I'm Every Woe

Hold onto your Bentleys, guess which insanely rich clan is furious at Paris Hilton's fam. I know, I know, take a number. Plus, Ashlee plays up Preggers-Gate, Michael Jackson's more desperate than Kathy Hilton, and Whitney may not be back. Say it ain't so, please!

I think we may have a new reality show on our hands (like we need it, but whatev). Remember I Want to Be a Hilton? Getting the feeling that the wildly unpopular offering from Kathy Hilton on how best to fake your way into Los Angeles society (a misnomer in itself, at best) is going to be resurrected and reinvented soon? Though the queen of ersatz herself may not want to hear about it. Now, it's just a hunch here, really, but think the new show might be called I Want to Besmirch a Hilton. Just a hunch. Read on:

Did ya catch Kathy Hilton going on (and on) about that sorry-ass version of a stud-pup Benji Madden and her daughter Paris in Vegas Luxe Life mag? No? Cannot believe you missed it. I mean, isn’t VLL right up there with the latest ABC specials and Vanity Fair layouts, posh-media-wise? Just can’t imagine why Barbara Walters wasn’t that keen on hearing Kath-love’s latest mouthings-off regarding her infamous daughter? But that’s a diff story than the one we’ve got here. Yeah, this baby’s about past—and most pissed—affections.

Remember when Paris H. and Paris Latsis were engaged? Sure ya do. There was a Vanity Fair spread (back when the mag was into things Hilton), news over the gargantuan rock Paris gave Paris and talk of Ms. H “settling down,” finally, after her wild-child ride. But suddenly West Hollywood lives of the rich and infamous intervened, and Paris broke the marriage plans in favor of a string of law-breaks and bad-boy interactions. The Latsis family had never liked Paris (or her mother), and were relieved—so key members told me at the time. This after a media blitz of how extraordinarily in love and perf the two overly spoiled offspring were for each other.

And now, via a woman who is closer to the Latsis, megarich clan than Kathy Hilton is to social climbing, I’m told some more-pop-culture-aware Latsises are “furious” that Mrs. Hilton is now giving interviews with such claims as, “I really think [Paris is] genuinely in love for the first time,” and what a lovely, wholesome, healthy boy Benji is.

“Paris is the one who was the unhealthy influence on Paris,” spat the Latsis insider. “And that woman. She was un-bear-able,” further hissed Desk Latsis, regarding the exchanges Mama Hilton had with the famous shipping heirs during the world-famous Paris-on-Paris courtship. “How can she talk good influences?”

Because even though she isn't anywhere near as loaded as the Latsises, she’s still Bel-Air rich and can rewrite history if she wants to. I’d say that’s about accurate. Speaking of being blind to what’s more obvious than what some privileged folks want to realize, read on:

Ash Simpson, ‘course, has been vague on blasting these oh-so-rampant preggers rumors, carefully avoiding a “no” when MTV straight up asked her. Is the gal toying with us? All this baby brouhaha is keepin’ her name in the press, just in time for, shock, her new album to drop! Nothing helps promote a record with the preteen demographic like gettin’ premaritally pregged up. Then again, maybe she’s providing only hazy answers ‘cause she hasn’t told Petey he’s a papa yet? Now that make for an awkward engagement party.

The busiest non-Fergie member of the Black Eyed Peas, Will.i.am (that name is less fun to type than it is to say), caught a showing of the Beatles-Cirque du Soleil mashup/mind-ef LOVE while in Sin City. Simple tourist theater trip for the rapper-producer? Or maybe he took in some tunes as a means for a muse? Will-babe is in Vegas working on Michael Jackson's new album at Caesars Palace—no better place to focus on work than at a casino, of course. First up, hey, W, don’t you have your own band to blast out new songs? Or has the Dutchess been stealing more and more 15 minutes for her famed solo work, another way in which Ferg-hon has been shadowing every move Gwen Stefani makes?

Secondly, we’re beside ourselves wondering why M.J.’s even attempting a comeback, certainly with the likes of Will producing and Kanye West for cameos. Mikey must be grasping trying to strike it behemoth again with a young audience, snatching up anyone who's hot on the Billboard charts willing to collab with him. (Personally, we recommend giving Katie Holmes a ring—an aging Tom Cruise did, wisely, knowing the young-uns would take notice.) Jacko’s last musical effort of brand new material was 2001’s Invincible, which proved everything but, barely cementing a hit single. Hasn't this oft-prosecuted hermit got enough merde going on in his daily life? Is an album really a priority right now? Nobody’s asking for some new tunes when they’re perfectly content busting a move to your old stuff, which, compliments to your former genius, still drives a crowd crazy. Leave remixes and interpretations of your classics to everyone else, and stick to denying molesting minors. Or actually, don’t do that either. Just stop everything altogether.

The above bothered biz sure sounds like a familiar sitch...We thought the same about Britney attempting a return—that recording while her life was unraveling around her was bad timing and unnecessary, since we’re still lip-synching “Slave 4 U” into our hairbrushes. However, whether we give kudos to Spears or her producers, Blackout wasn’t a bustup, so ya never know which effort will be worth it.

We aren't so sure about the infinitely forthcoming comeback of one Whitney Houston—this babe could go either way. Sure, she looked fab at Clive Davis’ Grammy’s preparty...back in February, mind you, but ain’t it April? Ya gotta give us something else to get off on in the meantime, Whit,' cause we’re getting impatient while you take your sweet-ass time finishing those studio sessions. Why not jump back into the cinematic saddle and tackle a terrific tailored-for-you film role again? Tyler Perry should be on your speed dial. He def helped your pop-music rival Janet Jackson out by casting her in Why Did I Get Married? Just stay away, far away, from those reality shows, unless it’s guest mentoring on American Idol.

Just some very unasked-for suggestions, dear, as we hear—more ‘n’ more—that this “comeback” project of yours is taking an awfully long time to materialize. So much so, it just might not come at all. True?

Brittany Snow, diving into some delicious Pinkberry on Melrose Avenue on a Saturday. Way to celebrate your horror flick opening at number one, blondie-babe! The Prom Night starlet slurped up the yum barely there yogurt in a black frock and big combat-style boots, very neo-femme. B.S.’s hair was extension-less and supershort, much shorter than the coif of her alternative-appearing male companion. Now, gotta say, some people noticed the actress but didn’t approach her—that’s how captivating Pinkberry is, trust. I don’t get it, but whatev. Avoiding all types of decadent desserts was...

Tatum O’Neal, all sleek in bangles, black everything and flats, lookin’ sexy with a way younger, dark-haired dude, strutting around WeHo. The Sex & the City star and O’Neal fam survivor seemed most upbeat, quite unlike dad Ryan, who’s standing helplessly by while his ol' Farrah flits back and forth between Germany, fighting the badass C. Far cheerier, and just as gonzo up as Tatum was...

Jared Leto, hiking Runyon Canyon on a sunny, mucho hot Sunday. Yeah, there’s more to T-town than broken dreams and casting couches—there’s also nature. Who knew? The sometimes rocker, sometimes actor, always irritating (kidding, but not really, now that I think about it) J.L. wore a flannel shirt in the 90-degree heat, sweatin’ off the very last of that Chapter 27 gut. He ran Runyon with a workout buddy, and he talked about his band the whole way down. Bud must have been a paid companion-trainer of sorts, otherwise I’m sure he would have told the 30 Seconds to Mars man to can it, already. No one approached Jar-babe, prolly 'cause they couldn’t recognize his baby blues behind a pair of serious shades.