Wipe your noses fast, honeys, 'cause Blind Vice Friday has Fart-Coif Cretin doing blow in public and ruining what's barely left of his career—just another day in debauched T-town, I'm tellin' ya! Also, why Madonna and Angelina Jolie should be very, very nervous, yikes!

Mike Myers

O'Neill/White/INFphoto.com

"Yeah, I'm going to give Justin Timberlake love advice, 'cause he needs help...the gals don't like him so much,” Love Guru star Mike Myers, tiny, cute 'n' nebbish in an almost elegant way, exclusively told us at the LG premiere, about which we've got much more Monday. Like, perhaps, why Mikey's the real one with love woes? Hmmm. Is that because he doesn't have a penis the size of Katherine Heigl's...ego? Perhaps. Let's dish then. Meanwhile, others sure are willing to blab it all:

Madonna

Dimitrios Kambouris/WireImage.com

It’s def the season for tell-alls, folks, and they seem to be getting juicer and juicier, each one-upping the one before. What's apparently due next on the new-releases rack? Madonna's brother Christopher Ciccone’s memoir about his sis and all her scandals—OK, maybe not all of them, unless he plans on writing a 50-part series. Must smart big-time when your own flesh ‘n' blood is willing to share some secrets for all those willing to queue up at Barnes & Noble. But we’ve seen a lot of Madge—Lady M willingly bared every nook and crease in her Sex book back in the day, lest we forget—so what could there possibly be that Maddy wouldn’t own up to herself? Chris-babe’s definitely a lot closer to his subject matter than Andrew Morton ever was to Tom Cruise while writing his tome, but we bet there’s something that's still kept hush-hush in the Ritchie house. Maybe he’s got the final word on her and Guy’s marriage, that’s about the only thing M’s not fessing up to.

Christopher Ciccone

Jean Baptiste Lacroix/WireImage.com

Madge-hon hasn’t exactly been on the best of terms with Chris, since she’s gotten all British proper and he still hasn’t come completely clean from his own probs. Don’t hard times usually pull fams closer together? Guess not when one is the most famous female performer in the world and she ain’t sharing her millions with a jilted member of the family.

Angelina Jolie, James Haven

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

We can def sniff out the next celeb bro to join Christopher on a bitter book-writing revenge plot. Like James Haven, sibling to another ridiculously famous femme: A. Jolie. Jamie went from lip-lockin’ his sis at the Oscars to being flung on top of the trash heap along with Angie exes Johnny Lee Miller and Billy Bob Thornton. J.H. hasn’t been seen with his celeb sis in quite some time, but he has been out and about with daddy Jon Voight. Now, A.J. has said she’s started to make amends with J.V., more as friends than father and daughter, but old wounds ain’t healing fast, and we bet Jolie-hon ain’t exactly thrilled her bro is spending some quality time with her failed father figure.

There’s obvs some sibling fallout we’re itching to get to the root of. After being salivary inseparables for so long, how come Jamsie isn’t being flown first class to France to be there when Angie-babe gives birth (which hasn’t happened yet, so stop kidding yourselves, ET)? Sure, ya think Angie & Co. are so down-to-earth because they donate and volunteer like missionaries or martyrs, but these are the same spoiled celebs who spend stupid amounts of money on French villas and overpriced furniture their kids will eventually stain with Kool-Aid. Once you get too big for your britches, say buh-bye to all the little people, even your own fam. Jen Aniston spends more time with the Pitt clan than Brad does nowadays, as he, Angie and the kids jet from one country to another. Angie-kins better pick up a phone soon and give James a catch-up phone call, or she’ll be reading all about some incestuous kissing secrets in next year’s bestseller.

Seann William Scott

Marianna Day Massey/ZUMApress.com

Seann William Scott, attending a screening of his latest comedy, The Promotion, in Miami on a Monday night. The Stifler stud wore dark jeans, a très metro silver jacket, a black New Yawk Yankees cap and some man scruff on his mug. After the flick’s finale, he and director Steven Conrad got into B.E.D.—the nightclub, you mind-wandering horndogs—where Seanny-babe signed every autograph asked for by the man-hungry fans. Wonder if they were just asking him for Ashton's number? Hanging out Hamptons style was...

Josh Duhamel

Lester Cohen/WireImage.com

Josh Duhamel, partying at Pink Elephant on a Saturday night in Southampton. Joshie-kins donned a white button-down shirt, jeans and a dark green hat, traveling to the tip of L.I. sans his fiancée, Fergie. A celeb couple that can stand to be more than a millisecond apart? More shocking than Ferg-babe’s notorious onstage accident, fer sure. It’s prolly better Fergs was absent from the club, since the singer’s got a history of abusing substances and such. We sure hope J.D. was ever the gent while his gal was out of his sight. Living large elsewhere on Long Island was...

