Jeez, what's vampy Eva Longoria Parker taking off this time? Plus, Al Gore doesn't wanted to be bored, Heath Ledger is adored and the cast of the new X-Files movie is abducted by charisma-sucking aliens from Planet Blech!

You know the damning drill. It’s Monday, we’re cranky...Let’s get to the Pissed List, already:

Eva Longoria

George Pimentel/WireImage.com

So Long, Longoria: Oh, please, what is this with Eva Longoria switching her name to Eva Parker? I could puke. Heard about the big-deal charity poker party she’s hosting next month? It’s on some godforsaken ranch outside San Antonio, Texas, which is, after all, an overly patriarchal state, so perhaps she was pressured into dropping the Longoria part of her name so as to be a  good little wifey? Of course, you know and I know that notion’s pig poop and that Eva’s been dying to live her formerly sultry little identity reinvented through the more established, wholesome and legendary persona of her hubby, pro ball player Tony Parker. In case you missed the couple’s preposterously overblown engagement and Paris wedding. I dunno, I think the whole thing smells like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and Mrs. Ritchie—rather desperate. It’s all too too. Where are all the Meryl Streeps? Did you see her become Meryl Streep-Gummer all those years ago? Exactly.

Al Gore

Jerome Ware/ZUMApress.com

So Long, Legit Prez: The real winner of the 2000 presidential run, Al Gore, has no intention whatsoever I’m told by those who currently huddle, work and speak for the dude, of ever again running for that gig. “Why should he?” I was rhetorically asked just the other day by one mucho high-up Gore-ite. “He’s got the Emmy, the Oscar, he’s a Nobel laureate, why would he want to go back to that?” Because we need him? Thanks a lot, Al. Hey, since you’re leaving us high and dry (sort of like Florida did to you, I know), you training any of those gazillion daughters of yours to run for chief one day? Heaven knows we need a chick in the Oval Office pronto. Think about it.

Heath Ledger

Jim Spellman/WireImage.com

So Long, Common Sense: It’s so typical, is it not? In all this glorious (and quite deserved) rediscussion of Heath Ledger’s passing now that the Dark Knight is out, no one seems to be mentioning what the ef killed the Aussie star, i.e., drugs...way too many of them. I mean, when Di got smashed up a decade ago in Paris, the world was out to kill the press corps, blaming our kind for destroying the princess, when in fact, it was a drunken driver who killed the poor gal. And now, nothing at all’s being blamed. It’s just being labeled “tragic” and “too soon” that Heath passed. Look, idiots, it’s called drugging yourself to death. Wake up. I exclaim this entirely respectfully, too, mind you—no one misses his über talents more than I. Superdamn shame.

Miley Cyrus

ANON/Fame Pictures

Au revoir, Virginal Rep: Oh, dear. Miley Cyrus, you’re just not as sugary nice as everyone (just not me) thought, are you? I mean, really: Girls who live in scantily photographed Vanity Fair houses shouldn’t throw YouTube stones at fellow Disney chums whose behavior, or boyfriends, you don’t care for. You’re also an incredibly naive thing, babe. You just made Selena Gomez’s career by not so subtly going after her. Quite honestly, expected more from an ambitious little bazooka-equipped bumpkin like yourself, but you’ll learn these things as you grow older, I’m sure.

Matthew Broderick

Lisa O'ConnorZUMAPress.com

So Matthew Broderick’s cheating with some chick, says Star. Result is an ominous quote from Matthew’s rep that they’re not commenting on the sitch? Isn’t this a tad too convenient, what with all that buzz out there that Matthew’s sure been hangin’ a lot with the gay buds in the Village and less so his wife, supersorta-doable dame, Sarah Jessica Parker? As my fave goss gunners, Page Six-ites, like to say, "Just asking."

Christian Bale

STEPH/Visual/ZUMA Press

Every friggin' day there are more theories as to what went down between Christian Bale & Co. back in London town. Specifically that Christian’s mom was hitting him up for dough and that when he refused, his sis Jenny swooped in and started bad-mouthing C.B.’s wife, Sibi. Some peeps claim the two are having marital problems, but damn who isn’t in this mofo Biz. But even during my last interview with Bale, S seemed to be Bale’s Robin. Although Chris didn’t want to talk about his private life he said, “I’m just smitten with her.” Sibi apparently even shares C.B.’s whacked sense of humor. When asked how she felt about those grotesque scenes in American Psycho, Christian said, “Her favorite scene is me running naked, covered in blood, down a corridor with a chain saw in my hand. She doesn't really understand why everyone found it so controversial.”

 Nothing keeps a couple together like laughing. Just a hunch here. The mom’s doomed way before the wife-unit, fer sure (‘couse, Bale’s own mama also finds Bale’s darker performances to be laugh riots, too, so what the ef do I know?).

Chris Carter

Kevin Parry/WireImage.com

Stopped by the premiere of the new X-Files flick last week. Interesting. But not really. Think Chris Carter must have arranged aliens to abduct any personality whatsoever from his castmembers. Was a desultory affair. Also, sure hope extraterrestrial forces were there because the life was completely sucked out of the entire party:

Gillian Anderson

AP Photo/Dan Steinberg

T.C.: So the plot of this film is probably the best-kept secret in Hollywood, what’s the worst?

 

David Duchovny: "I don’t know. I’m not interested in secrets.”

 

Gillian Anderson: “Oh, I can’t touch that.”

 

Amanda Peet: “I don’t know.”

Oh come on, make something up if you have to! At least creator Carter could state an obvious one as he laughed and said, “That Britney Spears doesn’t wear underwear.” Leave it to the director be mildly entertaining.

 

T.C.: Was there ever a secret about yourself you thought was safe and then it turned out everyone already knew?

 

David Duchovny: “No.”

 

Gillian Anderson: “Most likely.”

 

Amanda Peet: “I don’t know. I really hope not.”

David Duchovny

AP Photo/Dan Steinberg

David was the most decent one to look at, so I attempted to warm him up a bit, as I’m very shallow. Tried to see if talking about the return of Californication would breathe some life into the monotone man. I asked if he could relate to either of his characters, Hank Moody or Mulder, and his answer was titillating: “I don’t know. An actor just tries to figure out a role.”  I could go on, but you get the gist.

 

Maybe the whole crew was glum because they knew their film would have its supernatural ass handed to it by Dark Knight. I mean, the only outside celeb who showed up to support the flick was friggin’ Bai Ling. ‘Nuff said.

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