The premiere of Shooter on Thursday night at the Mann Theater in Westwood was, like, a total smorgasbord of juicy gossip and equally juicy-lookin’ dudes, natch. After all, many a hot guy is totally into all this crap with guns, no? (Hey, idiots can be cute, too.) Sizzlin’ star of the crimson carpet, Mark Wahlberg—who plays an ex-sniper accused of killing the prez in Shooter—was primped ‘n’ pumped, lookin’ as doable as ever.
This, despite his unfortunate choice of lip gloss. What the ef was that about? Never mind.
Marky-poo—who was nominated for an Oscar this year—is notoriously known as a sweet-talkin’ man who loves the ladies, so, ‘course I sent my gorgeous blond colleagues, Cristina Gibson and Liza Yorks, to get the salacious scoop. Fellow Bostonian—or Rhode Islander, close enough—L.Y. and Jersey-born man-magnet Gibson were able to schmooze it up with M.W. and squeeze outta those glossy lip, his preference for East or West Coast bootie!
“Well, certainly girls from Boston, but they’re tough,” Mark pooh-poohed without a moment’s hesitation, when Team Flirt inquired which coastal cuties he preferred. But then, he warned, “Girls from Boston will kick your ass. You gotta be on your toes. But there’s a loyalty there that is hard to find.” How touching? But is your baby’s mama from there, Marky Mark no more? Didn’t think so.
Next came the all too inevitable question of the eve. Cristina 'n' Liza asked sniper-boy Mark when in life he most often shoots himself in the foot, as it were—to which he purred in that delicious Boston drawl, “More often than I’d like to admit. That’s why I really like to think before I speak.” Hmmm, semi-interesting.
When asked whether or not J.P. is anything like the evil agent he plays, (I’ve heard things, 'kay?), Rexi quickly jumped to the Pivster’s defense. “Not at all! He’s not that guy. In real life, he’s very gentle. He wants to make himself giggle, or he wants to be in a situation where you make him giggle. So, Jeremy Piven is the giggle guy!”
Jeez, give me lies any day if that pabulum’s gonna be the alternative.
Dear Ted:
Is there any truth to whether Brit tried to commit suicide?
Heather
Maryland
Dear Obvious:
What the ef do you call her existence, as of late?
Dear Ted:
On the comment about John Mayer and Derek Jeter, does the extra little activity they both like to partake in have to do with the wacky tobaccy?
Heather
Lincoln, Nebraska
Dear Stoned 'n' Stuff:
Think more X-rated, my dear. Much.
Dear Ted:
I think K-Fed has been underestimated in our eyes. He is the primary reason Britney is in rehab. His threat to gain custody of the kids was what drove Britney to get help. People in the know are reporting that K-Fed is great with the kids and he's taking care of them while she's gone. What do you have to say for yourself, Ted?
June
Bend, Oregon
Dear Bitchy:
Well, if you love him so much, why don’t you just marry him?
Dear Ted:
Bore-Tense Breathy sounds a lot like Jessica Biel. The wholesome teen-angst drama of 7th Heaven...the Tom Brady.
Carey
Los Angeles
Dear Undercover Lipstick Lover:
Very good guess, albeit a wrong one, darlin’! Think, uh, just as pretty, but a tad less famous.
Dear Ted:
Has everyone noticed in recent pics that John Mayer-Jessica Simpson and Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes look like brother and sister, respectively? Maybe they are so narcissistic that they have finally fallen in love with themselves.
Jay
Naperville, Illinois
Dear You Wish:
Maybe on the first two. But the second? Nah, not unless you changed to uncle and much younger niece...
Dear Ted:
Preen Pumper has got to be Eddie Murphy. Recently divorced after long marriage, getting’ Scary with Spice and that other girl. Plus, his stand-up routine was homophobic and ass-obsessed!
Debbie
Buffalo, New York
Dear Double D.:
Right you ain’t, Debbie-doll. Think younger and more pathetic.
Dear Ted:
Sorry, not buying the Britney "postpartum depression" excuse. Doesn't anyone remember her "breakdown" on Diane Sawyer where she tearfully explained her bustup with Justin? She wasn’t preggers then! The girl goes out and does everything publicly—marriages, breakups, breakdowns! Perhaps Brit needs to take a cue from Demi Moore—buy a house in Idaho and raise the two babies away from Hollywood.
Patti
Buffalo, New York
Dear on to Something:
You’re right. Brit should prolly take the kids and move to Alaska or some crapola like that. Or maybe a sunnier climate would better suit the down-in-the-dumps diva?
Dear Ted:
Easy blind vice: Preen Pumper is Jason Lewis.
Hanna
Linkoping, Sweden
Dear Clever:
Nope, but I can tell you that P.P. is equally, if not more, doable than Mr. Lewis—at least to his swooning fans!
Dear Ted:
For those of us who suffer from some very nasty but common gastric diseases (Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Crohn's disease, Ulcerative Colitis, Colon Cancer), your comment, "the stench is so offensive, people flee when they see him coming" is totally inappropriate. It's hard enough to live with these painful conditions, but to endure ridicule in addition is just wrong. We didn't ask to be sick and did nothing to deserve your comment. I guess your s--t doesn't stink, hmmm?
Deb
Philadelphia
Dear in the S--tter:
Oh, please. Eat my smelly behind on this one, Deb-doll. Political correctness goes too far and begins to really smell on sitches like this.
Dear Ted:
I have been wondering if Britney was suffering from PPD since before her separation from Federline was announced. She is young; she had two children back-to-back, and her marriage was rocky, not to mention the hormonal and physical changes her body went through. Brooke Shields was older, educated and had a better support system, and she still suffered tremendously with PPD. I hope Britney gets the help she needs for her sake and for her children.
Karen
Burlingame, California
Dear Mother Teresa:
I’m sure the partyin', late-night binge drinkin’ and stress from a veddy public divorce all contributed to Ms. Britney’s “breakdown,” as well. I’m not sayin’ she didn’t suffer from the PPD. But if this is even the teeniest bit of a cover-up, lemme be the first to say this: You haven’t seen “mean” yet.
Dear Ted:
Jake Gyllenhaal—Sorta Nottie? I don't care what he wears or how his hair is. Don't even try to say you'd kick him outta bed!
Jen
Long Beach, California
Dear Jake-Jonesin' Jenny:
I never said I would kick that scrumdiddlieumptious hunk o’ man-meat outta my bed, only that he looked par-tick fuggish that day.
Dear Ted:
I saw you on MSNBC last night and I just wanted to tell you that your hair looked great!
Hillary
Clearwater, Florida
Dear Classy:
I call it my just-outta-rehab 'do—very in.
Dear Ted:
I think John Mayer and Derek Jeter are both into autoerotic asphyxiation. Mayer seems like he could be a total freak behind closed doors. If this is incorrect, is what they're doing less freakish or more freakish than AA?
Lynn
Milford, Connecticut
Dear Horny Housewife:
And you’re from Connecticut, ya say? The only thing I can tell you is that what these two are into is a pretty common act between the sheets—not what you’re implying (especially in the Constitution State!).