Mom 'n' Rotten Apple Pie!

Dina and Lindsay continue to spend some quality time over cuckoo hijinks, Britney binges out of spite for mama Lynne, and Kathy Hilton wins Mother of the Year by default!  Meanwhile, in a twist of fate, Paula Abdul actually manages to dial down the crazy.  Let’s hear it for these gaga girls! 

We’ve got Justin Timberlake’s thoughts on autoeroticism (no joke), but first, let’s hear from just a touch of the foaming masses on the past week's happenin's:

Natalie in Melbourne, Australia:  What the bloody hell is going on? Can Dina Lohan please get some parenting lessons instead of hogging the spotlight from her clearly troubled daughter? (Just letting you know I'm 19, so, it isn't like I’m an old fart complaining about "kids today”!)

Holly in Valencia, California:  I don't know why you're so flabbergasted that Britney Spears is drinking after going to rehab, Ted. She made it pretty publicly (if not moronically) clear that she didn't want to go, didn't think she needed to go and didn't take it at all seriously.

Like I said, the above bitchings are just a tiny fraction of the hoi polloi-powered opinion poll that came in furiously (and unasked for) over the past week—when Britney appeared mucho wobbly in Ef-Hell-Ay and Lindsay used her Mercedes as a lawnmower/hedge-trimmer on fancy-ass Sunset Boulevard. Oy.

And now from the not so public court of pissy opinion: See, Desk Inebriation, my combined contacts within Camps Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, offers explanations of why these gals are in such constant states of snafu (which, I realize, is sort of like calling Rosie O'Donnell vocal, but go with me here, please).

• Britney’s buds say: “She’s just not ready yet,” regarding B.S.’s attempts at rehabilitating her liver and career. This, despite B.S.' painfully personal online humble-pie serving seconds later. “She’s still so pissed at people like her mother, and, until that’s worked out, I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

Girlfriend Spears! Baby-poo, haven’t you heard? Hating your mama is abso-friggin’-lutely the best fuel for zooming back to megastar life. Write a damn song about how mama Lynne took a percentage of your adolescence instead of guiding it—you’ll be the next vitriolic honey job, another Alanis Morissette in no time! I am not kidding here. That woman robbed your precious years, girl. Might as well get some of that cash ‘n’ karma back.

• “She’s just fine,” answered a pal who club-and-private-booth hops with Lindsay, when I asked what the hell happened. “She just hit a curb, that’s all.”

Mind you, this was said at the same moment it was announced Ms. El was re-re-entering rehab, so you can just tell how much this set takes that sobriety stuff seriously. Oh, and what’s in the heavy-footed, reportedly uninsurable femme’s future? L.L. smashing her next poor Mercedes (wonder just how much, exactly, Lohan will have helped increase Germany’s auto-production income by the time she’s completed her vehicular-destruction days?) into the Oscars' red carpet? Hey, that’s probably the only unnatural act that’ll ever get my old dinosaur diva Joan Rivers off that thing—she'll be back after the TV Guide dumping, trust—but that’s another story.

“We wish Lindsay the best,” enthused one of the organizers of Lohan’s big, boozy B-day at Pure in Vegas. Still on? Of course it is! The only event that's going to stop that 100-proof pah-tay will be what Jane Fonda’s been seething about (and less so publicly, these days), for a while now: Lindsay’s demise.

“She hates how no one is taking care of her,” a tight source to Fonda—who's pretty close to seething himself—referring to how Fonda’s Georgia Rule costar has been on J.F.’s mind ever since they worked together. Added my Fonda insider: “She loathes how her mother, Dina, isn’t watching out for Lindsay.”

So do plenty of folks. Yo! Mama Lohan, get your head outta your daughter’s party calendar, already, and act your role for heaven’s sake!

• And lastly in today’s discourse, gotta say as much as I think Paris’ mom, my pal Kathy Hilton, may be ree-dick when it comes to elitist definitions of the law, she does (heatedly) care about whether or not her daughter lives or dies.

Doesn’t appear the same in certain factions of the Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears crowds.

Oh, I don’t know, I may have to torture all you fans o’ nastiness here just a tad. See, just like Justin Timberlake ripped off Janet Jackson’s top all those months ago, I’m going to do a little painful teasing myself. But, so unlike J.T., I’m going to take responsibility for my jackass actions.

See, a while ago, in case you’ve been hiding under a dildo the size of Rosie O.’s enemy list, Justin remarked to Rolling Stone that he wasn’t a “huge fan” of masturbation.

Well, guess what? Like most tumescent-esque males, I happen to know Justin is a fan of spanking, ‘N Sync, as it were, to his body’s own personal needs in the getting-off territory.

Tomorrow will be the big (or not?) reveal! Be here or be horny!