Travis McCoy

Jamie McCarthy/WireImage.com

Travis McCoy, the frontman for pop-rock-R&B group Gym Class Heroes, performing at La Playa around 1 a.m. before partying late into the night a block away at elite party promoter Pavan Pardasani’s mansion. Trav-babe, who's dating up-and-coming pop crooner Katy Perry (tho we doubt her hit “Ur So Gay” is about her hot b-f), partied well into the night, despite previously admitting via his blog that he’s suffering from several lifelong drug addictions. Is it possible to just dance substance-free at a Hamptons bash? Where else?

Gary Busey

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Oh, and for those of you who are busy doing what they shouldn’t necessarily be doing, have you heard Gary Busey’s a friggin’ counselor on Dr. Drew’s rehab show, which I love? Really sick. Not the show, but Busey’s casting. Really, lawyer-lovin' Tom Cruise would make more sense. As if this freak (Busey, not Cruise) should be advising stellar living to anybody. Don’t believe me? Check out what he did to one of our very own here at E! Online. It’s all at Truth Lies and Ted (click play on the video above to the right), the place to be when you’re being delivered BS elsewhere, natch.

Jessica Alba

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Jessica Alba joined the superexclusive club of celebrity MILFs with the birth of her first daughter, Honor. If you aren't familiar with the term MILF, then you probably haven’t watched Living Lohan or Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. Shame on you. (And if you are familiar with the term, check out this little quiz to find out which celeb MILF you're most like.) Anyway, it’s basically a cougar with kids you’d wanna canoodle with, to use the most PG definition available. It’s a pretty lewd way to describe a lady, if you ask us. Unless, of course, you level the playing field and include dudes in on the to-do list.

Luckily for all the stargazers out there who aren’t the type to admire Alba-babe in a bikini, almost every H’wood MILF comes complete with a DILF. Here are a few of our fave doable dads, in celebration of Father’s Day, comin’ up this Sunday (consider that your last reminder, hurry up and mail that mushy nonsense):

Gavin Rossdale

Kelly Owen/ZUMAPress.com

Gavin Rossdale: We always see the gorgeous Gavie swinging tiny Kingston onto his humpy shoulders, enjoying a mano a mano outing, clearly OK with the moniker "Mr. Gwen Stefani" while mommy’s either out on tour or designing fabulously ridiculous new threads. The Bush babe even has a solo album coming out, tho we’re more than happy to have Gwennie’s hot hubbie be a full-time stay-at-home dad since he’s doing such a good job.

Hugh Jackman

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMApress.com

Hugh Jackman: He’s adopted two supercute kids, Oscar and Ava, after his wife Deborra-Lee, who's divine, sadly suffered two miscarriages. H.J. clearly loves being a hands-on pops, since we always see photos of him running around with them on an Aussie beach. Course, we’re lookin’ in the first place ‘cause Hugh-hon ain’t wearin’ a shirt, yum!

Matt Damon

Jamie McCarthy/WireImage.com

Matt Damon: This talented, down-to-earth, self-deprecating father first became a stepdad to wife Luciana's daughter, Alexia, then the couple had baby girl, Isabella. They’re expecting another child together (could you take your hands off this handsome man?), and if it comes out looking like Sarah Silverman, we’ll be shocked.

David Beckham

Stuart Robinson/Express UK/ZUMA Press

David Beckham: Dave-babe might be one of the most famous men on planet Earth, but between soccer matches and endorsement deals, he spends some quality time with sons Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz, three boys who are gonna break a bevy of hearts when they’re old enough. D.B.’s become way too hot—in a natural way—for his Posh wife-unit nowadays. Was there ever a contest.

Joel Madden

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

Joel Madden: Our tastes range all over the board, and we’ve got a sweet spot for the better lookin’ Good Charlotte twin. He’s one of those tattooed types, like Beckham-babe, who happens to be a teddy bear on the inside—J Maddy can’t stop talking about his baby girl, Harlow. And if someone can actually tame a spoiled socialite, all Eliza Doolittle style, then you know he’s gonna raise a proper young hon and not, well, a Nicole, circa 2005.

Blair Underwood

Jeffrey Mayer/WireImage.com

Blair Underwood: Why the hell doesn’t this hottie get more work? No wonder he’s busy procreating in his spare time. And what a lovely daddy to save the planet with, eh? Three, so far, darling babes are the result. Keep on savin’ us, Blair-babe, is all we’ve got to say.

Blind Vice: Version 3

E! Networks/Comcast Entertainment Group

Oh dear, as if Fart-Coif Cretin hasn't already alienated enough factions in this town (not to mention the world), the pitiful pooftah seems now hell-bent on snorting, sealing and delivering himself right into oblivion, so sad. But, not really. He's hilariously hideous!

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