Alphabet Soup

Christina Mack

What better way to familiarize yourself with all the running jokes and inside shots of The Soup and, this, its companion blog, than through a simplistic rhyming scheme? Please think of this alphabetical poem as less of a journey and more of a humorless learning process. We're all about avoiding fun these days.

A is for Archuletta, it’s likely that he’ll win.

B is for Bonaduce, he usually smells of gin.

C is for the Chihuahua, Lou makes our show complete.

D is for Dutch Oven, in which we’ll cook his meat.

E is for the Eagle Man, and the insurance he bequeaths.

F is for Sir Flavor Flav, how does he brush those teeths?

G is for Good Morning, in the news this morning, good morning.

H is for The Hills, et al, their lives serve as a warning.

I is for I Love New York, it’s like an anti-Spike Lee.

J is for Jewbacca, is he offensive? Very likely.

K is for Kardashians, a big ass and a sex tape.

L is for La Madrastra, where mascara makes escape.

M is for the Maxi-Pad, dancing with Mankini.

N is for No No Nu-Nu, Gi-Gi, Ju-Ju Panini.

O is for Oprah of course, because she simply wills it.

P is for the Pickle Girl, her bib covered in dill spit.

Q is for the QVC, Jeanne Bice’s mad bedazzler skill.

R is for The Real World, is that show even on still?

S is for Sanjaya’s fan, the girl in pigtails, crying.

T is for Tila Tequila, while feminism’s dying.

U is for the Unicorn, tattooed on Joel’s chest.

V is for Va-Jay-Jay, as per Oprah’s request.

W is for Willard Scott, he often needs translating.

X is for Xenu, Hail!, all Thetans Operating.

Y is for Yo Gabba Gabba, no one dances like Nathaniel.

Z is for Zeacrest, yeah, I know this poem really ends poorly.

(Yes, sure, you probably could do better. Feel free to put your own similarly constructed rhyming couplets in the comments section below. We'll judge you, but only very, very harshly.)

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