlubby denim jacket, jeans and a baseball cap. The guy’s a writer, producer and the friggin’ leading man of the movie, but he couldn’t be bothered to dress anymore elegantly than best boy. We know you know, Ad, that you’re not Daniel Day-Lewis or George Clooney or some other serious thespian who necessarily needs to don a tux when rolling out on the red carpet, but you aren't at a Yankees game, either. A woman wearing sweatpants would get bitched out for not dressing for the occasion, so don't think we’re holding our tongues for you, bub.

Everyone else, tho, was all too happy to shine a bright light over the comedy dude. The director, Dennis Dugan, has worked with Adam S. in a bucket load of pics, from Happy Gilmore to Chuck and Larry and will prolly do so until the end of time. Claims Den, “He’s the only person I know who works harder than me. He’s funny, clever...a brilliant actor.” Sorry to ask, D2, but have ya seen your own movies? Not sure we’d go as far as describing Sand-hon spewing out gay jokes as “brilliant.” And you aren't exactly Punch Drunk Love’s Paul Thomas Anderson who got something more out of Sandler than strange amounts of silliness.

Rob Schneider

Jeffrey Mayer/WireImage.com

Rob Schneider sheds a more familiar light on his fellow SNL alum: “Adam working out for seven months was a joke. Ten minutes after he was done with the movie he started to get fat again. So, that I was looking forward to.”

Drew Barrymore

Paul Fenton/ZUMA Press

Ad-babe has put Robby in just about every flick he appears in. “Adam knows I won’t say no to doing anything—if it’s stupid or ridiculous, I’ll do it,” admits R.S. “We still have fun together...for 20 years now”...def more fun than audiences have had watching their movies for the past two decades. These guys can’t catch a break with us today, huh? Guess we still haven’t gotten over 50 First Dates, tho thankfully, Drew Barrymore's moved on from that virtually unscathed. More bitchiness follows:

Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards

Dan Herrick-KPA/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
What's up with Denise and Charlie? Who's the dirty dog in this duo?
  Kate
  Columbus, Ohio

Dear It’s Not So Complicated:
Charlie had Heidi Fleiss on speed dial, and D went after her BFF's ex. Clearly they both have issues.

Katherine Heigl

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMA Press.com

Dear Ted:
Traceless Turncoat from One Remove-With-Care Blind Vice can't be Teri Hatcher (although she seems crazy enough to use duct tape, and she is skinny enough). But I'm gonna go instead with Katherine Heigl, whose antics are so transparent they could weave a Victoria's Secret teddy outta them.
  Susan
  Carmel, N.Y.

Dear Hatching Away:
Kath-babe’s got some serious probs (mainly smoking), but she’s clear in this case. Think slightly less (in?)famous.

Lance Armstrong, Kate Hudson

Paul Fenton/ZUMAPress.com, AP Photo/Lefteris Pitarakis

Dear Ted:
Since L. Armstrong and J. Gyllenhaal are friends, would you say Lance is to Kate Hudson what Jake is to Reese Witherspoon? Becky Bain did a great job in your absence, but still... welcome back!
  Sofia
  Buenos Aires, Argentina

Dear Duh:
Since J dates R and L dates K then, uh, yeah I would say so. And ain’t B2 great?

Alanis Morissette

Graham Jepson/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I heard the rumor that Alanis is pregnant, so that may be a more accurate reason for the weight gain than ice cream and Ryan. Regardless, she is a singer, not a model, so who cares if her clothes are not as flattering as they could be?
  Emily
  Newport News, Va.

Dear Bump Watch:
She should care. She’s still in the damning public eye, and image is everything, even in the music biz. That’s just the way it is. Ask your mother...She’ll agree.

Ashlee Simpson

Chris Weeks/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Either Ashlee was in San Francisco or she was on Burlingame Avenue. In little Burlingame, as many readers must be tattling to you. And trust, there is nothing swank or posh about said street. It's the wealthy version of the sticks. Boring! But some OK restaurants.
  Snooty in Oakland

Dear Sassy-Snoot:
Someone’s harboring a lot of hostility for a person who lives neither in San Fran nor on Burlingame Avenue. I’ll be sure to remember the diff next time I’m lurking around up north, so sorry.

Nicollette Sheridan

Steve Granitz/WireImage

Dear Ted:
Is Tracy Turncoat Nicollette Sheridan?
  Mishelle
  Chattanooga, Tenn.

Dear Al’s Nabe:
Even though, perhaps, Nicky does need a tad of help with duct tape in the bod department, ain’t her. The correct desperation dame is considerably svelter.

Kristin Dos Santos

Tammy Kennedy / E! Networks

Dear Ted:
First, why the hell is Suri Cruise still drinking out of a bottle? Isn't that kid about 2 years old now? And is Traceless Turncoat your very own Kristin? Can't help but notice some new names around E!, and thought maybe?
  Cathy
  Dickinson, Texas

Dear 2 for 1:
With a dad like Tom, I wouldn’t be surprised if Suri’s sucking on inappropriate things the rest of her life, and no, my darling Ms. K here at the home corral ain’t the right booby babe. You’re closer than Nic Sheridan, though, that’s fer sure!

Ryan Gosling

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMA Press.com

Dear Ted:
Is Ryan Gosling gay?
  Jo
  Sewell, N.J.

Dear Fag Rag:
What, you think this column’s the fagola gazette, or something? Wait, don’t answer that.

Dear Ted:
Madonna looks like she's had some “work” done on her face, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but she's got chipmunk cheeks and way too taut of a jaw line for her age...correct me if I'm wrong.
  Hathor
  San Diego

Dear Can’t Correct You:
But why are you asking if there’s no issue here?

Different Strokes

NBC

Dear Ted:
I was under the impression your "In the Closet" blurb either featured or mentioned someone literally in the closet, so...Gwyneth or Brad?
  Dr. K
  Savage, Minn.

 Dear Closet Caper:
We’re strictly speaking about clothes in our column’s closet. In any case, neither—you see how many kids those two pop out?

Orlando Bloom

Tony Barson/WireImage

Dear Ted:
Like so many of us, do you have a crush on Orlando Bloom?
  Co
  Philadelphia

Dear Bloom Blush:
We’re not carrying nearly as big a torch as John Mayer is for Pete Wentz

.

David Cook, Kimberly Caldwell

Fox, Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Do you smell PR relationship between David Cook and Kimberly Caudwell, or is Cook just a natural fame whore? I can't get my hours of voting for this nitwit back, but I can save my money and not buy his CD.
  Missy
  Kansas City, Mo.

Dear Nice Try:
Oh whatever, TomKat this ain't.

Lindsay Lohan, Samantha Ronson

John Sciulli/WireImage.com, Maury Phillips/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Do you think Samantha Ronson is being paid by the paps or the tabloids to present them photo ops of Lindsay? There's something untrustworthy about her—especially after the incident you mentioned of her exposing Lindsay's face to the paps when they were in that car together and Lindsay was clearly out of it.
  Mare
  Boston

Dear Sam For Sale:
I highly doubt the paps pay her, but she doesn’t pooh-pooh them snooping around, either. And isn’t that sorta the same thing in the end?

Dear Ted:
I was wondering if it has been brought to anyone's attention that in the movie You, Me, and Dupree, Lance Armstrong is Dupree's (played by Owen) idol. And now Kate Hudson is dating Lance—don't you think that is ironic?
  Anna
  Billings, Mont.

Dear Easily Entertained:
No.

George Clooney, Sarah Larson

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
You totally called it regarding Clooney and the waitress! How do you do it?
  Judah
  Kansas City, Mo.

Dear Same as Carnegie Hall:
Practice.

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