Could new daddy-to-be Matthew McConaughey be back to some bizarre behavior we haven't seen since his beach-bum, bongs 'n' bongos days? Also, we're almost as pissed as Madonna is toward her book-writing, backstabbing bro. It sure is nasty at A.T. today!

You know the dog drill: It’s Monday. We’re cranky (like you). Let’s bark:

Katherine Heigl

©AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill

It’s High-ghul, Bitch: Katherine Heigl clearly thinks two rom-coms have pulled her out of the drecks of TV acting, since K-babe has yanked herself out of the contention for an Emmy Award. K.H. claims: “I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination, and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the Academy organization, I withdrew my name. In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials.” Poor little martyr! Giving up her golden statue for some less fortunate actress whose scripts are better but who doesn’t have the beautiful bone structure of Heigl-hon. Please. Could she just not bear not winning this year? Or maybe she didn’t want them mispronouncing her name again. You’re not yet the next Julia Roberts, sweetie, don’t start acting the part. And what’s with this broad sending out potentially uncomplimentary statements about projects that have paid her quite well, à la, Knocked Up? Watch out for that evil Sharon Stone karma, babe, or you just might find yourself inside a crevice of the next Hell-Ay earthquake.

Hulk Hogan, Nick Bollea

Doug Murray/WireImage.com

The Insensitive Hulk: Hulk Hogan went on Larry King last week, saying that it’s “God’s will” that John Graziano is in a coma after the truly terrible car wreck that happened with Nick Hogan behind the wheel. Not only that, but that “things happen for a reason...this is to make Nick a better person...to make John a better person.” Ya know what would make John a whole lot better? Not being in a coma. Or at the least not having an underage speed demon as a friend. H2 barely beats out Kathy Heigl for this week’s Shut the Ef Up Award.

Tom Cruise, Magnolia

New Line Cinema

War of the Words: Tom Cruise really should get a grip. I understand when he sends his tempestuous team (including some ill-mannered, overpaid prima donnas I have personal experience with, I’m so sorry to say) after freaks like sex-tale-spinning porn stars Andrew Morton and, well, me. But Dr. Drew? That doc’s one of the nicest talking heads in the biz, and when he discussed your childhood, Tom—the one about which it’s fairly well-known that you were lacking a father you so wanted to adore—he exercised his licensed and constitutional opinion to consider that patriarchal hole just might have something to do with your zealous attachment to Scientology. Why are you so effing sensitive, Tommy? I adore you. You’re a hugely underrated and talented performer. But why is all this reminding me of the time your publicist (one of the nicer members of your entourage, actually, quite unlike your goon attorneys) threatened future legal discourse when I said some folks on the set of the Magnolia claimed you might, perhaps, have stuffed your undershorts for a scene? Chill, already!

James Haven, Christopher Ciccone

Lester Cohen/WireImage.com, Jean Baptiste Lacroix/WireImage.com

Sibling Siphoning: To James Haven and Christopher Ciccone, bros to Angelina Jolie and Madonna, respectively: Get lives where you don't live off the ones created by your far more industrious siblings. You all are starting to remind me of Sharon Stone’s sister, Kelly, who has her diva-down card goin’ on at parties and events far more than her sister could ever hope to achieve. And that, my babes, is saying far more than one should have to stomach this early in the week.

Now, darlings, don't know if we have another nude-bongo sitch on our hands, or what, but a chick from Nicaragua contacted us. She claims to have helped a rather out of it Matthew McConaughey out of pile of poop he had literally fallen into—and then the movie star borrowed the gals shoes, for thanks—so she insists. I said don't look to me, g-f, for any apologies, but I did contact M2's reps, who refused to comment. Really wouldn't even have bothered, except the dude is known for loving jungle experiences in Central and South America. He's "making a baby" with a gal from Brazil, and he wasn't exactly stone-cold sober the night he got noticed by the coppers in Austin, when he was unclothed, jamming with another guy. So who the hell knows? Matty, true? Got some really foul-smelling outfits leftover from your latest vacation? Do tell!

Jessica Alba

Jamie McCarthy/WireImage.com

The blue carpet was rolled out last week for Mike Myers' new flick, The Love Guru. An obvs no-show to the soiree was Jessica Alba, to whom everyone sent well wishes. Alba-babe’s costar Meagan Good said that although she hasn’t talked to the new mama, she heard the new tot is “perfect, beautiful and healthy.” Which, stunningly, would also pretty much describe the mood of huge-schlong superstar Justin Timberlake. Too fab! More on him latuh.

Verne Troyer

Ash Knotek/Snappers/ZUMAPress.com

The not exactly humongous Verne Troyer cruised up on his scooter, raving about how great it was to be back with M2 again. “It’s like working with your brother—we just mesh,” former Mini-Me enthused. He recently wrapped The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, the movie Heath Ledger was in the middle of filming before he passed away all too soon. “I just feel fortunate I got the opportunity to work with him, and I consider him a friend,” V said quite somberly. The movie’s bosses vowed not to alter Heath’s final work, and as a tribute to the late actor, some of H'wood’s biggest players signed on to the film. “It was so nice of Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell, as true friends which they are to Heath, to come in just out of respect...They helped us finish the movie so that we could see his talent.”

Justin Timberlake

Jose Perez/INFphoto.com

Despite making a fab appearance on our Pissed List last week, J.T. seemed to overcompensate for his somewhat douchy ways (asking for some rather Tom Cruise-esque reporter agreements, and the such) and was quite friendly to moi. So what was the former Britster beau’s fave part of the film? “Just hanging out with Mike. Watching him work was such a trippy experience, so I really had a blast doing it!” How did the natural-born singer pull off his terrifically loaded scenes with a straight face? “It was tough. Let’s say I probably wasted the most film out of anyone,” chuckled Timbo. These fluffy feelings J-Babe has for Mike seemed to be mutual. Hmmm, what kind of love is this movie about?

Mike Myers

O'Neill/White/INFphoto.com

Mike himself gushed a little more about his newfound friend, saying how they had so many buckets of blast, they would dance between takes. “There’s three people that I feel I’m related to: Dana Carvey, Ellen and Justin. Whenever I see any of them I just start moving. We don’t even have to talk. Justin Timberlake is unbelievable. He is perhaps the most talented individual I’ve ever met in my life.”

Thought that used to be Rob Lowe, Mikey? Where’s the loyal love? Robby in too much of a mess these days?

Kate Hudson

AP Photo/Peter Kramer

Soiree happy, too, I should have told you back a few weeks ago was Kate Hudson, who was on the Dolce & Gabbana yacht during Cannes for Naomi Campbell’s B-day bash. Bu, due to the festival, coppers and security folks were being veddy insistent about making sure numbers of guests weren't overly crowded, particularly for the floating dos. So once the cocktail hour was done for Naomi-doll’s celebration, guards very forcefully made sure anyone who wasn’t seated was escorted off the boat.

Rose McGowan

Jeff Vespa/WireImage.com

Funny, Kate, didn’t seem to have a seat, how hideous! So, while Juliette Lewis and Rose McGowan table-gushed amiably, Kate did what any A-list actress worth her dossier would do...She ducked into the loo until the security goons were gone—so insist titled and rich-ass folks who were present.

No wonder Kate-babe comes from Academy-Award winning lineage.

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