Moist 'n' Mischievous

If bitchy reader feedback isn’t enough to scare the pants off of ya, what Fergie supposedly lets trickle down her trousers sure will! That is, unless you naughty types are into that sorta thang, which wouldn’t surprise me at all…

So, I guess Fergie isn't BS-in' when she raps 'bout how she likes to keep it real. 

Fergie-Ferg is so real, in fact, that she still has accidents just like everyone else—well, maybe not just like everyone else, or at least not anyone over three. 

Ms. A-licious herself performed an hourlong set on Thursday night at the launch party for Lyric Culture: Revolution—a rock 'n' roll apparel line inspired by artists and their lyrics from the '60s and '70s. F., whose curly coiffure was covered by a black fedora hat, happily posed for pics on the black, grunge carpet outside Avalon.

 

Inside, however, Fergie's peeps were singing a different tune: no photographs of the glam-gal on stage. 

Yo, what gives?

Well, according to one grossed-out photog, the no-photo rule is a result of Fergilicious' tendency to pee on herself during live gigs.

"I have seen her do this in the past," says one of the lens guys who was cast aside right before the performance began—"something about giving it her all."  

Luckily, however, Fergie managed to stay dry during the somewhat impressive performance—even with the heavy shakin' of her now notorious humps.

Does Josh buy her waterproof sheets, though, I wonder?

Dear Ted:
You are so rude to be bashing Vanessa Hudgens. Get your stories straight before you go mouthing off. By the way, she probably didn't show up for her first High School rehearsal because she was at Quail Glen Elementary School presenting a check. So, get your damn stories straight before you go mouthing off.
  Lisa

Dear So Off:
Does your mother know you’re reading my column? Sorry if you can’t handle the Awful Truth, kiddo.

Dear Ted:
I read in your column today that Stedman "never" goes to Maui. Although I adore you, I have to let you know that I saw him with my own eyes at the airport in Maui just after Thanksgiving, so he's been there at least once lately!
  M.
  Boston

Dear Frequent Flier:
Just passin' on the goss from across the Pacific. Besides, sure it was Mr. Winfrey you saw? Somethin’ tells me O. don’t fly commercial.

Dear Ted:
Trying to smear the Dalai Lama for enjoying the beauty of flowers was a really cheap shot. He is a truly holy man reverenced by many for his compassion and humility. Stick to Paris Hilton and her ilk for your nasty comments.
  Henry
  Madison, Wisconsin

Dear Tibetan Tiff:
Didn’t mean to offend you, doll, but chill out, already. Nothing wrong with stoppin’ to smell the roses, if you’re a religious guru or goy, right?

Dear Ted:
Love ya babe, but calling a woman a bitch (Oprah for Prez!) is never cute. We're asking rappers to stop calling us that, so the offensiveness of the term is not diminished because my fave gossip maven uses it.
  Christy
  Louisville, Kentucky

Dear Politically Correct:
I call men bitches, too, darling.

Dear Ted:
If I were a wayward celebrity, I'd want Elliot Mintz on my side.
  Ana
  NYC

Dear Mintzed Words:
Pocket-size pit-bull publicists like Elliott are gonna replace Tinkerbell toys as the must-have accessory of choice for these Tinseltown gals with legal troubs.

Dear Ted:
I want to know whatever happened between Jennifer Esposito and Bradley Cooper!  Do you think it has anything to do with Bradley?
  Mia
  Tokyo

Dear Divorce Detective:
I don't think these irreconcilable differences are due to Brad's lack of interest in the sack. In H-town, four months is just about average, ain't it? Besides, from what I hear, it was mutual.

Dear Ted:
Is Fey Ray bringing sexy back?
  Kim
  Gainesville, Florida

Dear Disconnect the Dots:
No, the fruity Fey-man ain't Justin Timberlake. Think less pseudo-butch.

Dear Ted:
Al Reynolds never seems too interested in Miss Jones. Just wondering if you know something we all suspect, but don't actually know.
  Jackie
  Indianapolis

Dear Dubious:
Can you blame the boy? Honestly, would you be gearing for marathon mattress sessions with someone who looks like an overly siphoned librarian fresh from a Macy's makeover?

Dear Ted:
What's wrong with Jennifer Aniston? Why aren't her movies being made? I hope you have the guts to answer these questions truthfully.
  MP
  Los Angeles

Dear Deluded:
She's not that great of an actress, face it.

Dear Ted:
My guess for Whore-tense Past-tense from One Overshot Blind Vice is Jenna Jameson. Love you!
  Angela
  South Bend, Indiana

Dear Indy Chick:
Wrong-a-rooney, hon-pie. Think far less booby and semi-more brainy.

Dear Ted:
Dubya "took potshots" at the queen's age? Oh, Ted, get your facts straight. We all know the Prez is a bumbling, gaffe-prone idiot. That "potshot" was unintentional. You need to correct your inaccurate statement.
  Jean
  St. Louis

Dear Brain-Fart Police:
You’re possibly right, and perhaps G.W.B.’s slip with Liz II could have been Freudian in nature, but I think that’s about as likely as me marrying Prince Andrew.

Dear Ted:
I wanted to give a guess on the Blind Vice for Whore-tense Past-tense. Is it Mischa Barton? She's certainly skeletal, her fashion sense is quite suspect, she doesn't have a TV show anymore and, of course, she dated Brandon Davis for a couple of years.
  Angie
  Portland, Maine

Dear Mischa Misfire:
W.T.P.T. has never been on The O.C.

Dear Ted:
In all seriousness, Ted, what the hell is going on between Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson? They've been photographed together a lot lately, but I seriously do not get a couple vibe from them...at all.
  Nick
  Los Angeles

Dear Doubting:
Oh, please, the byoots are shooting a movie together, and you know how on-set pairings, real or imagined, are always good for publicity. Right, Sienna?

Dear Ted:
Mazel tov on your recent engagement announcement, I hope happiness abounds eternally for you and Jon Powell. What with Brangelina, Vaughniston, Bennifer and the likes, I like the sound of Powted for you and the J.P. man. I didn't want you to feel left out.
  Coco
  Plano, Texas

Dear Jewish Moniker:
Powted? It makes us sound like a fagola dietary supplement, or something. Thanks, though!

Dear Ted:
My cousin and his partner now have three little girls! They just got back recently from a Rosie cruise and had the time of their lives. Any children in your future?
  Martha
  Overland Park, Kansas

Dear Troubled Waters:
Darling, I appreciate the breeder sentiment, but I’ve got a 20-pound cat with bad breath, worse manners and a dirty ass he’s always draggin’ on my white carpet—can’t think I’d do much better with baby humans.

Dear Ted:
You can come up to Canada and get hitched while you're waiting for Ah-nuld to get a clue...or for hell to freeze over, which is a bit more likely!
  Cheryl
  Toronto

Dear Ice-a-nator and Many, Many More:
Thanks so much to the zillions of folks who wished Jon and I such sweet and supportive thoughts—we really were both quite touched. And if this makes some of you feel like losing your cookies right about now, please, whatever you do, aim toward that dude with the bad dye job in Sacramento.