Guess which supposedly gallivanting H'wood bachelor is secretly being quite domestic, stork-style ‘n’ all? Plus, who’s got it in for Tom Cruise, still, and who’s Paris hot for this time? All in a day’s gab, my Awful afficionados...
Scott Baio

Jean-Paul Aussenard/WireImage.com

You may remember Scott Baio from childhood faves such as Happy Days, but he's all grown up now and is starring in his own VH1 reality show, Scott Baio Is 45...and Single. Do you even care? Don't answer that. Instead, read on (don't worry: debauched heiress juice—one guess who!—is delivered later in the column):

For anyone like moi who has no idea what Scottie's shoo is about, I'll give ya the quick rundown: In each episode, Mr. Bee and his "life coach" confront an old flame in order to figure out what, exactly, went wrong, and, why, exactly, Scott's so lonely these days. Lindsay Lohan's latest wrecked Mercedes and the recovery of those assaulted Sunset Boulevard shrubberies are looking better and better, right?

Renee Sloan

Jean-Paul Aussenard/WireImage.com

Oh, by the by, I've got closerthancondom Baio sources dishing that Chachi ain't so lonely, after all. In fact, these insiders turn out to be of the nonsheathed variety, as they're insisting to yours truly that the smallish '70s muffin is not only very much together with Playboy Playmate Renee Sloan, but they're expecting, to bootie!

The former Pam Anderson Baywatch body double is supposedly delivering a little bundle of Baio joy in about five month's time, give or take a Single airing. I'm told the ecstatic couple's expecting a baby girl who will most likely be named Bonnie—but everything's hush-ass right now, as Single execs don't want the show's premise blown before it's time.

See, no episodes of this "reality show" ( a small-screen sitch Baio, by the by, swore he'd never embark on) have been viewed by audiences, so far.

Oh, hell, nobody expects the real thing in the boob-tube biz any more, so VH1 should just relax and say congrats along with moi!

Tom Cruise

Ash Knotek/Snappers/ZUMApress.com

Oh, uh, Tom? Got a sec? Yeah, you, Mr. Cruise.

My Andrew Morton cronies tell me Andy's putting the finishing touches on his exposé on you, Mr. Cee. "Very close to finishing" were the exact words I was told by Camp Morton. Oh, really? Certainly have heard this one before.

But  something tells me Morton's really/actually/for real going to deliver the much-gabbed-about Cruise-bashing project (even though I was told this baby was supposed to be here more than a year ago or so). The only real question is:

Will there be anything we haven't really heard before? 'Cause T.C. sues faster than Toothy Tile changes his mind about coming out of the closet.

Adam Levine

Lisa O'Connor/ZumaPress.com

Maroon 5 held an intimate press conference at the House of Blues in T-town the other day. They announced dates for their upcoming tour. I must admit, I pranced up to the Strip mainly to catch a glimpse of the lead singer, 'cause, in my opinion, he's one of the sexiest bachelors alive—name's Adam Levine.

I've always enjoyed M5, but kinda forgot about them until I watched Adam tap his adorable leg while belting it out. And if plain ol' horniness won't be enough to get your ass in front of Levine & Co., get this: For every ticket Maroon 5 sells, a dollar will be donated benefiting the environmental group Global Cool.

Adam described it as a way for "us" to pay back for all of the nasty, polluting emissions put out into the environment. Sigh, how presh. The boys will be busy promoting internationally until they kick off the tour with the Hives Sept. 28 in Detroit.

Political P.S.: Honk if you or your significant other drives a hybrid! Mine does! Can you hear us beepin' away like crazy at your saggy, gas-guzzling bum, Gov. Ah-nuld?

Dina Lohan

Dan Herrick/ZUMapress.com

Dina Lohan, squawking and gawking at the tabloids poolside. Lindsay's momager was spotted Monday at the Loew's Hotel in Santa Monica, workin' on her tan and catchin' up on the gossip. Sunglassed spies say Dina, in a Lindsay-esque white bikini,  was with friends as well as fam, and they were all laughing as they read various rags. No Linds in sunny sight, but apparently, little sister Ali is "just gorgeous," according to a water witness. Also spendin' family time at a touristy favorite was...
Gene Simmons

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Gene Simmons, with his wife, Shannon, and son Nick, dining at Benihana's on La Cienega. The perfectly plastic duo and son were with a bunch of friends, gettin' their hibachi on. "They really seemed to genuinely enjoy each other," says my surprised spy. Gene 'n' Nick sat next to each other, and Nick is "one lean tall dude." Desk KISS also says Nick was busy texting on his cell phone, how typical, but left the table to do so. A slightly more normal father-son duo spotted elsewhere includes...
Jason Lee

Steve Granitz/WireImage

Jason Lee, takin' his tyke, Pilot Inspektor, to the park. The My Name Is Earl star was seen at the Under the Sea indoor playground Tuesday in Burbank. Pilot was bouncing on a rubber ball with another adorable child as the proud papa looked on. Jason was sportin' his normal scruff, a plaid shirt, shorts and socks, as required at the indoor playground. Way to follow the rules! Doin' toddler time nearby was...
Kevin Connolly

Albert L. Ortega/WireImage.com

Kevin Connolly, grabbin' a bite with Tobey Maguire, Spidey's wife, Jennifer Meyer, and their baby Ruby. Mauro Cafe at Fred Segal on Melrose Sunday afternoon. The boys were both casual and dressed down in jeans and tees as they lunched. Wonder if hangin' with the new fam is makin' Kev wanna settle down himself? Flying solo in another city was...
Ally Sheedy

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMAPress.com

Ally Sheedy, traipsin' down Hudson Street in Tribeca. The henna-haired honey seemed to be in the midst of a "heated conversation on her cell" according to fellow pedestrians. The '80s star was in a black tank and low-rise jeans with a leather bag slung over her shoulder. Wonder what got the gal so fired up?
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