Barking Mad!

Which Blind Vice babe who sure knows her way round a boy’s nether regions doesn't know bupkes 'bout caring for her doggies—often to disastrous results? Plus, Dr. Phil goes to counterattack extremes, while Katie Holmes buds battle the preggers reports. It's a little tense!

The “doc” is getting worried. Dr. Phil, in case you’ve been hiding under a rock the size of Amy Winehouse’s platinum beehive that makes her look 79 years old, has been getting it right, left and shiny pate center from the world, it appears, so pissed at him for daring to see Britney in the hospital last weekend, they all seem to be. Lynne Spears, total Benedict Arnold and Satan mama she be, is now claiming she’s distressed by how Phil tried to finagle a show outta the visit. Strange. Particularly when that’s precisely what L.S. wanted to get outta the deal in the first place, so sources close to the original boob-tube doc doings tell us. 

“She knew that was a strong possibility along,” sniffed a prime Phil mover ‘n’ shaker who's in on the infamous hospital stopover. “She’s just trying to save her ass now.”

So, too, would be the McGraw man, it seems. Whereas only a few high-up worker bees on the Paramount show had to previously sign confidentiality agreements, now the entire staff has been forced to sign them, very knowledgeable know-it-alls gab to us. “Right after all this Britney mess really began to hit.” Getting that uncomfortable for ya, Dr. P? Was the rehab stab at ratings really worth it? Some of your closest advisors tell us, uh, no. Because things are looking to get much worse. Jeez. Good thing those confidentiality jobs don’t really work, huh? (For us, we mean.)

Dr. Phil’s shameless valet-parking behavior and professional licensing issues to get to Monday, but first, must weigh in on matters even weightier than Dr. P—and we mean that in every possibly bitchy fashion, doctor to the overweight and such.

Meaning, earlier in the week, our more posh sports sources say they witnessed Katie Holmes right next to them at a Seahawks game in Seattle. K, these butch peeps insisted, had a most pronounced baby bump. Holmes’ reppers had absolutely no comment whatsoever, which was hardly the surprise, what with Ms. H currently being so busy these days acting as the devil spawn provider to Tom Cruise, L. Ron Hubbard and the rest of the Church of Scientology, according to Brit smut-meister Andrew Morton and his “tell-all” book on Cruise, due shortly.

So, other babes superclose (absolutely no merde here) to the Ohioan hon gabbed to us ‘bout Missus Cruise number three. “She’s not pregnant,” one gal crony to K.H. insisted. “Otherwise, she wouldn’t be making her next movie in February.”

Not sure that’s any de facto preggers denial. I mean, remember that fab bathing suit scene Julia Roberts shot in Charlie Wilson’s War, when her character slinks outta her Texas mansion's pool in a little two-piece, looking luscious and so lithe? Uh-huh, that one. Well, Roberts was pregnant while filming it. Diff women show at diff times, ‘course.

Nevertheless, the Holmes amiga (who’s not a mechanical, snitty shoe purveyor at all) repeated, “Katie is not pregnant.” Less sure was the Holmes insider regarding Kate-babe’s next movie, The Other Side, a sci-fi thriller costarring Scientology chums Jason Lee and Giovanni Ribisi, among other like-minded thespians.

Other’s about a bookish scientist played by K.H. (love Katie in specs, don’t you?) who discovers simply mad things on a deserted island, like maybe how Andrew Morton was drinking a Britney Spears-mixed cocktail when he wrote his Tom tome? Kidding! Let’s hope Katie-babe at least wears a bikini or two for her beach scenes, ‘cause we simply cannot have Roberts showing up Holmes, as far as the with-child va-va-voom shots go.

Oh, that’s right, forgot, Katie’s not preggers—must be different from Nicole’s camp, which just barked the same thing for, like, ages, until it was confirmed?

Green P.S.: Apparently, Other’s a bit in limbo now anyway. Film sources tell us the flick hasn't yet got its financing lined up. Katie may be off the near-nudie hook after all.

Word on the celluloid street is that the action-horror flick Rogue, about a gigantic man-eating crocodile terrorizing Aussies, is all the rage overseas, par-tick in Turkey, where box-office numbers and positive reviews are surprisingly in sync. The Weinstein bros, we're told, actually believe this mutant species movie is America’s next top blockbuster, and they’ve got their sights on a Memorial Day weekend release. At least, that’s what we hear.

Good news for star hottie Michael Vartan, who hasn’t exactly made headlines for anything other than being dumped by Mrs. Ben Affleck. A $100 mil hit could push Mikey V onto the A-list. Lest you think we’re soaking up all this hype for absolute truthiness, we’re not exactly convinced. The creature-outta-control premise sounds a little bit more attuned to something about Britney Spears on Lifetime, we think.

This one ain’t sexy, just letting all you vicarious vampers know that right up front. It's wrong and it's gross, period. But, of course, crimes of many kinds just keep on keepin' on in this freak-filled town. Today’s depraved doggy Blind Vice is proof. Check it out, if you dare.