Could breakup scuttlebutt 'bout Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck possibly be true? Plus, per usual, Naomi Campbell gets away with it—something you bitch-slappin' readers certainly never seem to let me do, eh?

Jennifer Garner, Ben Affleck

Avik Gilboa/

Terribly unfortunate scuttlebutt has come my way. Sources insist to me that Jennifer Garner is considering splitting up from her hubby, Ben Affleck. Say it ain't so, baby-cakes! Nevertheless, waiting on comment now from both parties. Could this be the reason Jen and Ben are always seen cooing over adorable daughter Violet separately, rarely as one happy family unit? Perhaps. And certainly, those who know the former Alias star well insist Ben's mama has never particularly cared for the gal who broke Michael Vartan's heart to hook up with Benny-Boy in the first place. Waiting on official PR responses to that little familial naughty nugget as, well, for what it's worth. Much has to be divided, I'm told...planes, property. Wonder—if above baddie biz is true—if Benny-boy will be the gentleman Vartan was when he was cast aside? Let's hope. I mean, don't leave Vi-hon with the sitters too long if ya decide to hit the card tables, Mr. A!

Michael Vartan

John Shearer/

However, according to Mr. Affleck's representatives, that gambling escape won't be necessary:  "We usually don't comment on stuff like this," shot Camp Affleck. "But you should know sources are liars. If you guys want to do the right thing, you won't post that item. It's all BS." Really? Interesting, as it's from the same bull-pooping peeps who originally told me Ms. G was moving from Vartan to Affleck, the fickle little femme.

Naomi Campbell

Meanie model Naomi Campbell, ‘course, was ordered to undergo 200 hours of community service for attacking a bunch of Brit cops after hearing her luggage went AWOL at the airport. Did N.C.’s punishment—including a fine of just over four thou—fit the femme’s crime?

No freakin’ way, we say. Nay-babe, as you surely have not forgotten, was busted in '07 with some community service after using a cell phone as a weapon of mass destruction. And what did gal go and do? She wore designer duds, loving every bit of attention while cleaning the streets. Consider this punishment just another fashion show. And please, four thou? Campbie prolly had that in her change purse. That amount ain’t gonna be missed by a millionaire.

Ya know how N.C. will really ‘n' truly learn her lesson? Make her fly in coach next time. Travel’s a bitch, babe, and yet the rest of us suffer through it sans spitting on security or kicking a cop in the shins. If you want a hassle-free flight, next time, pack light.

Katie Holmes, John Holmes

Jim Spellman/WireImage

Dear Ted:
Any chance Katie Holmes is related to the late "great" John Holmes? They both hail from Ohio. Both tall, skinny, dark hair. Maybe Tom was hoping...oh never mind.
  Valley Village, Calif.

Dear Sherlock Holmes:
If Kate and John were related, she prolly would have inherited his acting talent.

Dear Ted:
You were far too kind to Billy Ray Cyrus. Shades of Single White Female, he's trying to morph into Keith Urban. Perhaps in vain hopes of reviving his achy-breaky career, lest Miley's not survive to adulthood?

Dear Urban Myth:
If B.R.C. did morph into Keith, bet Nicole Kidman wouldn’t even know the difference.

Miley Cyrus

Gregg DeGuire/

Dear Ted:
Why do celebrities always have C-sections instead of natural deliveries? Are they all getting tummy tucks as the babies pop out, or is there a serious herpes infestation in Hollywood?
  Bellevue, Ohio

Dear What’s the Skinny:

Robin Williams

Frederic Injimbert/

Dear Ted:
Is Fart-Coif Cretin from One Stalled-In-Every-Way Blind Vice Robin Williams? I sure hope not, but fear it is so.
  Jonesboro, Ga.

Dear Funny Honey:
You have nothing to fear but cryptic fear itself, 'cause it ain’t Williams. This dude def will never score an Oscar like R.W. did. Trust.

Knocked Up: Katherine Heigl

Suzanne Hanover/Universal

Dear Ted:
I think it's Katherine Heigl’s way of sticking it to the writers! I speculate that she's teaching them a lesson: When you behave badly (strike), you don't get treats (Emmy). I cannot regard this gesture as a humble one since she has not shown humility in the past. Knocked Up was an awesome movie, no thanks to her.
  Alexandria, Va.

Dear WGA:
Bet K-babe was trying to make a point: Write me some better material, dammit. Guess what, Heig-hon: Don’t be surprised if your character gets killed in a freak falling-anvil accident. It’ll win her another Emmy!

