Paris Hilton

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Paris Hilton hits the streets of London in a sheer top, showing off her li'l colonies. Nice gesture, P.H., but totally unnecessary. The U.K. is our ally. No need to engage in biological warfare.

Oh, and for the record, Paris, when you do a live radio interview, people can hear you. Keep that in mind next time you tell a DJ that Kim Kardashian’s butt looks like “cottage cheese inside a big trash bag,” OK?

What’s going on with Nicole Kidman’s bitty bump? Our guess: Keith Urban is 3 feet tall. There are stilts or something stuck into his cowboy boots, so no one has figured this out yet. But when that child emerges from her goddess womb, Nicole Kidman will have birthed a hobbit.

Beyoncé tells her family she’s going to retire after her next album. Jay-Z has “retired” like 50 times. Think that in the Z household, "retirement" is some kinky form of foreplay?

Rob Lowe’s former nanny goes on the Today show with her attorney, Gloria Allred. Because nothing says “I’ve been wronged” like working the talk-show circuit with Media Whore, Esq. at your side. BTW, Rob, if you really do touch yourself in front of nannies, we’re available weekdays after 2 p.m., and we’re great with kids.

We do not think David Cook would parade his cancer patient brother around to win American Idol. We do not think David Cook would parade his cancer patient brother around to win American Idol. We do not...Aw, hell. No matter how much we say it, it doesn’t work.
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