A bit more American Idol-atry, dears (sorry, but you know you love it), then off to the real Simons of the world: you friggin' A.T. malcontents. That's right, it's reader backlash time. Aren't you pleased? Sure ya are!

David Cook, American Idol Season 7

FOX

Welcome to your first American Idol-free Tuesday night in a long time, folks. Call a friend, go to the gym, read a book...ya know, all the things you’ve been neglecting so far in '08. Tho the show might be over, the coverage continues, just like the David Cook-featuring commercials you’ll be seeing for the next month or so. Gotta tell ya, on the red carpet, both Davids were pulled every which way by their Fox-appointed publicists and keepers. Cooksie seemed flustered to be escorted at top speed, but Archie-boy smiled nonstop, looking like he’s riding a rollercoaster. Well, maybe the merry-go-round, since most rollercoasters have a height requirement. Maybe he’s just happy to have someone else guiding him besides dear ol' dad?

American Idol , Paris Bennett

FOX

We spoke to Paris Bennett from season five, who was as young as li'l Davey when she was on the show. “If I'd never auditioned for Idol, I’d probably be at school, doing my ob-gyn thing...I still do college courses for it.” Smart girl. Think Davey A. can do anything besides sing ballads?

Jerry Springer

Axel/ZUMAPress.com

Jerry Springer was just one of myriad TV personalities who showed, and he gave his pre-Cook winning take on the talent comp, which he swore would swing for Archuleta. “It’s a show where people vote. So by definition, edge is always gonna lose out. Because if edge were the middle, it wouldn’t be the edge. So you can never win with edge.” Uh, not this time, it seems. We’re shocked (and overjoyed) that America picked the “edgier” contestant, tho really, the edgiest thing about D.C. is his straight-ironed bangs. Guy’s like Diet Daughtry.

Jordin Sparks

Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com

Last year’s reining champ, Jordin Sparks, caught up with us in the pressroom, changing from her wedding-cake-inspired, tiered gown on the carpet to a shiny gold number, brighter than J.S.’s eyes when the winner was announced. “I was totally just reliving the moment when I won!”

We were, too, babes. More Idol tomorrow. Last of it, promise! Meanwhile, get ready for a crankathon collection meaner than Jeff Archuleta after he found out his boy got second. That’s right, mail time.

Mischa Barton

Jeffrey Mayer/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Wow, your site is the only place I read something remotely kind regarding Mischa Barton's cellulite. Three cheers to you!
  CactusFlower
  Los Angeles

Dear One Size Fits All:
Grippin’ on a skinny gal’s imperfections, like M.B.’s thighs, just seems to make about as much sense as attacking Hillary’s hideous outfits. What’s the point, ultimately? Does more harm than good.

Scott Baio

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I think Dangling Wrangler is Scott Baio. Rene has a daughter about the right age.
  Tracy
  Halifax, Nova Scotia

Dear Lost Lasso:
Nope, think far more A-list, not to mention good-looking.

Lindsay Lohan, Calum Best

Brian Ach/wireImage.com

Dear Ted:
For your next Dirty Quandary list: Would you rather room at rehab with Lindsay Lohan or Nicole Richie (substitute whomever here)? Would be kinda amusing? I think it’s a safe bet Linds will try for stint numero four soon, since dragging ass after SamRon isn’t a great way to collect movie roles, but a great way to ef up your sobriety!
  G.G.R.

Dear Wanna Go to Rehab:
Fine, how does picking between 12-step stomping with Steven Tyler and Barron Hilton strike you?

Will Smith, Tom Cruise

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
I'm not a big fan of Tom Cruise, and I've always been suspicious of all the "rescues" he's involved in. I think his Scientology people stage these so that he gets good press. Now, the National Enquirer reported that Will Smith rescued a puppy for some kids he was passing. With all the speculation that Will Smith is the newest celeb Scientolo-weirdo, my suspicion of these staged rescues is even stronger. What do you think?
  Tracy
  Ann Arbor, Mich.

Dear Puttin’ It Together:
What I want to know instead is why Jada Pinkett Smith dresses like a  New York cabbie who hit the lottery.

Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhaal

Paul Fenton/ZUMAPress.com, Digitalprofile/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
You said Reese and Jake were only a publicity stunt and, frankly, it looks like more than that. Lately you are always wrong! Maybe its time you change spies...
  Natsie
  Boston

Dear Dumb-Butt:
I imagine you were convinced to become a Tom Cruise fan again, after his latest Oprah appearance.

Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt

Dominique Charriau/WI/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Hey, Brad and Ang said that when everyone else in the country was allowed to be legally married, they would marry as well. Well? Whassup? Actually, they seem to be just fine as is, but I'm curious.
  Barbwire7
  Woodland Hills, Calif.

Dear 48 to Go:
Well, darling, aren’t you hopeful? But, uh, the Union isn't entirely thinking like California and Massachusetts, at this point.

Tom Cruise, KAtie Holmes, Black Eyed Peas, Fergie

Mischa Sundukovskiy

Dear Ted:
This entire "relationship" between Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo had a rather processed taste all along. I wish Jess would resort to expanding her shoes, clothing and accessories lines and get out of the Biz (away from her nauseating dad) for good. She seems like not a bad sort.|
  Jeanmarie
  Tulsa, Okla.

Dear Tough Love:
And she isn't. Just think she got blindsided half way through the fairy tale, no thanks to those who advised her it would never end.

Tila Tequila

Jordan Strauss/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Is Fanny Fecal-Farmer from One Smelly, Sapphic Blind Vice possibly Tila Tequila? Gross.
  Beth
  Los Angeles

Dear Detective Dingleberry:
Absolutely not, darling, think older, even tougher.

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Paul Fenton/ZUMAPRess.com

Dear Ted:
Is Vadge Fly-Trap from One Girlie, Gonzo Blind Vice Jennifer Love Hewitt? Congratulations on the nuptials.
  Marie
  Paris

Dear French Kiss:
Thanks, babe, but Vadge is far older, wiser...though just about as full-bosomed as JLH.

Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz

Brian Ach/WirEImage.com

Dear Ted:
Has it been determined if Ashlee and Pete are, in fact, preggers? On second thought, who cares?
  Lala
  Richmond, Va.

Dear Liar:
You do! As do I, doll-hon, so, no worries. My answer is most certainly affirmative.

Sarah Jessica Parker

Mike Marsland/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Regarding the weird hats on Paris and Sarah Jessica Parker, they must have both used Camilla Parker Bowle's milliner. Cam appeared at a royal wedding recently and there she was, taking flight. What's with the feathers?
  Patricia
  Laguna Beach, Calif.

Dear British Invasion:
It’s clearly an English thing. Boy Brits can’t trust anybody with their bottoms (have you talked to any guy who made it through college without getting porked?), and the girls can count on no one to look out for their tops.

Dear Ted:
I was ecstatic when Iowa lifted the ban on gay marriage, which lasted all of 24 hours. One can only hope that everyone gets the chance to get married and divorced. Not just us heteros...
  Nikki
  Des Moines, Iowa

Dear Equal Opportunity Misery:
Thanks, babe! I concur! We should all be so horrifically gifted with union luck...like Britney.

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