Nicolas Cage

Steve Granitz/WireImage

Dear Ted:
Nic Cage
's place in New Orleans is beautiful and well kept but uninhabitable because it's haunted. Many slaves were tortured and murdered there by a corrupt doctor and his evil wife. And if I were Brad and Angelina, I'd sell my house, too. Everyone in New Orleans knows where they live. There's no way they can have any privacy there. Who could live like that?
  New York City

Dear Hauntin’ Me:
Brangelina, darling.

Mike Myers

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
Is Fart-Coif Cretin Mike Myers?
  Rio de Janeiro

Dear Blind Guru:
M2’s got enough probs with people in the Industry; one more bitchfest and he’ll be booted from H’wood forever. No, our guy’s even less loved, believe it or not.

Dear Ted:
Just caught Truth, Lies & Ted for the first time and loved it! Is that your house you're filming it in? Loved your wedding pics. You guys look sooo happy!
  McMinnville, Ore.

Dear Debbie Not-So-Downer:
Thanks, babe, and yes, that’s chez Ted ‘n’ Jon.

Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
What's with Pamela and Tommy? They are off and on faster than the "Happy Hooker's" bra! Can they make up their minds!

Dear Knocker, Knocker, Who's There?
They’re porno lust tale is far from over. Must love the makeup sex.

Dear Ted:
Thanks for the kind words about Iowa. It's been a difficult last week for so many people. Iowans are known for pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, but so many people will need other support and help. Thanks for getting the word out.
  Iowa City, Iowa

Dear Worthwhile Cause:
Hope it’ll help, hon.

Dear Ted:
Thanks, Ted, for putting in the plug to our local Red Cross Chapter.
  Hills, Iowa

Dear Painting the Town Red:
Anytime babe. Here it is again:

The American Red Cross, Grant Wood Area Chapter
P.O. Box 10375
Cedar Rapids, Iowa 52410

Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhaal

Ciao Pix/

Dear Ted:
Correct me if I'm wrong, but in your recent Truth, Lies, and Ted video, there are at least two comical clues as to why Jake and Reese will not be living passionately ever after. One clue was visual, the other verbal, but both reaffirmed your status as gossip's most clever columnist! Kudos!
  Dover, N.H.

Dear Between the Lines:
Was that when I was cleaning out the cat litter?

JC Chasez

John Shearer/

Dear Ted:
I was watching reruns of America's Best Dance Crew this weekend, and I think judge J.C. Chasez just came out of the closet thanks to his wardrobe.
  Torrance, Calif.

Dear N’Style:
He needs to go back in and fetch a more fetching outfit.

Dear Ted:
Love the column, Ted! Especially Sex, Lies and Ted! Great to see you in the flesh again, baby. I've noticed a few let's say "dubious" pairings in H'wood. How many reasons are there for a phony romance? Particularly when it is a serial occurrence?
  New York City

Dear Repeat Offender:
First off, it’s Truth, Lies and Ted. Sex, Lies and Ted would be quite a different show, but glad to see where your mind is going. And faux-mances are all formed for one thing: publicity.

Lindsay Lohan, Samantha Ronson

John Sciulli/, Maury Phillips/

Dear Ted:
Can we stop talking about and looking at Lindsay Lohan? She's boring. So she's making out with girls now—big deal! What I don't get is, if you are going to start going to chicks, why can't you find a better looking one?

Dear Living Lohan:
Beauty is in the eye of the bi-holder, babe.

Carrot Top

Denise Truscello/

Dear Ted:
I think just about every man in Hollywood has been suggested for Toothy, so there is only one guy left: It’s gotta be Carrot Top! Please Tedly, tell us someday soon—I might be dead by the time you spill...
  El Paso, Texas

Dear Not the Top:
Don’t insult the annals of this column’s beauty, darling, please.

Chevy Chase

Rich Schmitt/

Dear Ted:
Fart-Coif is Chevy Chase! He gave our college commencement speech...all he talked about were erections and drugs.

Dear Thrill of the Chase:
Funny, that’s the kind of info ya wanna get when you enter college, not when you’re leaving. C2 it ain’t, tho, sorry.

Dear Ted:
Do you really weld? I totally love you!
  Los Angeles

Dear Steely Fan:
Yes, beats lighting up what I used to.

Matt LeBlanc

Vera Anderson/WireImage

Dear Ted:
F.C. is too easy. It's what's-his-face from Friends? Joey or whatever his real name is.

Dear Friendly Reminder:
Joey was played by Matt LeBlanc, and having his name mentioned in this reply is more press than the dude’s gotten in years. Bet M.L. would love to be a Blind Vice to prove he’s still got it. In any case, think way, way less attractive.

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