Cristina Gibson is penning the Awful Truth for Ted Casablanca while he's on vacation. Casablanca will return, probably bitchier than before he left, on Dec. 5.

Britney Spears

James Devaney/

So, the American Music Awards went down last Tuesday at the Shrine Auditorium. Did you all tune in to see Jimmy Kimmel rip Kevin Federline to PopoZão pieces?

I mean, I like to diss K-Fed as much as the next gossip girl, but even I felt a teeny bit bad for him. Britney, who just happened to present after said skit, did too (or so she said later).

After all, gals who live in the same Little Miss Sunshine T-shirt three nights in a row shouldn't throw stones, right? Are you listening, Ms. Spears?
Britney Spears, Paris Hilton


See, you've been out on the town almost every night with new BFF Paris Hilton. And I know girls just wanna have fun and all that single sister stuff, but what about your two tykes, babe? What about your career?

As one of your biggest fans, I gotta say that you're seriously jeopardizing your comeback chances with all this gallivanting. After all, you don't see Whitney Houston out at Hyde with Beyoncé after her split from Bobby Brown. Even Michael Jackson, dubious dude with the questionable parenting skills, recently decided to buckle down and hit the studio with Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas to test some new tracks.

I was curious how celebs at the AMAs favored the odds of these comeback kids—who's got the best shot at success?

Justin Chambers

Nancy Kaszerman/

"Whitney," Justin Chambers, of Grey's Anatomy, answered right away. "I haven't heard her voice in a long time, but it was really amazing. Britney will make another fun song or two."

"Michael? I don't know," he mused. "I just don't know about that man."

Sarah Silverman echoed these sentiments. "I think Michael's done," she said. "But he was great."

I figured pint-size powerhouse JoJo, who's actually a singer herself, must have some insight.

"I think so many people are rooting for Whitney to get back on her feet and wow everyone with that amazing voice," she said. "And I really hope she can.

"Britney's great, but I think that she's just been so in the media so often," she added.

Clearly, the gal is wise beyond her 15 years!

And now, from wise to wisecracks, Teddy C. was nice enough to answer all your bitchin' emails before he left on vacay. So, let's hit the mouthy mailbag!

TomKat Official Wedding Photo

Rogers & Cowan/Robert Evans

Dear Ted:
How long do you give the TomKat marriage?
  Austin, Texas
Dear Curious Chica:
Until Tom finds a femme who's actually shorter than him or the public loses interest— whichever comes first.
Emilio Estevez

David Lodge/

Dear Ted:
You are the best! Nobody does gossip like you, babe! Could Durwood Dope from One Sad, Sidelined Sap Blind Vice be Emilio Estevez? The father (Martin Sheen) and D2 hints tipped me off!
  Knoxville, Tennessee
Dear Det. Dork:
Very close, but no famous family name cigar! Think, uh, a bit less filmic.
Dear Ted:
I just saw you on the Today show, and I couldn't have been more proud if I were your mama. You were so right with everything you said—this TomKat wedding is a total publicity stunt. Shall we start the divorce countdown?
  San Antonio
Dear Delighted Downer:
What's with you folks? You out for blood with Tom 'n' Katie, or what? I say to TomKat: Surprise us all, already! Stay married for years instead of three minutes!
Nicole Kidman

Jim Spellman/

Dear Ted:
Can you tell me—a concerned Australian—what is going on with Nicole Kidman? Does she ever spend time with her kids anymore? Or would it get in the way of Tom's constant videotaping at the local soccer match? Cheers.
  Melbourne, Australia

Dear Down Thunder:
You're onto somethin', Lou-babe. I'm told by Nic's amigas that she's fiercely private about her personal fam time and does not believe in trotting out her kids for every photo op.
Lance Bass, Reichen Lehmkhul

Seth Browarnik/

Dear Ted:
Thank you for bad-mouthing Reichen! I gotta tell you, I couldn't love you more! I have been a friend of Lance Bass' for three years and have never seen him worse off than he is now—all because of Reichen!
  Los Angeles

Dear Too Obvious:
That's like blaming Pam Anderson's greasier phase all on Tommy. Just doesn't work that way, Joey—Lance is responsible for letting R. do to him whatever the hell it is he's currently finagling.
Will Smith

Jean-Paul Aussenard/

Dear Ted:
Would Durwood Dope be Will Smith?
  Albany, New York

Dear Cold As Her Hood:
Hey, doll, Will may have ears that stick out farther than that man's de-lish thighs spread wide, but he's still smokin', don't forget. Think far less successful, as well.
Queen Latifah

George Pimentel/

Dear Ted:
How come you're so boring now? Day after day, the same boring, blond people. What's up with the brothers? Queen L., Jada, Alicia, Will—why don't you write about them for once?
  Los Angeles

Dear Sister in Sass:
All right, babe, as soon as I'm back from vacay, it's up with every non-honky I can get myself to cream over, 'kay?

Dear Ted:
Whoa. Your bit on the Cruise-Holmes wedding was the meanest thing I've ever read. What's your problem? Seriously. Truthfully, I find my interest in Tom Cruise to be increasingly inversely related to my declining interest in the nonsense in your column.

Dear Nasty:
Let's just say I'm channeling a woman's right to do with her body as she sees fit (quite unlike what Mistah C. preaches) every time I pen an item on that talented guy.

Nancy Kaszerman/

Dear Ted:
Is it possible that Renaldo Rim-Me from Three Envelope-Dangling Blind Vices is Usher? I've heard rumors that he's been seen on more than one occasion checking out.
  San Francisco

Dear Whoa, Nellie!:
Stop right there, babe, as Renaldo is so not Mr. Undulating Hips. Think just as dexterous in the midbody area, but certainly less chic.
Lindsay Lohan

Darby Shaw/

Dear Ted:
C'mon're a riot, but lay off Lindsay Lohan for awhile. She needs to get working on being a "serious actress." She can start by lying low, avoiding the "stalkerazzi" and quit hanging out with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.
  Des Moines, Iowa

Dear Midwestern Malcontent:
I know Lindsay darling needs a mother 'n' all, but shouldn't it really be the one who gave birth to her? So, snap out of it, Dina—Lorna's got a point.
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